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My heart feels for DH....

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Sometimes i just want to turn it off. My ability and want and need to care for SD like i do. During the summer DH gets her on his days off according to his schedule, which this year they agreed to three days this time four days the next regardless of the fact that Dh is supposed to get SD half of the summer he always compromises with BM so as not to have to deal with her attitude. But i absolutely despise the way she always acts like SD is only her child and she "lets" DH have her when he does. As if parent time guideline plays no role in this she has nonchalantly threatened to take away his weekly overnights despite their agreement in the past which he has record of. When this happens he has to reenforce that she cant do that but refuses to take her back to court for anything because our state favors the mother regardless of the type of person she is. BM gets way more on child support currently than she is supposed to be getting do to the fact that when they divorced she was unemployed. Child support is still set up this way today even tho its been over three years and she has work the whole time and recieved a promotion. But BM is the type of person that if he had it changed she would quickly drop to part time or quit her job just to switch it back the next year so whats the point. During the school year she will go get her hair done, eat out every for almost every meal every day, etc. while dressing SD in stained up, holey raggedy clothing that is either too small or too big, never proper fit. She will go weeks on end without adding money to SD's lunch account which we have record of reaching the negatives in hundreds. She is a hoarder, and I mean filthy hoarder. I've only been in their home once and she won't let me near it anymore. It smells, there are things everywhere, and last year you couldnt see SD's floor of her room. The piles of junk were so high SD slept on the couch the majority of the school year. Last week she told us she can sleep in her bed, which is in a larger room since her sister moved out, but that she has to walk on all of her things to get to it because she has no where to store anything. I can only imagine what it looks like now. But all of this boils down to how she is 100% loyal to mom as if she could do no wrong. Her mom will call her cell (which we got her for her 10th birthday in hopes that DH could reach her more) numerous times and SD will not miss a night of talking to mom when she is with us. But when she goes home to BM, DH is lucky if he hears from her once a week at times. This irritates me to no end, but DH says nothing to SD or to me about how it frustrates him, when I know that it does. Just don't know how to cope anymore when BM is such a nasty person and so controlling that she has to attempt to insert herself into our everyday lives including calling a hundred times until she reaches SD. ( sidenote: SD is only allowed to call her mom, dad, step dad, and I currently until she can be responsible. I could care less whether she calls me, but it bothers me when DH trys so hard to be a good daddy and all we hear about when SD is here is mom, and mom, and step dad, and mom. I'm just so fed up. Any advice, comments, relief? Anyone else been through this?

by on Jul. 27, 2013 at 10:56 PM
Replies (11-18):
OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 1:11 PM
I have the same issue as you do with feeling so bad for DH and the whole SK situation. BM in my case lost all custody and only gets 1 wk a year. I'm so thankful about that because BM sounds a lot like yours and would make DHs life aside table as possible.

I don't know if your DH would get very far with the legal system but it doesn't hurt to document. Also, if the home is so filthy, can't you call CPS? You can have the home call amount and times written into the CS for both parents and limit the amount of time SD talks to BM when she is with you and make sure DH speaks to her on a regular basis.

If you suspect PAS then ask the court to have SD evaluated.

It would cost $$ to do some of this but yor DH can do some himself too.

If your DH doesn't want to do anything then it's on him.
spicy0425
by Silver Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 8:19 PM
1 mom liked this

It's normal for a child, especially a daughter to want to be attach, feel love and devotion for the BM.  You can't control what your SD thinks. At least your SD doesn't really have any nasty behavior while she is in your home. She has all the right in the world to want to be with her BM. It's also normal for a  daughter to favor the mom more than the dad. I think you just need to adjust your expectation on your SD and accept her normal behavior. Your SD doesn't cause any problem, doesn't stir the problem between you and your husband...etc.. all she does is loving and wanting to be with her BM more than her dad, which is your DH. I think it's normal. In my case, my DH had been taking care of the OSD since she was 7 months old. Yet, she shows that she loves BM more than my DH. Mind you, my OSD listens to my DH more since he is the disciplinary figure whereas BM is the Disney parent. But, that's normal and nothing is wrong with my OSD, just as there is nothing wrong with your SD.


Quoting Talis:

He realizes this, hence the divorce, but fails to remember at times that there is a child involved and even with SD involved shes more concerned with when she will be going home when she gets here than anything...like being here is a chore that mom just simply asked her to do. So i say, whats the point? You know he may have chosen to procreate with her, but i also chose to marry him. The way I feel about it now, i understood going into a marriage with him that it was not going to be easy, but i never expect it to be this hard. Lately when SD comes, i much rather just let her go home since it seems like thats where she wants to be. She doesnt really have a nasty behavior while being here, thats quite in the contrary, but she does ask often what time she is going home on the day she leaves and it doesnt help that BM instigates the whole thing. They are going on vacation on Tuesday and she feels the need to plan the whole vacation over the phone with SD while she is here. What places their visiting for sure, whether SD wants to stop at other exciting locations along the way. We don't bother her with the details when we go on vacation and she still felt the need to contact SD triple time while we were only gone for 4 days. Calls, texts, unceasing the whole time we were gone. Not to mention the fact that SD never fails to call BM back when she is here but DH hears from her very little while shes gone. None of  it makes sense. I've had about enough of BM thats for sure.


