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I want to be "just" Dad's wife

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I am re-defining my role in my own head... I want to be "just" Dad's wife.  I don't want to "be" stepmom to my sd anymore. 

I feel like in my head being defined as stepmom carries with it responsibilities to the child.  But by defining myself as just Dad's wife, it is a totally different role in my mind. 

The recent decline in my relationship with my sd has brought me to this conclusion.  By allowing myself to only consider myself as dad's wife, I feel like I mostly just need to support my husband but not make "raising" or parenting my sd my concern. 

I guess to me it just feels like one more step in disengaging from my stepfamily situation. 

My sd has become increasingly disrespectful and I feel like the only recourse I have right now is to step back... way back.  I have my own son to take care of and worry about.  My husband is currently unwilling to address the situation with my sd.  Honestly, I am not completely innocent in contributing to the current situation, but I feel like I haven't really "done" anything to make things the way they are.  I mean that maybe I could have reacted to a few things differently, but my behavior and attitudes toward my sd haven't really changed.  The main problem is I'm not willing to just let my sd's disrespect happen to me.  I really feel like sd's bm has had a huge impact on the way things currently are.  I also think my dh has allowed things to digress to the current situation. 

I feel powerless to really change my sd's behavior, so I feel like the only action I can take right now is to step back and just be a wife to my dh and a mom to my ds. 

Thoughts? 



by on Jul. 26, 2013 at 4:56 PM
Replies (21-30):
DeliteCrazy
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 12:26 PM

If my ds disrespects someone in their home, I expect that person to handle it. Don't not do anything, than tell the parent what the kid did, and expect the parent to be okay with that.

How do you handle anyone else who may be disrespectful to you?


Quoting akm378mn:

Sorry, but I never said "I love her like my own"  And also, what are your suggestions to me to get my sd's behavior under control?  Should I just be a doormat and allow her to treat me like crap since that's how she's decided to act?  If she were my child, then that would be a different story... but since she's my sd, how should I "make" her behave and treat me better? 

As an adult, should I really have to allow a 10 year old to act like a complete brat and be totally disrespecful to me?  Especially in my own home?  Since my husband won't back me up, what do you propose I do?  Just divorce him?  Well, sorry, but I'm not willing to to that. 

How in the hell am I being "selfish" by not wanting to be disrespected in my own home? 

Maybe you have a disrespectful daughter who "can do no wrong." 


Get over yourself. 



Quoting baparrot2:

And this is why stepparents aren't always best for children. Why they don't matter as much as they think they do. Because to me, this post is SHIT! How fucked up to yank a kid around like this? Oh, I love you like my own......eh, dont feel like it anymore because I'm a substandard selfish woman who thought she knew what she wanted and then just up and changed her mind.

You do this shit at the grocery store, picking out shoes, deciding on which lipstick looks best, not childrens lives!!

Posts like this bug the hell out of me.





akm378mn
by Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 12:36 PM

Honestly, I have tried everything... my sd has become so defiant towards me that nothing I do seems to work.  Which is why I have gotten to this point of disengaging. 



Quoting DeliteCrazy:

If my ds disrespects someone in their home, I expect that person to handle it. Don't not do anything, than tell the parent what the kid did, and expect the parent to be okay with that.

How do you handle anyone else who may be disrespectful to you?


Quoting akm378mn:

Sorry, but I never said "I love her like my own"  And also, what are your suggestions to me to get my sd's behavior under control?  Should I just be a doormat and allow her to treat me like crap since that's how she's decided to act?  If she were my child, then that would be a different story... but since she's my sd, how should I "make" her behave and treat me better? 

As an adult, should I really have to allow a 10 year old to act like a complete brat and be totally disrespecful to me?  Especially in my own home?  Since my husband won't back me up, what do you propose I do?  Just divorce him?  Well, sorry, but I'm not willing to to that. 

How in the hell am I being "selfish" by not wanting to be disrespected in my own home? 

Maybe you have a disrespectful daughter who "can do no wrong." 


Get over yourself. 



Quoting baparrot2:

And this is why stepparents aren't always best for children. Why they don't matter as much as they think they do. Because to me, this post is SHIT! How fucked up to yank a kid around like this? Oh, I love you like my own......eh, dont feel like it anymore because I'm a substandard selfish woman who thought she knew what she wanted and then just up and changed her mind.

You do this shit at the grocery store, picking out shoes, deciding on which lipstick looks best, not childrens lives!!

