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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Saying No

Posted by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 9:02 PM
  • 17 Replies

It may just be my personality but I have a very hard time understanding those who can't say no in their stepparenting situation....especially when what they are being asked really bothers them. 

I say yes quite often, but I also use an equal amount of "no's". If something is a huge inconvenience or is a disaster to deal with for bm and my dh, why on earth should I be responsibile for handling it? Better yet, why would I want to? 

I don't mind helping if I can. I can be flexible within reason. I refuse, however, to ever put myself in the position that either bm or my dh depend on me to get the dirty work done for them on a regular basis without my input. That is not what I signed up for. Thankfully, my dh respects me enough not to assume I will agree to anything prior to him asking me.  Being honest, he did learn this the hard way when he and bm made plans regarding changing visitation that included me doing all the transportation. He failed to include me in that discussion. Sorry, this girl don't play that way. If I'm going to be expected to do something I'm going to be included in the decision making process or it's not happening. 

I honestly believe if more would just step back, say no when they need to, and let the bios do their job (aka figure their own shit out) they would not feel like a doormat in their blended family life. 

Your thoughts?


by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 9:02 PM
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Replies (1-10):
elisesmom922
by Silver Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 9:08 PM

I have no issues here either. Both DH and BM learned the hard way, and now will both ask me before assuming I will do anything.

CFSTBSM27
by Silver Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 9:24 PM
I did at first and on occasion. Lately it seems to be coming quite easy tho and I'm less stressed.
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 9:52 PM
2 moms liked this
You need to know who you are, be grounded and centered. Make decisions not reactions. I actively remove BM from an equation to determine what action i wish to take, a fully formed decision, not a reaction to my dislike of BM.

A martini and a glass of wine have made me philosphical.
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soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 10:05 PM
1 mom liked this

I used to be the type of person who would say yes to everything even if I didn't want to. I had serious issues of wanting to be accepted and as a child it was ingrained into my head that saying no made me a bad person. It got so bad that I about had a nervous breakdown trying to please everyone (imagine running a family readiness group for a company of deployed soldiers with 150 families and trying to please them all). Personally I had to get to that point where I had really had enough. My BFF really kinda "slapped" some sense into me and once I realized the weight lifted off me was not the end of the world it was such a relief.


I think SMs often have that same "pressure" if they don't do for the kids they won't be accepted, if they don't do for DH that he will be upset, if they don't try to cover down for mom they don't equalize the bm/sm role. Some people have to get to that point to realize it's not the end of the world and if it does end the "world" i.e stepkids don't like them, piss their dh off, don't step up to that mom role then maybe it wasn't such a great world to begin with.

luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 10:07 PM

Shoot.  I say no all the time.  "lucky, can we get a puppy" NO.  "mom, can i have cake for dinner" NO.  "lucky/mom can we go swimming" (at 10pm) HELL NO.  Just some of the things I said no to today.

MommySabs
by Gold Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 10:32 PM
Absolutely agree! It's the bio parents job to parent they wouldn't commit anyone else without asking first why should a stepparent be an exception to that.
Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jul. 25, 2013 at 10:59 PM
I'm a yes girl. My parents were suckers and I am too. My brother is the same. I have suffered from social anxiety since a young age. It sucks but I just deal with it.


I've been at dr. Appointments and app,ect.. tons of times and waited more then an hour before they asked me if I had an app. I'm that bad!:/// it makes my teeth and tummy hurt when I have to say no.

I am proud that I am teaching my kids to not be like me in this way. I
Feel you are 100% right:)

I like what sooner girl said.
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faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 11:07 PM
Amen.
Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 11:09 PM


Quoting luckystars2012:

Shoot.  I say no all the time.  "lucky, can we get a puppy" NO.  "mom, can i have cake for dinner" NO.  "lucky/mom can we go swimming" (at 10pm) HELL NO.  Just some of the things I said no to today.

they wanna go swimming? tell them sure-but its in the bathroom with soap on a rope lol

cake for dinner? sure-but it better have  a slab of meat and a veggie in there!

puppy? ehh i've got nothing-i'm a sucker for puppies


luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 11:22 PM

The pool pump is broken and the replacement is being shipped, so the water is green and un swimmable lol

We dont even HAVE any cake

And we already have two dogs, one of which will never weigh more than 5 lbs

Theyre GOOOOOOD lol


Quoting Tigress22304:


Quoting luckystars2012:

Shoot.  I say no all the time.  "lucky, can we get a puppy" NO.  "mom, can i have cake for dinner" NO.  "lucky/mom can we go swimming" (at 10pm) HELL NO.  Just some of the things I said no to today.

they wanna go swimming? tell them sure-but its in the bathroom with soap on a rope lol

cake for dinner? sure-but it better have  a slab of meat and a veggie in there!

puppy? ehh i've got nothing-i'm a sucker for puppies



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