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Where does BM's mother's opinion stand?

Posted by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 11:53 PM
  • 35 Replies

Last week, we took family portraits, one with DH's parents and hung them up in the living room.  Today, BM's mom sent an email to DH (cc me), stating that when she is in town with her husband  (BM's SF), she wanted us all to take another portraits and she said "my grand daughters miss me. I want to leave something in your house for them to remember me by". She offered to pay for the portrait.

What is your answer? What should be the answer?  Just for the record, my husband said no.  I agreed. We haven't found the word to say no to BM's mom yet.

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 11:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 12:01 AM

If BM's mom contacted DH and asked about that... The answer would most definitely be no. I think DH woud be so shocked that he woud probably laugh if BM's mom asked him that.

My answer woud be absolutely not. I refuse to have anything to do with BM's mom. But, that opinion is based on 11 years of drama and her encouraging BM to withhold SD from DH, and BM's mom lying in court to protect her daughter (BM) from getting charged with neglect of SD (and all the while, SD suffered).

If BM's mom wanted to get pictures done with SD that would be fine. BM's mom and our family? Absolutely not. 

FindersKeepers
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 12:09 AM
2 moms liked this

I guess it depends on the situation...

Where is BM in the picture?   Really her mom should be arranging family photo ops with their own daughter.  It is odd for BM's mom to go to DH for such a request unless BM is not in the picture.  

If BM is in the picture, then DH should tell her mom to talk to her about it. (and any pictures should be kept at BMs house)

If BM is NOT in the picture or not alive, then yes you should make fair arrangements for the kids to visit and take pictures with their maternal grandparents.   I don't think it would be the end of the world to have a picture of them up somewhere, but if it makes you uncomfortable you could put the pics in the kids rooms.

spicy0425
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 2:24 AM

SDs have BM's family pictures in their rooms. The portraits were taken when my in-laws came over and helped with the baby, my SDs, our kids, my in-laws and us.  My husband is not very comfortable dealing with BM's mom since he is somewhat traditional in respecting elders. However, he is not fond of BM's mom meddling with his family. Me, I try to avoid having any tension/interaction with BM's mom at all costs.

Quoting FindersKeepers:

I guess it depends on the situation...

Where is BM in the picture?   Really her mom should be arranging family photo ops with their own daughter.  It is odd for BM's mom to go to DH for such a request unless BM is not in the picture.  

If BM is in the picture, then DH should tell her mom to talk to her about it. (and any pictures should be kept at BMs house)

If BM is NOT in the picture or not alive, then yes you should make fair arrangements for the kids to visit and take pictures with their maternal grandparents.   I don't think it would be the end of the world to have a picture of them up somewhere, but if it makes you uncomfortable you could put the pics in the kids rooms.



jules2boys
by Gold Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 3:01 AM

I'm confused.  Is BMs mom asking for a portrait of her, her DH, and the children DH and BM share or is she asking for one of her, her DH, you, DH, and all of the children in your family? 

If it's the former, I don't see the problem.  BMs mom can pay for the portrait to be done/taken, and even give one to the children to 'remember her by'.  It'll then be up to you/DH if the portrait hangs in the kids room or if it's placed somewhere safe that the children can see it on occasion but not 'displayed' anywhere in your home (perhaps ask for a smaller, 5x7 size, that can then be displayed less conspicuously in their room somewhere?). 

If it's the latter, then... no.  Based on the relationship you've described I'd definitely say no. 

This would, however, be situational.  In mine, I'm still very close to xMIL.  If she asked to pay for a portrait of the boys and me, even my mom, my brother, sil, and anyone else from my family she knows and loves, we'd do it, no questions asked. That said, we all get along well and spend much time together.  My mom and xMIL often go to dinner, the movies, or on walks together and have even vacationed together (post divorce).  But, I realize this isn't 'normal' in many situations.  I loved xMIL when she was my MIL and I love her still.  She feels the same way towards me and my family.  (she was part of my brothers wedding, the same as my mom and grandma were too, she sat in the family row and was escorted down the aisle by ODS). 