Quoting baparrot2:

Don't feel too bad for your DH.....remember, he picked her to procreate with.





star33
by Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 8:35 PM

 i agree,ur dh should've requested the change,so what if it was for 1 yr,that's a long time.if the sd came over all the time dirty while mom looks like a movie star,i'd be taking pics everytime i saw them.maybe bm would get the hint. i'd only let her wear the nice stuff you bought at ur house (been there).

as for the phone calls,that shit would not be happening.i'd allow 1,maybe 2 phone calls.1 at bedtime,1 the next morning or lunch time.i'd let bm know that it was your time & she will be perfectly fine & she will not have posession of her phone so calling 100 times will not get an answer.i'd erase them b4 the sd saw in case it makes her feel bad.you'll have record if you need it on your phone bill.

minimoo
by Gold Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 8:57 PM
I might have misunderstood, but unfortunately it seems from your post that your dh has a hand in creating this situation for himself. He can't complain about cs amount when he won't do anything about it (and unless his mom currently works for cse, her info might not be accurate- I know times have changed now and many states have turned more father friendly...and usually a review can be requested either w a significant change of circumstances, such as a new job or a certain time frame, such as 3 years). Perhaps the judge would assume he is a bad parent who doesn't want to support his kid, but more than likely, he will be viewed as a parent who has consistently provided for his child and is requesting an accurate amount calculated. Normally, a parent is not viewed as a deadbeat unless they do not provide support for their kids, which I'm assuming he does. And if dad and mom have nonformal agreements, if would behoove him to get those officially part of the court order so that she cannot deny his time or threaten to take away extra time if he doesn't do something (if I understood that right in what she is doing). It seems like he is using rumors other people are telling him as an excuse to not take action. Also...judges see through parents who quit jobs or cut back hours just before a hearing. He might want to look at worksheets though- as another poster pointed out, there is a good chance it could go up.

For the summer...I am confused what the issue is. So he is supposed to have her half the summer, he has her 4 days/week? When he's off? Is she exercising rofr? Is this an agreement they came to?

For the phone calls- you said mom calls sd every day, but sd rarely calls dh. So...what is stopping dh from calling sd? I wish I could call dd every day when she is with bf- that does not make me insecure nor do I not want her to have fun with him; I truly miss my child. I do not stop being a mom when shr is not with me. I do not call everyday, just during my coed times (and even then, he usually doesn't let her talk to me). If her excessive calling bothers dh, then he needs to talk to mom about setting boundaries, like only talking once a day or certain times throughout the week. And...he should pick up the phone and call her like her mom does. He really can't complain that a child is not calling when he is not making an effort himself, kwim? If mom is blocking his calls, then he can talk to her when he establishes boundaries that she needs to afford him the same respect he allows her regarding phone calls. And there is nothing wrong with her asking her dd for input into vacation plans; I might be wrong, but I highly doubt that everything she says to her dd is motivated by ruining her time with her dad. Why are you eavesdropping on the conversations in the first place?

I definitely sense a lot of judgment against mom, some of which seems to be looking for something to judge her for. It seems like mom has reached out and was met with extreme judgment (I.e she invites you to a mom breakfast-something most sms would feel honored mom would want to share with them- and yet you complain that she "cut it short" (confused how she did that) and told you what was bothering her instead of being grateful that she thought enough of you to invite in the first place. I understand how her comments about your dh would make you uncomfortable, but you also could have just said you did not want to be put in the middle. I do not know your dh, but maybe she is right and he is difficult for her to communicate with. He seems very passive aggressive- it seems like she is blamed for every little thing and can do no right no matter how hard she tries and attempts at communicating are ignored; she also gets blamed for assumptions of what she might or might not do
minimoo
by Gold Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 9:04 PM
And please stop the loyalty competition...it will only cause heartache and stress for sd. Her mom and sf are a huge part of her life and are part of her family; she should be allowed to talk about them in your presence without being made to feel like she is consorting with the enemy (even if you do not voice these feelings, kids pick up on them). If she feels like she has to choose, she will choose her mom. You would do better with accepting that she can love her mom and allow her to do so freely.
CFSTBSM27
by Silver Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 9:05 PM
1 mom liked this
That would irritate me to but unless he grows a pair and starts commuting with BM or takes her to court nothing will change. Maybe he needs to have a sit down and if he can't take the legal route
Talis
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 12:24 AM


