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Promises, Promises. Nothing like tricking a five year old

Posted by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 7:38 AM
  • 13 Replies

It's no secret that in many situations, the two households are not the same in terms of discipline. BM home has always been a free for all and DH and I have always pushed reasonable limitations, routine and structure, esp since SS has ADHD and needs it more than ever. SS is comign to live with us for a year because BM is unable to handle his behavioral outbursts and violent tendencies when he doesn't get his way...in large part because these behaviors are rewarded with new material gains because he wants them. I'm not trying to dispute her parental habits, that would take forever and at this point, I've tried to help as much as I can and figure us taking him is the best thing for everyone involved right now.

So the funny part? Ever since we signed the agreement last month to have SS come live with us, effective August 2nd, he has been refusing to come with us during our visitation times. He escalates his tantrums, to the point where during the last one he clawed BM from chin to chest until it bled. He is only acting thisway when she is present. On the days that she is not home when we pickup, he rushes otu the door with us and comes, no issues,but if she is there it's a fit and a half. If he does come with us, after the fit, there are no issues. He is perfectly fine, has fun,etc.  Now I accredited it to the transitions, the fact he loves his BM etc and all of those reasons would've been fine (not the tantrums but the understanding of his feelings)....and then after one of the less aggressive tantrums when he actually got into the car with DH, he tells DH that "BM promises me something everytime I don't go with you, so thats why I don't go." Now I totally understand that some kids lie about this sort of thing but SS doesn't. He will pretty much blurt out just about anything that occurs to anyone and it's normally pretty point blank what is occuring.

I just think it's bs. It's one thing for you to not discipline on your own time and let him walk all over you. It's another to brain wash and manipulate a five year old out of time with his father, who has always been apart of his life, right before he is comign to live with us. I;m not trying to guess her motives for doing this because several A backwards things are possible. I just wish she would stop and realize she is only hurting ss. He may love all the great material things she provides but he still needs his father in his life.\

by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 7:38 AM
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Replies (1-10):
FloridaMomma
by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 7:52 AM
1 mom liked this
Hang in there. It's only until Aug. 2nd & then BF can undo a lot of the less desirable behaviors.
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EmbraceTheChaos
by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 8:43 AM

I am trying to keep that in mind, its just frustrating. I can see how much it hurts DH even though he understands it and I just think its an Ah move on her part. I know we can't change it but I keep hoping one of these days she can put her own wants ans need second and her sons first.





Quoting FloridaMomma:

Hang in there. It's only until Aug. 2nd & then BF can undo a lot of the less desirable behaviors.

pokey-pwa
by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 11:36 AM

BM used to bribe my skids to come home from our house after a visit.  I still havent figured out WHY.  I mean, legally DH has to return them to her... 

BM would buy them a toy right before she dropped them off and then not let them have it til they got back.  She would get on the phone and you could hear her telling them that she wanted them home SO BAD and that if they were home they could be playing with their new toy that she bought them. 

Sad really that some aprents resort to that.  I will never understand a parent that gets any sort of satisfaction out of making their child sad, upset, depressed...anything like that.

progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 11:57 AM

BM used to buy toys for SS right after she picked him up. She’d pick him up, and he’d have a new toy. Every week, he wanted to show us this cool new toy he’d just gotten. We never really thought anything of it. I don’t think BM ever said that she was buying a toy because SS was finally home; it was just an unspoken thing that happened every time he left our house.

 

About two months ago, we picked SS up and he asked us if we had a toy for him. We hardly ever buy toys, so we didn’t even know why he asked. DH told him no, and SS started wailing that we don’t love him. “Mommy loves and misses him so much, and she buys him a toy every week. And we don’t buy him toys and we don’t miss him.” DH nipped that quickly.

 

About three weeks ago, SS started continuiously alluding to BM having financial troubles. It seems that the toys were the first things that were cut. SS has already mentioned that he hasn’t had a new toy in a while (he just had his birthday and made off like a bandit). When BM picked up last night, we heard SS ask her – “Do you have anything new for me this time?” BM seemed really irritated about it.