I'd also let xMIL take pictures of just her and her grandkids if she asked. 

Is BM involved with the children so her mother could ask HER to be in the family picture instead?  Or ask to do it on BMs time with the children?  Why is she asking her former son-in-law to do this?  Given the animosity between them, this seems strange to me. 

ROBIN-C
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 3:31 AM

I would say the kids would love to have pictures taken with you to keep in their rooms.

this lets her know that you are only offering up the kids for pics and not anyone else, but in a nice way.

spicy0425
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 12:06 PM

You're right. BM's mom wanted my DH included in the portrait which means her, her DH, SF, my DH, the SDs, the second one is just her, her DH, BM and the SDs. Her main request is having those portraits hang in the sitting room or living room, alongside with the other photos of my DH and my family's photos.  The SDs have BM's families photos hang in their rooms, including the photos when they were born with BM and my DH in the delivery room. 

Quoting jules2boys:

I'm confused.  Is BMs mom asking for a portrait of her, her DH, and the children DH and BM share or is she asking for one of her, her DH, you, DH, and all of the children in your family? 

If it's the former, I don't see the problem.  BMs mom can pay for the portrait to be done/taken, and even give one to the children to 'remember her by'.  It'll then be up to you/DH if the portrait hangs in the kids room or if it's placed somewhere safe that the children can see it on occasion but not 'displayed' anywhere in your home (perhaps ask for a smaller, 5x7 size, that can then be displayed less conspicuously in their room somewhere?). 

If it's the latter, then... no.  Based on the relationship you've described I'd definitely say no. 

This would, however, be situational.  In mine, I'm still very close to xMIL.  If she asked to pay for a portrait of the boys and me, even my mom, my brother, sil, and anyone else from my family she knows and loves, we'd do it, no questions asked. That said, we all get along well and spend much time together.  My mom and xMIL often go to dinner, the movies, or on walks together and have even vacationed together (post divorce).  But, I realize this isn't 'normal' in many situations.  I loved xMIL when she was my MIL and I love her still.  She feels the same way towards me and my family.  (she was part of my brothers wedding, the same as my mom and grandma were too, she sat in the family row and was escorted down the aisle by ODS). 

I'd also let xMIL take pictures of just her and her grandkids if she asked. 

Is BM involved with the children so her mother could ask HER to be in the family picture instead?  Or ask to do it on BMs time with the children?  Why is she asking her former son-in-law to do this?  Given the animosity between them, this seems strange to me. 



Rachael-Dawn
by Bronze Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 12:12 PM
I think it would be a great idea for them to have a photo done of just THEM and the skids. That would be nice for the kids or of them bm and the kids but I would find them, yall, amd the kids together a little strange unless yall have a really good relationship with them.
spicy0425
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 12:12 PM

Just a quick background, in the past BM's mom tried to persuade BM filed for full custody. When BM left town, BM's mom told my DH not to send the SDs to come and visit BM. I was cordial and friendly with BM's mom when we were dating and at the beginning of our marriage. However, BM's mom kept jumping in and out of the custody arrangments in the 1st year and she made it like I was on board with all of her requests i.e she emailed or texted my DH and said "I spoked to SM and she agreed for me to take my granddaughters on so and so days...." In reality, I never let anyone look after the SDs without both BM and my DH's consent. That was the reason I didn't want to have interaction with her anymore.

phoenixhuntress
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 12:19 PM

I'd say let the grandparents take a picture with just them & the kids.  When the pictures are given to you allow the kids to keep them in their rooms.  There is NO reason to have a picture of your DH xMIL/xSFIL to be in a common room of the house.  The maternal grandparents are connected to these children through their mother not their father.  It's just an odd request really.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 12:23 PM

 i think i would let the kids take the pix w the grand parents. id have no issue w that. i WOULD have an issue if BM's parents wanted to take family pix of the skids, BM and my SO. not sure if thats what she was asking. i dont see why i would be in a pix w BM's parents, so id offer to have the skids take portraits w the grandparents but not me or SO.

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