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I want to be "just" Dad's wife

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I am re-defining my role in my own head... I want to be "just" Dad's wife.  I don't want to "be" stepmom to my sd anymore. 

I feel like in my head being defined as stepmom carries with it responsibilities to the child.  But by defining myself as just Dad's wife, it is a totally different role in my mind. 

The recent decline in my relationship with my sd has brought me to this conclusion.  By allowing myself to only consider myself as dad's wife, I feel like I mostly just need to support my husband but not make "raising" or parenting my sd my concern. 

I guess to me it just feels like one more step in disengaging from my stepfamily situation. 

My sd has become increasingly disrespectful and I feel like the only recourse I have right now is to step back... way back.  I have my own son to take care of and worry about.  My husband is currently unwilling to address the situation with my sd.  Honestly, I am not completely innocent in contributing to the current situation, but I feel like I haven't really "done" anything to make things the way they are.  I mean that maybe I could have reacted to a few things differently, but my behavior and attitudes toward my sd haven't really changed.  The main problem is I'm not willing to just let my sd's disrespect happen to me.  I really feel like sd's bm has had a huge impact on the way things currently are.  I also think my dh has allowed things to digress to the current situation. 

I feel powerless to really change my sd's behavior, so I feel like the only action I can take right now is to step back and just be a wife to my dh and a mom to my ds. 

Thoughts? 



by on Jul. 26, 2013 at 4:56 PM
Replies (31-40):
KLBrown
by Bronze Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 10:19 PM
I'm "dad's gf" and I love it. I cook meals and do laundry, but have nothing to do with discipline or telling them what to do (chores, homework, etc). I don't transport, I don't schedule, I just show up to watch games & listen to concerts & enjoy time with them.

Dad's the parent, I don't have to be :)
lovingflamama
by Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 10:44 PM

It's so hard to step back, that is what I am wrestling with now but I truly believe it's the only way for everyone to be happy. Be a mom to your little guy and the wife. Let us know how it goes :)

destinyangl21
by Bronze Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 11:21 PM

 This is what your problem is.

BM can say things, do things all she wants but if Dad doesn't step up to the plate (and I'm not saying specifically yours I am saying in general) and parent his child then its a DH issue not a BM issue.

In my sitch, BM for an entire year thought I was the devil. Literally told my Skids I was the devil, not a joke.

When my Skids tried to treat me as such, DH stepped up and put a stop to that real quick.

And you're right, you are only responsible for your own home and your family.


Quoting akm378mn:

I am re-defining my role in my own head... I want to be "just" Dad's wife.  I don't want to "be" stepmom to my sd anymore. 

I feel like in my head being defined as stepmom carries with it responsibilities to the child.  But by defining myself as just Dad's wife, it is a totally different role in my mind. 

The recent decline in my relationship with my sd has brought me to this conclusion.  By allowing myself to only consider myself as dad's wife, I feel like I mostly just need to support my husband but not make "raising" or parenting my sd my concern. 

I guess to me it just feels like one more step in disengaging from my stepfamily situation. 

My sd has become increasingly disrespectful and I feel like the only recourse I have right now is to step back... way back.  I have my own son to take care of and worry about.  My husband is currently unwilling to address the situation with my sd.  Honestly, I am not completely innocent in contributing to the current situation, but I feel like I haven't really "done" anything to make things the way they are.  I mean that maybe I could have reacted to a few things differently, but my behavior and attitudes toward my sd haven't really changed.  The main problem is I'm not willing to just let my sd's disrespect happen to me.  I really feel like sd's bm has had a huge impact on the way things currently are.  I also think my dh has allowed things to digress to the current situation. 

I feel powerless to really change my sd's behavior, so I feel like the only action I can take right now is to step back and just be a wife to my dh and a mom to my ds. 

Thoughts? 

 

 


 

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Oct. 1, 2013 at 8:21 AM
1 mom liked this

As an aside...the only way that disengaging truly works is if people KNOW that you're doing it and know WHY.

If all you do is stop doing things without the heads up "Hey folks, I'm not going to do X, Y and Z anymore" then it just creates a more frustrating situation.  You have to at least tell DH that you're done doing things BECAUSE it makes you feel frustrated and used and that from here on out, he is responsible for X, Y and Z..."

looneytunes290
by on Oct. 1, 2013 at 11:51 AM
I don't think I could disengage if I were a custodial sm. As a ncsm I feel that it probably saved our marriage. I have been dad's wife for over two years. When I married dh it was understood that I didn't want to parent his then - half grown children. We hoped at best to be friends. Honestly dh and his family conveyed that it would take a very empathetic person to be dad's wife as there had always been a lot of drama from the bm- and the kids had caused issues in all if DHs previous attempts at relationships. There first few years were "friendly" but when the kids became disrespectful I stepped back. I don't like the statement "you shouldn't have married dad if you weren't willing to help him" I didn't agree to help him when we married. I don't think I have "hindered" my skids outcomes. And - I don't feel that dh should be sentenced to a life Of solitude because he married young and had kids with a lady who eventually decided she wanted something different. Overall I don't regret my choice to marry dh- but it has been difficult at times. I wish I had found cafemom sooner because it was difficult for me to gve myself permission to disengage.
ms.renae
by on Oct. 3, 2013 at 4:42 PM
I find you to be extremely funny. Out of the two of us why do you feel I will change my tune. Just because a child/teen has an attitude you should treat them differently. All you so called step mother need to look in the mirror


Quoting 2bcalledmommy:

ms.renae.....Sincerely and with all due respect to you, and I am sure I am not alone in this thought, I believe you will be singing a totally different tune once all of your girls (BKs and SKs) hit puberty and hormonal changes come into play.