 

In our opinion, she brought it on herself. If she wants to buy toys for SS every single day, that’s awesome – but when she suddenly can’t afford to buy toys every week the backlash is on her. If she wants SS to think toys equal love that’s her prerogative, but she’s going to have to deal with the backlash when suddenly her love doesn’t include a fun new toy.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 12:03 PM

 well that makes a lot of sense. send him to live w you but sabotage the visit.

EmbraceTheChaos
by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 12:27 PM

 That's my issue. She willingly signedthe agreement happily and the Monday after we signed it, all H broke loose. We have only got him 5 out of the 12 times this month that the CO says we were supposed to... She has done it before where five minutes before we came to pick up, she bought SS a new inflatable pool. Well we showed up and obvi he wanted to go play in that and threw a fit and she said "well if he doesn't want to go with you, im not making him." You legit just set it up that way but then will go on and on about how he doesn't want to be with his father. Idk if she's trying to do the same now or if sadly it's all about the money. Once we have the switch, BM and DH will each have one child at their house and one with vistitation. In our state, that means the CS gets modified so typically neither parent pays because you would pay to the other parent for the other child and they vice versa, so it balances out and normally gets eliminated. I don't know if this is her attempt to prove "he doesn't want to come with us" and try to get him to live there just for the money...I'd like to give her more of the benefit of the doubt than to resort to this way of thinking but history probably wants to kick me in the face for being naive on that front...Whatever the reason, allowing your five year old to decide whether or not he's going for visitations isn't right, IMO, anyways. You set up the CO time based on what you thougth was in your child's best interest and seeing how his opinions are environmentally and emotionally derived, your thoughts of best interests should stand strong and you shouldn't allow the tantrums to dictate what happens...


Quoting faerie75:

 well that makes a lot of sense. send him to live w you but sabotage the visit.


 

EmbraceTheChaos
by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 12:28 PM

 

I completely understand and more than realzie that eventually the toyland aspect of their relationship will run dry, when her finances do...My issue is more the "if you don't go see your father, ill get you a,b,c."...how confusing for a five year old to try to make that decision and have to chose for something like that. ya know?

There's no winner here.

Quoting progressandjoy:

 

BM used to buy toys for SS right after she picked him up. She’d pick him up, and he’d have a new toy. Every week, he wanted to show us this cool new toy he’d just gotten. We never really thought anything of it. I don’t think BM ever said that she was buying a toy because SS was finally home; it was just an unspoken thing that happened every time he left our house.

 

About two months ago, we picked SS up and he asked us if we had a toy for him. We hardly ever buy toys, so we didn’t even know why he asked. DH told him no, and SS started wailing that we don’t love him. “Mommy loves and misses him so much, and she buys him a toy every week. And we don’t buy him toys and we don’t miss him.” DH nipped that quickly.

 

About three weeks ago, SS started continuiously alluding to BM having financial troubles. It seems that the toys were the first things that were cut. SS has already mentioned that he hasn’t had a new toy in a while (he just had his birthday and made off like a bandit). When BM picked up last night, we heard SS ask her – “Do you have anything new for me this time?” BM seemed really irritated about it.

 

In our opinion, she brought it on herself. If she wants to buy toys for SS every single day, that’s awesome – but when she suddenly can’t afford to buy toys every week the backlash is on her. If she wants SS to think toys equal love that’s her prerogative, but she’s going to have to deal with the backlash when suddenly her love doesn’t include a fun new toy.


 

EmbraceTheChaos
by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 12:31 PM

 Exactly...It's just not fair to the kids, at all.


Quoting pokey-pwa:

BM used to bribe my skids to come home from our house after a visit.  I still havent figured out WHY.  I mean, legally DH has to return them to her... 

BM would buy them a toy right before she dropped them off and then not let them have it til they got back.  She would get on the phone and you could hear her telling them that she wanted them home SO BAD and that if they were home they could be playing with their new toy that she bought them. 

Sad really that some aprents resort to that.  I will never understand a parent that gets any sort of satisfaction out of making their child sad, upset, depressed...anything like that.


 

newstepmom61811
by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 7:04 PM
2 moms liked this
The answer, you take the choice away...pick the kid up...put him in the car...and take the visit...it will die down and the kid will realize the visits wi happen and at least one adult is calm and in control...
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 7:09 PM

What will the schedule be starting August 2?  Will he see BM at all?

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