Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

I want to be "just" Dad's wife

Posted by   + Show Post

I am re-defining my role in my own head... I want to be "just" Dad's wife.  I don't want to "be" stepmom to my sd anymore. 

I feel like in my head being defined as stepmom carries with it responsibilities to the child.  But by defining myself as just Dad's wife, it is a totally different role in my mind. 

The recent decline in my relationship with my sd has brought me to this conclusion.  By allowing myself to only consider myself as dad's wife, I feel like I mostly just need to support my husband but not make "raising" or parenting my sd my concern. 

I guess to me it just feels like one more step in disengaging from my stepfamily situation. 

My sd has become increasingly disrespectful and I feel like the only recourse I have right now is to step back... way back.  I have my own son to take care of and worry about.  My husband is currently unwilling to address the situation with my sd.  Honestly, I am not completely innocent in contributing to the current situation, but I feel like I haven't really "done" anything to make things the way they are.  I mean that maybe I could have reacted to a few things differently, but my behavior and attitudes toward my sd haven't really changed.  The main problem is I'm not willing to just let my sd's disrespect happen to me.  I really feel like sd's bm has had a huge impact on the way things currently are.  I also think my dh has allowed things to digress to the current situation. 

I feel powerless to really change my sd's behavior, so I feel like the only action I can take right now is to step back and just be a wife to my dh and a mom to my ds. 

Thoughts? 



by on Jul. 26, 2013 at 4:56 PM
Replies (41-50):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 3, 2013 at 5:16 PM


I think you are confused.

Quoting ms.renae:

I find you to be extremely funny. Out of the two of us why do you feel I will change my tune. Just because a child/teen has an attitude you should treat them differently. All you so called step mother need to look in the mirror


Quoting 2bcalledmommy:

ms.renae.....Sincerely and with all due respect to you, and I am sure I am not alone in this thought, I believe you will be singing a totally different tune once all of your girls (BKs and SKs) hit puberty and hormonal changes come into play.


Quoting ms.renae:

Wow I'm thankful my daughters don't have any of you as their step mother. My kids step mother treats myb girls as her own. And I treat my step daughter as my own. When you marry a man with kids you are agreeing to treat his kids as your own. If you can't do that you should have never married a man with kids.







rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Oct. 3, 2013 at 5:32 PM
Actually, based on your response your implying that SMs actually do matter quite a bit, if they can have such a dramatic effect on their stepchild. I agree its not right to mess with your skids minds like that though.


Quoting baparrot2:

And this is why stepparents aren't always best for children. Why they don't matter as much as they think they do. Because to me, this post is SHIT! How fucked up to yank a kid around like this? Oh, I love you like my own......eh, dont feel like it anymore because I'm a substandard selfish woman who thought she knew what she wanted and then just up and changed her mind.

You do this shit at the grocery store, picking out shoes, deciding on which lipstick looks best, not childrens lives!!

Posts like this bug the hell out of me.


macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Oct. 3, 2013 at 5:37 PM
1 mom liked this

 My question is why do you still want to be his wife if he is not willing to work on the situation that is causing an issue for you all?

ms.renae
by on Oct. 3, 2013 at 8:27 PM
I'll get back to you angry women later I'm too busy loving my step daughter as my own.


Quoting whatIknownow:


We are angry and need therapy because we  have happy stepfamilies and good relationships with our stepchildren?

Hmmm. Not sure where you're finding "anger" in anything I've written. I'm also wondering if you can point to anything I've ever posted, that suggests I mistreat my stepchildren.


Quoting ms.renae:

Don't frequent this group because I find you all to be angry and need therapy. I feel sorry for your step children for having you all as step mothers. You all really need to get a life and stop miss treating your step children.





Quoting whatIknownow:


I know this poster is probably long gone now, but I want to address the sentence in red.

This is very naive, and completely unreaslistic and unnecessary. And this way of thinking has destroyed stepfamilies that otherwise could have thrived.



Quoting ms.renae:

Wow I'm thankful my daughters don't have any of you as their step mother. My kids step mother treats myb girls as her own. And I treat my step daughter as my own. When you marry a man with kids you are agreeing to treat his kids as your own. If you can't do that you should have never married a man with kids.











ms.renae
by on Oct. 3, 2013 at 8:31 PM
So I guess people that adopt kids never fully love them right? Its not like its their biological child. That seems to he your thinking. And why are you and the other poster so obsessed with a post from so long ago get a life


Quoting Derdriu:

I disagree.  She used the word "treat", and I think it's very important an attempt is made to treat the kids the same.  It's the concept of loving SKs as your own or trying to that I think destroys step-families.  I don't find it realistic in the slightest for a SP to love their SKs as much or in the same way as they loves their BK.  Of course, sometimes even attemping to be fair in treatment of the kids is impossible if the spousal BP won't allow it, which seems to have been the OP's situation.




Quoting whatIknownow:


 


I know this poster is probably long gone now, but I want to address the sentence in red.


This is very naive, and completely unreaslistic and unnecessary. And this way of thinking has destroyed stepfamilies that otherwise could have thrived.


Quoting ms.renae:

Wow I'm thankful my daughters don't have any of you as their step mother. My kids step mother treats myb girls as her own. And I treat my step daughter as my own. When you marry a man with kids you are agreeing to treat his kids as your own. If you can't do that you should have never married a man with kids.

 


 




 


whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 3, 2013 at 8:49 PM


Adoption is different from stepparenting. In adoption, you become the actual, legal mother. And the birth mother is completely and permenantly gone.

How can you tell us to get a life when you keep replying to this thread?

