Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Insecurity, SMs' and BMs'

Posted by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:16 PM
  • 50 Replies

We see insecurity being thrown out as the reason for any issue SMs has with BM or her actions, why? What does SMs have to be insecure?

What about BM, is it the same when she has an issue with SM? Are BMs insecure as well?

Have you experienced SM or BM insecurity in your situation? How so?

Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:16 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
by Platinum Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:22 PM

Literally not once. But that is in my make-up of who I am and have always been. When I am done with someone....I make damn straight I am done.

If you are trying to play mommy to my kid, its not insecurity you are seeing, its anger that you are putting yourself in a mix that is not yours to be in.

I made sure that my DH was also DONE with his ex. Had I seen the amount of bickering and fighting I see in this forum, I would definitely question that maybe he had unresolved issues. Thankfully, my DH is alot like me. When he's dont fucking exist.

by Skeletor on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:33 PM

Not that I am aware of, then again, I also do not allow people who do not matter and have very little (to almost no) impact on my daily life effect me or my happiness.  I am me, I am happy.  You can like me, love, or hate - but someone else's opinion of me, especially a person who holds no merit - is not going to matter to me and therefore, they are incapable of evoking insecurity.

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:38 PM
The fact that DH and BM had a child together and she was his first love and all of that definitely made me feel insecure in the beginning. Could be because I had been hurt in previous relationships, could be because I didn't fully trust DH yet, or it could just have been that we were so young. It was probably a combination of all of those things.

Because of my insecurities, I inserted myself and my opinion in places that were none of my business and it definitely put a strain on both my relationship with BM and DH's. BM had a few insecurities of her own, but we were finally able to get to a point that we could discuss things civilly. We talked things out. I realized what I did and didn't need to worry about and I think she did as well and we are in a much better place now.

I think insecurities in step situations are totally normal, but if there is ever going to be any hope of decent relationships, the insecurities need to be worked through.
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:41 PM
1 mom liked this

As a BM - I have not experienced any insecurity, but that is due to my particular situation (I had custody, and was never in any danger of losing custody. Ex rarely took visitation, and his wife was not interested in any kind of relationship with my kids).

As a SM - yes, I did experience some insecurity. Would his kids like me? would they accept me? would the rest of the world accept me as a parent to my stepkids? all that stuff. all the newbie stuff. It went away when it was clear that the kids did accept me and the rest of the world did too.

I dont know if my stepkids' BM had any insecurtiy. I suspect she did, but that was because she was noncustodial.

I don't think my kids' SM had any insecurity but that is just a guess, I really don't know her at all.

by Gold Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:55 PM
Not insecurity necessarily. Just have some moments where I'm not sure where my place is. A lot of people around me expect me to be SD's other mom and I don't agree with that. So sometimes I just feel a little misunderstood in the real world.
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:58 PM

Let's see.  As a BM I'm pretty secure with my kids SM & she seems to be with me.

As a SM, different story.  When DH & I started dating (years after their divorce) BM left a message, "Tell my husband that his wife would like to talk to her husband about our children" LOL, my first peep into crazy insecure land & what a bumpy ride it would be.  

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 9:08 PM
2 moms liked this
I'm proud to admit...I'm human and have had insecurities at some point in every facet of my comes with being human...In marriage I have not been perfect, have lost my temper, miscommunicated, been miscommunicated with, absolutely have had moments of insecurity. The same has happened with the kids as a SM. I am not a mind reader. I have said and done the wrong things. I have had to apologize to the kids, been a little unsure of exactly what to say or do in tough moments. Absolutely have moments of insecurity. I have had moments at work too. With my parents as their daughter. As a daughter in law dealing with a difficult MIL. Definitely with BM. She has been hostile and not made any effort to allow us to know each other do I don't know what to expect or quite how to read her or deal with her so I've settled on not dealing with her at all. Overall I am an ambitious, confident person, I would never have gotten to where I am in life or have the relationships I do if I weren't, but, I do have moments of insecurity, I am human, not perfect, and I am concerned about the results, outcomes, and impacts of my actions, so yes I have moments of insecurity questioning if what did was right. I think women who claim absolutely no insecurity ever are first, lying and second, arrogant.
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 9:18 PM

I think we all are insecure over something. I can be insecure in my parenting, in my decision making.  But I'm not insecure when it comes to SM.  I might get upset, angry that she did something, but I wasn't insecure. 

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 9:36 PM
1 mom liked this

I've never been insecure about BM.  They split up for a reason.  Or she broke up with him, but it's complicated and the whole story never made me worry.

I'm not sure she's insecure about me either.

However, I've seen it happen.  My own mother asked my step mom "Why are you being so nice to my girls?" My step mom had to reply with "Do you want me to be MEAN to them?" 

I don't understand why women get so fussy with each other.  Stuff happens, people break up, other families form. I still love my mom and my step mom both!  I'm not sure where the insecurity comes from, because you can't take a child away from their parent.

by Silver Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 9:59 PM

No, not really. I was DH's friend for years before I dated him, and saw how he and BM got along. Well, didn't get along, actually. The only issues I have ever had with BM were actual issues, like when she put her hands on my toddler son, or the time she tried to spit on me.

Ex doesn't have a GF or wife, so I have no issues there.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)