Posts like this bug the hell out of me.







phoenixhuntress
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 12:43 PM
3 moms liked this

I respectfully disagree with you on this statement.  Now if the child is quite small & in need of supervision at all times then yes, it would be selfish of a SM to ignore the situation (ie: 2 yr old is running about with scissors, trying to drink the dishwashing liquid, etc).  This woman's SD is 10 & is acting out.  There is really NO reason for her to do anything but to help keep the child safe.  If she prefers not to be cussed out, sassed at or treated like crap by a TEN YEAR OLD ... then it is best for her to step back & let the dad handle all those issues.  Men tend to think that once a SM is in the house she can take over the mothering role.  As most BM would assert...SM is NOT the child's mother.  There is no reason for SM to take that role. 

You marry a person NOT the family.  If that is the case then we must love our DH's parents, siblings, their spouses, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc.  Just because he has kids doesn't mean we have to love them (be respectful to them...yes!); esp like our own because it's  human nature to love a child you gave birth to more than any other child you come into contact with.  I loved my nieces & nephews (still do) so very much before I had my own kids but since I've had children of my own, my love for them FAR surpasses what I felt for my nieces & nephews.  THAT surge of love still boggles my mind today!  I'm biologically related to my sisters' children so therefore have more of an attachment to them than I would other kids.  Don't get me wrong I like kids...I like them a lot ... but expecting someone to shoulder the responsibility of a child someone else created with my husband BEFORE we were married is not really all that reasonable.


Quoting liels898:

Sorry, but if you marry into a family situation that's what you invited into your life. Your stepchild is just as much your responsibility as his father's. I'd suggest marriage counselling so that your husband has to deal with respecting your needs concerning the care of the child. 


cjp717
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 2:35 PM
A tough situation here, and I won't really think I should have a say since I don't personally know you or your family history.

I will share you a bit of my outlook on my situation. I believe that I'm called to love my stepchildren when I married my husband. I cannot fully do my job as his hide if I don't build a relationship with his children too. Just like marriage, relationships with SKs take time and work too. I have often felt slighted and ignored by my two SSs. I feel like everyone expects me to promote them (treat them as if they're mine, I mean), but they don't have to always return the favor, so to speak, and I'm to accept that considering that fact they're growing up in a "broken home" and afterall, I did chose this life. No one has ever said that to me, it's just the vibe I get from my H, his ex, and SSs. Regardless of any of this, I am a Christian, and I try very hard to follow God's teaching. My lock screen on my phone is Galatians 6:9. "And let us not be weary in well going; for in due season, we will reap if we faint not." KJV that means never give up in doing good to others, even if you don't feel blessed or if you just aren't getting the same treatment. If you keep being faithful, God WILL bless you and you'll get so many good things that you won't be able to keep up with them all.

My SSs have acted like that (they're now 15 and 12). They're are sweet boys, but not perfect. I think they were testinge to see if I really was going to be there for them. If I really did care about them like I said I did, even though I'm their stepparent, and don't necessarily HAVE to care. Don't be just Dad's wife. Don't give up on showing this child your unconditional love! Soon, the prodigal son will return and will honor you (by thanking you) for always being there and not giving up on him, even when he was being a Humogous Brat!

I hope this helps you! Our young people need boundaries and rules and people they can depend on to love them always. May God bless you and your family!
DeliteCrazy
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 3:55 PM
Disengaging how? I mean are you going to ignore SD, just cook and clean up after ds and your dh, will dh have to find other care for his dd?

Are you prepared for the alternative? Let say dh gets a handle on SD, but is like hey I got this, I don't really need my wife's help anyhow.

If he needs to find alternative care, that may mean less funds for ds.

Do you work?

Is your dh on board with this?
What are the rules, that you'll be setting?


Quoting akm378mn:

Honestly, I have tried everything... my sd has become so defiant towards me that nothing I do seems to work.  Which is why I have gotten to this point of disengaging. 




Quoting DeliteCrazy:

If my ds disrespects someone in their home, I expect that person to handle it. Don't not do anything, than tell the parent what the kid did, and expect the parent to be okay with that.

How do you handle anyone else who may be disrespectful to you?



Quoting akm378mn:

Sorry, but I never said "I love her like my own"  And also, what are your suggestions to me to get my sd's behavior under control?  Should I just be a doormat and allow her to treat me like crap since that's how she's decided to act?  If she were my child, then that would be a different story... but since she's my sd, how should I "make" her behave and treat me better? 