Quoting ms.renae:

Wow I'm thankful my daughters don't have any of you as their step mother. My kids step mother treats myb girls as her own. And I treat my step daughter as my own. When you marry a man with kids you are agreeing to treat his kids as your own. If you can't do that you should have never married a man with kids.





ms.renae
by on Oct. 3, 2013 at 4:47 PM
Don't frequent this group because I find you all to be angry and need therapy. I feel sorry for your step children for having you all as step mothers. You all really need to get a life and stop miss treating your step children.


Quoting whatIknownow:


I know this poster is probably long gone now, but I want to address the sentence in red.

This is very naive, and completely unreaslistic and unnecessary. And this way of thinking has destroyed stepfamilies that otherwise could have thrived.


Quoting ms.renae:

Wow I'm thankful my daughters don't have any of you as their step mother. My kids step mother treats myb girls as her own. And I treat my step daughter as my own. When you marry a man with kids you are agreeing to treat his kids as your own. If you can't do that you should have never married a man with kids.





Derdriu
by Gold Member on Oct. 3, 2013 at 5:03 PM

I disagree.  She used the word "treat", and I think it's very important an attempt is made to treat the kids the same.  It's the concept of loving SKs as your own or trying to that I think destroys step-families.  I don't find it realistic in the slightest for a SP to love their SKs as much or in the same way as they loves their BK.  Of course, sometimes even attemping to be fair in treatment of the kids is impossible if the spousal BP won't allow it, which seems to have been the OP's situation.


Quoting whatIknownow:

 

I know this poster is probably long gone now, but I want to address the sentence in red.

This is very naive, and completely unreaslistic and unnecessary. And this way of thinking has destroyed stepfamilies that otherwise could have thrived.

Quoting ms.renae:

Wow I'm thankful my daughters don't have any of you as their step mother. My kids step mother treats myb girls as her own. And I treat my step daughter as my own. When you marry a man with kids you are agreeing to treat his kids as your own. If you can't do that you should have never married a man with kids.

 

 


 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 3, 2013 at 5:09 PM


We are angry and need therapy because we  have happy stepfamilies and good relationships with our stepchildren?

Hmmm. Not sure where you're finding "anger" in anything I've written. I'm also wondering if you can point to anything I've ever posted, that suggests I mistreat my stepchildren.

Quoting ms.renae:

Don't frequent this group because I find you all to be angry and need therapy. I feel sorry for your step children for having you all as step mothers. You all really need to get a life and stop miss treating your step children.


Quoting whatIknownow:


I know this poster is probably long gone now, but I want to address the sentence in red.

This is very naive, and completely unreaslistic and unnecessary. And this way of thinking has destroyed stepfamilies that otherwise could have thrived.


Quoting ms.renae:

Wow I'm thankful my daughters don't have any of you as their step mother. My kids step mother treats myb girls as her own. And I treat my step daughter as my own. When you marry a man with kids you are agreeing to treat his kids as your own. If you can't do that you should have never married a man with kids.







whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 3, 2013 at 5:14 PM
1 mom liked this


It depends on what you mean by "treat" I guess.  You should treat them with kindness. If you buy ice cream for some, you should buy ice cream for all. So in that sense I think  you should treat them the same.

But, if "treat" extends to expectations for school performance, etc., a SM might not "treat" her stepkids the same way, because she doesn't have the ability to enforce such expectations, and the stepchild may not feel an obligation to live up to the SM's expectations. So in some cases she has to back out and let the bioparent's expectations apply to the stepkids, even if these expectations are different from what she applies to her own kids. That would be an example of how she might "treat" her kids and stepkids differently.

Quoting Derdriu:

I disagree.  She used the word "treat", and I think it's very important an attempt is made to treat the kids the same.  It's the concept of loving SKs as your own or trying to that I think destroys step-families.  I don't find it realistic in the slightest for a SP to love their SKs as much or in the same way as they loves their BK.  Of course, sometimes even attemping to be fair in treatment of the kids is impossible if the spousal BP won't allow it, which seems to have been the OP's situation.


Quoting whatIknownow:


I know this poster is probably long gone now, but I want to address the sentence in red.

This is very naive, and completely unreaslistic and unnecessary. And this way of thinking has destroyed stepfamilies that otherwise could have thrived.

Quoting ms.renae:

Wow I'm thankful my daughters don't have any of you as their step mother. My kids step mother treats myb girls as her own. And I treat my step daughter as my own. When you marry a man with kids you are agreeing to treat his kids as your own. If you can't do that you should have never married a man with kids.







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