The back story in case you need it: http://www.cafemom.com/group/114270/forums/read/18786174/Poor_SD_had_a_visit_from_HELL_with_BM_Update_1_2_3_and_4
Also, there is a part of the current parenting plan that says once BM graduates her schooling she'll be moving to our area and she and DH will file a new parenting plan that will give 50/50 residential time. BM was supposed to be getting her bachelors degree and graduating in Spetember 2014 and moving to our area at that time. However, BM did NOT enroll in the program she claimed she HAD to enroll in (she also claimed she was given a full ride scholarship for this program). She enrolled in a 12 month long massage therapy certificate program.
The attorney said that th addition of the time frame to change custody in the current parenting plan pretty much means nothing. BM would still be required to petition the courts for the modification and she'd have to prove a significant change in circumstances. On top of that, there's 3 good things going for DH at this point 1. BM has already moved to our area and has not petitioned to modify the parenting plan (she's been here since August 2012, and since moving here has taken less and less visitation) 2. BM has already graduated (at this point she's been out of school for 2 months) and has not petitioned to modify the parenting plan. 3. BM isn't taking regular visitation and has no stable living situation (SD's counselor even said that she was under the impression that BM is couch surfing).
Over all things went OK with the attorney. He said that since BM has been non-existent in medical and educational decisions (and when she HAS tried to be, she's spouted nonsense), that DH pretty much already has sole decision making rights. DH is to just keep updatting DH via email about new appointments and information regarding therapy as it arises. And to keep documenting when BM doesn't show up for appointments (especially the ones she's previously said she will attend). That if BM gets mad and tries to file contempt of court that it'll backfire on her as DH has a year of proof that BM was completely uninterested and uninvolved.
The attorney also said that since BM doesn't take a lot of visitation and has worked with us on cancelling visitation (once), and has often given us back visitation or given visitation to her mom (SD's grandma) that DH can just keep doing what he's doing. Communicate when there are issues with visits and continue to ask BM to shorten visits. The attorney also said that if SD calls or texts us worried and scared DH has the legal right to call the police and have them meet him at BM's house (or where ever else she is) and pick up SD. That if SD says to the police she wants to go and is scared/worried about staying with BM then they'll most likely allow SD to come home with DH, especially since he has custody.
The attorney wants DH to wait to change the parenting plan in the courts. While DH has been living as if he has sole custody for the last year, the attorney wants us to be able to show a bigger pattern of everything. He said that it's his legal advice that since DH already has custody, that we continue to let BM dig her hole bigger and bigger so that when DH DOES file, he can without a doubt get what he wants. He said at this point it would all depend on the judge, and it's not worth the risk.
He also said that DH should REALLY push mediation and that NO WAY would a mediator agree to allow a child there, especially a 13 year old child with special needs. The lawyer said that there's a really good chance that BM would agree to some of what DH would be asking for in mediation since she's already pretty much giving DH whatever he wants when he asks and are backed up by SD's counselor.
SD's counselor is going to discuss with BM about NOT involving SD in things, how it's NOT in SD's best interest. And it's wrong to put that responsibility onto the shoulders of a child.
So, at this point DH has to set up the mediation through the program he's spoken to and from there try and get BM to agree to at least discuss it. If she continues to refuse and unless SD is present, then we save that and use it against her in court as that is NOT best for SD.
Also, BM keeps emailing DH about how SD is a manipulative liar and nothing SD has said to us is the truth. BM said she's going to be discussing it all with SD's counselor. SD does lie, however, not ONCE has she EVER come up with something so elaborate. She doesn't have the cognitive ability to make sure an accurate lie, to stick to all the details, and to them manipuate her emotions to follow that lie. When SD does lie it's about stupid stuff, whether or not she did her therapy exercises or homework and simple stuff like that.
Hopefully, BM will continue to work with DH on things.