As an adult, should I really have to allow a 10 year old to act like a complete brat and be totally disrespecful to me?  Especially in my own home?  Since my husband won't back me up, what do you propose I do?  Just divorce him?  Well, sorry, but I'm not willing to to that. 

How in the hell am I being "selfish" by not wanting to be disrespected in my own home? 

Maybe you have a disrespectful daughter who "can do no wrong." 


Get over yourself. 




Quoting baparrot2:

And this is why stepparents aren't always best for children. Why they don't matter as much as they think they do. Because to me, this post is SHIT! How fucked up to yank a kid around like this? Oh, I love you like my own......eh, dont feel like it anymore because I'm a substandard selfish woman who thought she knew what she wanted and then just up and changed her mind.

You do this shit at the grocery store, picking out shoes, deciding on which lipstick looks best, not childrens lives!!

Posts like this bug the hell out of me.











Posted on CafeMom Mobile
DeliteCrazy
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 3:55 PM
Disengaging how? I mean are you going to ignore SD, just cook and clean up after ds and your dh, will dh have to find other care for his dd?

Are you prepared for the alternative? Let say dh gets a handle on SD, but is like hey I got this, I don't really need my wife's help anyhow.

If he needs to find alternative care, that may mean less funds for ds.

Do you work?

Is your dh on board with this?
What are the rules, that you'll be setting?


Quoting akm378mn:

Honestly, I have tried everything... my sd has become so defiant towards me that nothing I do seems to work.  Which is why I have gotten to this point of disengaging. 




Quoting DeliteCrazy:

If my ds disrespects someone in their home, I expect that person to handle it. Don't not do anything, than tell the parent what the kid did, and expect the parent to be okay with that.

How do you handle anyone else who may be disrespectful to you?



Quoting akm378mn:

Sorry, but I never said "I love her like my own"  And also, what are your suggestions to me to get my sd's behavior under control?  Should I just be a doormat and allow her to treat me like crap since that's how she's decided to act?  If she were my child, then that would be a different story... but since she's my sd, how should I "make" her behave and treat me better? 

As an adult, should I really have to allow a 10 year old to act like a complete brat and be totally disrespecful to me?  Especially in my own home?  Since my husband won't back me up, what do you propose I do?  Just divorce him?  Well, sorry, but I'm not willing to to that. 

How in the hell am I being "selfish" by not wanting to be disrespected in my own home? 

Maybe you have a disrespectful daughter who "can do no wrong." 


Get over yourself. 




Quoting baparrot2:

And this is why stepparents aren't always best for children. Why they don't matter as much as they think they do. Because to me, this post is SHIT! How fucked up to yank a kid around like this? Oh, I love you like my own......eh, dont feel like it anymore because I'm a substandard selfish woman who thought she knew what she wanted and then just up and changed her mind.

You do this shit at the grocery store, picking out shoes, deciding on which lipstick looks best, not childrens lives!!

Posts like this bug the hell out of me.











Posted on CafeMom Mobile
2bcalledmommy
by on Sep. 30, 2013 at 5:50 PM
1 mom liked this

ms.renae.....Sincerely and with all due respect to you, and I am sure I am not alone in this thought, I believe you will be singing a totally different tune once all of your girls (BKs and SKs) hit puberty and hormonal changes come into play.

Quoting ms.renae:

Wow I'm thankful my daughters don't have any of you as their step mother. My kids step mother treats myb girls as her own. And I treat my step daughter as my own. When you marry a man with kids you are agreeing to treat his kids as your own. If you can't do that you should have never married a man with kids.



dbush0584
by on Sep. 30, 2013 at 5:53 PM

I have a similar problem with SD and her father.  He thinks his "angel" can do no wrong.  I see otherwise because I am with her more.  I have started to let him handle the "punishments" but honestly I think it's making it worse.  

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 5:56 PM
2 moms liked this

I wonder why this got bumped.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 6:13 PM
1 mom liked this


I know this poster is probably long gone now, but I want to address the sentence in red.

This is very naive, and completely unreaslistic and unnecessary. And this way of thinking has destroyed stepfamilies that otherwise could have thrived.

Quoting ms.renae:

Wow I'm thankful my daughters don't have any of you as their step mother. My kids step mother treats myb girls as her own. And I treat my step daughter as my own. When you marry a man with kids you are agreeing to treat his kids as your own. If you can't do that you should have never married a man with kids.



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