Quoting ms.renae:

So I guess people that adopt kids never fully love them right? Its not like its their biological child. That seems to he your thinking. And why are you and the other poster so obsessed with a post from so long ago get a life


Quoting Derdriu:

I disagree.  She used the word "treat", and I think it's very important an attempt is made to treat the kids the same.  It's the concept of loving SKs as your own or trying to that I think destroys step-families.  I don't find it realistic in the slightest for a SP to love their SKs as much or in the same way as they loves their BK.  Of course, sometimes even attemping to be fair in treatment of the kids is impossible if the spousal BP won't allow it, which seems to have been the OP's situation.




Quoting whatIknownow:




I know this poster is probably long gone now, but I want to address the sentence in red.


This is very naive, and completely unreaslistic and unnecessary. And this way of thinking has destroyed stepfamilies that otherwise could have thrived.


Quoting ms.renae:

Wow I'm thankful my daughters don't have any of you as their step mother. My kids step mother treats myb girls as her own. And I treat my step daughter as my own. When you marry a man with kids you are agreeing to treat his kids as your own. If you can't do that you should have never married a man with kids.











whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 3, 2013 at 8:50 PM

how can anyone be "busy loving their kids?" That doesn't even make any sense. 

And... sounds kind of ...weird.

I love my kids too, but I can multitask.


Quoting ms.renae:

I'll get back to you angry women later I'm too busy loving my step daughter as my own.


Quoting whatIknownow:


We are angry and need therapy because we  have happy stepfamilies and good relationships with our stepchildren?

Hmmm. Not sure where you're finding "anger" in anything I've written. I'm also wondering if you can point to anything I've ever posted, that suggests I mistreat my stepchildren.


Quoting ms.renae:

Don't frequent this group because I find you all to be angry and need therapy. I feel sorry for your step children for having you all as step mothers. You all really need to get a life and stop miss treating your step children.





Quoting whatIknownow:


I know this poster is probably long gone now, but I want to address the sentence in red.

This is very naive, and completely unreaslistic and unnecessary. And this way of thinking has destroyed stepfamilies that otherwise could have thrived.



Quoting ms.renae:

Wow I'm thankful my daughters don't have any of you as their step mother. My kids step mother treats myb girls as her own. And I treat my step daughter as my own. When you marry a man with kids you are agreeing to treat his kids as your own. If you can't do that you should have never married a man with kids.













AnnaMess
by on Oct. 3, 2013 at 10:39 PM

That's a difficult situation. Have you tried talking to your sd? Sometimes there is a lot of resentment towards a step parent.

AydensMommy1008
by Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 8:16 AM

I have the same things going on with my bf's kids. I had been taking complete care of them for the past 3 years. They have visitation with thier Mother, but live with us. (Triplets, 2 boys/1girl, plus he has 2 more that visit at OUR house!) Anyhow the triplets and the 2 that come over for visits are HIGHLY antagonistic and jealous towards my son (5) and disrespectful, rude, back talk, you name it, Ive experienced it with these kids. I ALSO believe that their Mother has been filling their heads with bs when theyre over there, and their Dad also doesnt really direct them the way I feel he should either, but instead lets it happen, and unless its completely over the top he never says a word!
SOO I like you have also taken a step back. They no longer come home to me from school, instead his sister has been picking them up and watching them for him until he gets off work, I dont go out of my way anymore to help them UNLESS I abso have to, I just dont care to really be close to them anymore. They have told their Dad lies about me and caused fights between him and I. And I feel the same way, Im like all Im trying to do is be a blessing in your life and theirs and help you raise them, but instead I get treated like shit for it, and its like a slap in the face, when I have my own son to look after and care for. So I just take care of him, I still help out with his kids, of course. When hes off work on weekends and we have them, we have 6 kids all weekend long every other weeked, and he of course expects me to do EVERYTHING! So I help out with all that, but I dont go out of my way for them anymore, and not nearly like I do for my own son.
Ive been disengaging from them for awhile now, and Ive been a lot happier within myself. Instead of working so hard and feeling like Im losing with them, I just stopped working with them and Im glad I did honestly. It was getting me nowhere. So now anymore when they ask for something, I either send them to their Dad or tell them to ask their Mom when they go to her house. :)

akm378mn
by Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 10:56 AM

I'm not really sure why this thread got picked up again, but I thought I would give an update to my disengaging story...

It has been a couple of months since my original post and I have to say that things have actually improved quite a bit.  We don't have the major day to day tension and stress like we did.  Not to say that everything is perfect, but the entire situation is better in a lot of ways.  I was tired of the drama and conflict, so I stepped back and let things go that I couldn't control...  And yes, my life is better for it.  And I even think it is better for SD... we no longer have the constant conflict and the "butting" of heads because I am not trying to control something that I can't control. 

Is this how I wanted it to be?  No.  Is this what is working for our family at this moment?  Yes.  I still have conflict with my sd from time to time because there are things that I am not willing to let go... especially when it comes to my son.  But I am not involved in the day to day things that I consider parenting with her anymore... I don't concern myself with her school... that's her parents' job.  I don't take her to and from activies (unless dh really couldn't do it.).  I don't really attend functions for her unless we are going as a whole family. 

I still do things like pay for food, cook, help with her laundry, etc... but the parenting, unless it's affecting my child too, I stay out of it.  I worry about providing for my child and taking care of him.  I will still let dh know about things pertaining to his daughter if it's something I know about... for example... I keep track of her practice/game schedule on our family calendar... but my responsibilities are to dh, not to sd.  I will help him with certain things, but choose not to try to force myself on the situation. 

Things aren't perfect, but they are much improved.  I feel like I am living in peace much more often now.  And that was my goal... I couldn't stand the chaos anymore. 

I am staying married to my husband because I love him and we have a child together... I no longer feel like our marriage is in danger. 


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)