Hi, I am new to the site so I guess a little background would be in order before getting to the issue at hand.
(Me and the Kids) I'm not technically a stepmom, but I have been dating my boyfriend, seriously, for over a year. He has two boys 7 and 10 and we have a very solid connection. They consider me an important part of their lives and I love them unconditionally. I don't have any children of my own (I can't have children).
(Me and the boyfriend): We have a good relationship we are both in our mid 30's, very stable income, educated and get along pretty well. I stay at his home 7 nights a week, but I do still have my own place (irrelavent to discussion, but it's a personal decission of my own). we discuss marrage, lightly, but know that neither of us are ready right now and neither of us feel rushed.
(Me and the Mom): I've only seen/ met her a hand full of times(very briefly), but she always expresses pleasent indifference, which is about the same way I behave towards her. We are pleasent with a few lines of small talk (about the weather). I try very hard to follow the "rules" of a stepmom (via reading studies, articles, blogs, ect). And thus far neither of us have expressed a need to express our feelings (for good or bad) to eachother or anyother party (for what it's worth, I have no angst for her, I have no idea what she feels towards me). She is apprehensive of me doing anything besides "just being there" ie, I can't pick up the boys from day camp when dad is stuck at work (she has boyfriend's dad, who lives 30 min away, pick them up instead of allowing me(I live 5 mins)) but, on the other hand, she knows that I am very involved (her youngest has a book he likes read to him before bed, I read one chapter, he takes it home for mom to read next and we've continued that for awhile)
(Boyfriend and Mom): They were divorced 3.5 years ago. My boyfriend was not a good husband towards the end and she was very bitter (understandably so) for a long time. They can now at least communicate on a superficial level appropriately. (this change of events occured tangent with my becoming on the scene, not to "toot" my own horn, but I did try very hard to get my boyfriend to compromise with her and at minimal be tactful). My boyfriends fathering skills have greatly enhanced over the last year also (the mom has even commented on how attentive he has been regarding the kids).
Now, if I didn't bore you, here's my issue:
My boyfriend has his children every Sunday (among 2 week days and every other weekend) from Noon till 5pm. My family lives 2.5 hours recently, my family has had a few family functions (birthday parties, family reunions, ect). The boys mom is "unconfortable" with the boys going to my family functions; understandable, I guess,(I've never been given a reason as to why) but, this puts me in a very difficult position. My options are to not go at all, or to go by myself. Both of these are an issue. My family doesn't/ hasn't had the opportunity to get to know my boyfriend well at all and they don't get to know my step children in anyway. This not only upsets me deeply, because the boys are a huge part of my life and I want my family to know this part of me, but also because it feels like I am forced to choose who is more important.
Same goes for holidays. My boyfriend has the children 1/2 time on all holidays which puts me in the same predicament.
Part of me wants to believe that this will change when I am officially the stepmom, but part of me is concerned this will always be the case.
Anyone have this issue before? How did you deal with it?