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NEED ADVICE - SD One of those BM's!

Posted by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 11:06 AM
  • 25 Replies

SD is 20 - lives with BM after being kicked out of our house.  She just had her first baby almost 2 months ago.

One night stand.  Baby is a joy, beautiful.  SD is living life like she's footloose and fancy free.  Disrespecting her Mom's house rules.  Going out every night til 4 am.  Expects her Mom to take care of her baby.  Gets mad when Mom doesn't want to.  Mom is trying to get her to become responsible.  DH and I have watched the baby the last 2 weekends.  SD has come home in the early morning hours.  Sun i stepped back as I wanted to watch the interaction between SD and her baby.As i knew what would happen all along- baby propped up on pillow while having her bottle, me reminding SD she needed to change her, bath her, no bonding,no soft whispers of love, she is treated like a prop.  Oh look at me look at what a wonderful single Mom I am.  BM and I are at loss as to

what to do.  If we don't help out by babysitting she will take this baby with her while she parties.  If we do babysit

we are enabling her.  There's much more to the story - too much to go into but this is the main problem.

any ideas, suggestions would be so greatly appreciated.  BM and I get along very well.

by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 11:06 AM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 11:09 AM

Where is the father?

I think maybe she was just too young to have a baby (not chronologically too young - i realize plenty of 20yo's are good mothers, I mean emotionally or mentally too young).

mom7834
by Bronze Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 11:18 AM

Father was a one night stand, he's not really in the picture. And she's certainly not mature enough for Motherhood.  We just don't know the right way to ger her to realize she has responsibilities.  That her

daughter isn't a doll to show off and then put away.  How do we stop helping her without putting her baby at risk?

MegMon1
by Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 11:20 AM

I know enabling her is not really a good thing but with you and BM taking care of the baby it sounds like a better thing than if you were to force her to take care of the baby and what kind of conditions that baby would endure. Could one of you could try and get custody of baby and share the responsibilities? It could be what is best for the baby.

Your SD was clearly not ready for a baby. I had my first at 21, 6 days after I turned 21, I have honestly only been to a bar once to go drinking after my kids have been born. 

You can't force someone to be responsible, you can try, but I think that would just end badly for everyone especially the baby.

mom7834
by Bronze Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 11:33 AM

I  had my first baby at 21.  BM had SS at 16, both of us young mom's.  we didnt go out partying.

BM and I are alot alike so we're pretty much on the same page.  I don't think right now either of us could get custody as SD hasn't done anything to lose custody yet.......BM is taking care of the baby - but it is expected of her by SD and SD is being totally disrespectful to her Mom.  Mom is at the point now she's on medication for depression.  Her and her husband are recovering addicts/alcoholics.......SD has been bringing in alchol into the house.  SF is at the point now of kicking her out of the house.  She cannot come back to us as

I cannot live with her.  It's a mess.

pokey-pwa
by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 12:46 PM

Have you tried charging her for babysitting?  Does she have a job?

Bertieb
by Bronze Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 1:06 PM

Ok, so who is supporting her? Does she have a job? Is she taking classes? Where does she get money to go out, have a cell phone, etc. Somebody is enabling her to live footless and fancy free. I think her mother needs to see a counselor or social worker about how to raise both girls and how to set boundaries in her home. Would she care if her mother or you did get custody? That might motivate her to start trying harder if she does care.

laughnchica
by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 1:06 PM

I like this idea. Either yourself or BM let her know that if she wants you guys to watch her baby, you will charge "this" much for this amount of time. And try to stay firm. That might help her open her eyes a little bit more to reality.

It is a tough situation since if you don't help her, it could put the baby at risk, but if you do...the baby doesn't have a mother. I do think charging her might help a little but you can't MAKE her respnosible. It comes with maturing and age. I wouldn't stop trying but don't expect lots of results. 

Quoting pokey-pwa:

Have you tried charging her for babysitting?  Does she have a job?


mom7834
by Bronze Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 1:32 PM

SD is 20 she works as a hostess.  BM does not charge her rent, I told her she needed to start.

She is on foodstamps and medicaid.  SD is of the mindset that because we are her parents we NEED to do these things for her.  She has always been like this.  None of my other stepkids have this sense of entitlement that she has.  and believe me neither BM or DH has been Disney parents.

teaspring
by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 1:42 PM

I've seen that term before, Disney parent... Would someone post what that means, please?

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 1:46 PM
2 moms liked this

"Need" is a funny word.

The baby needs her mother.  She needs to be held.  She needs to be fed.  She needs to have her diaper changed.  She needs to be kept clean.  She can do none of those things herself, so it's necessary for her parent to be present and attentive.  The baby's needs are non-negotiable needs.  If they're not met, she won't thrive.

In contrast, SD does NOT need to go to a bar, bring alcohol into the house, stay out till 4 in the morning, or have grandparents babysit while she parties like a rock star.  Those are her wants while she neglects her own daughter's needs.

Is the baby not worthy of support and consideration the way SD is demanding it for herself?  All this demand for parental understanding and support when she can't be bothered to provide the basic needs of her own daughter...


Quoting mom7834:

SD is 20 she works as a hostess.  BM does not charge her rent, I told her she needed to start.

She is on foodstamps and medicaid.  SD is of the mindset that because we are her parents we NEED to do these things for her.  She has always been like this.  None of my other stepkids have this sense of entitlement that she has.  and believe me neither BM or DH has been Disney parents.


 

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