DH does not complain about her, but i am not taking blame completely out of his hands. He does tend to be a bit passive aggressive but doesnt complain about her either. These are issues that I have. And he does call SD, every evening before he goes to work, but his calls are very rarily returned. SD never misses a phone call from BM here and when questioned about why she missed dads call at home, she jokes up, which only leads me to assume that BM stashs her phone away. Things were no better before SD had her cell. BM would never take DH's calls.With SD's phone we can not track her calls because we have a pay as you go phone assuming BM would attempt to run up the phone bill in which she has. Crisis averted.

As far as inviting me to mornings with moms, she cut it short by ragging on SD about her grades the whole time we were there, ragging on her about her clothing that she (BM) provided for her to wear that morning and then sending her to class after belittling her in front of me, her friends, and her friends mothers. Afterwards she insisted on talking crap about my husband to my face when i have witnesses how he addresses her, always civil, always polite. She is rude, controlling, manipulative and wants to bend rules to  her favor. Wants SD for this day and that day on DH weekends and when he doesnt always comply she threatens to take away weekly overnights or other such things accusing him of being unfair. I am not passing judgement on BM for what she may or may not do, but what I've seen her do. What shes capable of i.e. blowing up on DH over christmas vacation when it was his time with SD but he works nights so i put her to bed and she threw a fit because she shouldnt be with her "stepmother" but with her "mother". So i am in no way shape or form being rude. When all was said about DH from BM i politely said i was sorry that she felt that way and left it at that. Soon after she started ruining clothes from here for picture day, hiding school calendars so DH couldnt participate, keeping SD home from school claiming she had the flu on days she was supposed to come to DH, but never attempting to have her seen by a doctor. DH can be a bit passive aggressive, but has gotten better in time and i feel hes gone through his fair share of bull from BM. Thank you for your opinion and your advice, but you dont know her, you dont know me, and you dont know my situation, but thank you for instantly jumping to defend BM like so many others.

Quoting minimoo:

I might have misunderstood, but unfortunately it seems from your post that your dh has a hand in creating this situation for himself. He can't complain about cs amount when he won't do anything about it (and unless his mom currently works for cse, her info might not be accurate- I know times have changed now and many states have turned more father friendly...and usually a review can be requested either w a significant change of circumstances, such as a new job or a certain time frame, such as 3 years). Perhaps the judge would assume he is a bad parent who doesn't want to support his kid, but more than likely, he will be viewed as a parent who has consistently provided for his child and is requesting an accurate amount calculated. Normally, a parent is not viewed as a deadbeat unless they do not provide support for their kids, which I'm assuming he does. And if dad and mom have nonformal agreements, if would behoove him to get those officially part of the court order so that she cannot deny his time or threaten to take away extra time if he doesn't do something (if I understood that right in what she is doing). It seems like he is using rumors other people are telling him as an excuse to not take action. Also...judges see through parents who quit jobs or cut back hours just before a hearing. He might want to look at worksheets though- as another poster pointed out, there is a good chance it could go up.

For the summer...I am confused what the issue is. So he is supposed to have her half the summer, he has her 4 days/week? When he's off? Is she exercising rofr? Is this an agreement they came to?

For the phone calls- you said mom calls sd every day, but sd rarely calls dh. So...what is stopping dh from calling sd? I wish I could call dd every day when she is with bf- that does not make me insecure nor do I not want her to have fun with him; I truly miss my child. I do not stop being a mom when shr is not with me. I do not call everyday, just during my coed times (and even then, he usually doesn't let her talk to me). If her excessive calling bothers dh, then he needs to talk to mom about setting boundaries, like only talking once a day or certain times throughout the week. And...he should pick up the phone and call her like her mom does. He really can't complain that a child is not calling when he is not making an effort himself, kwim? If mom is blocking his calls, then he can talk to her when he establishes boundaries that she needs to afford him the same respect he allows her regarding phone calls. And there is nothing wrong with her asking her dd for input into vacation plans; I might be wrong, but I highly doubt that everything she says to her dd is motivated by ruining her time with her dad. Why are you eavesdropping on the conversations in the first place?

I definitely sense a lot of judgment against mom, some of which seems to be looking for something to judge her for. It seems like mom has reached out and was met with extreme judgment (I.e she invites you to a mom breakfast-something most sms would feel honored mom would want to share with them- and yet you complain that she "cut it short" (confused how she did that) and told you what was bothering her instead of being grateful that she thought enough of you to invite in the first place. I understand how her comments about your dh would make you uncomfortable, but you also could have just said you did not want to be put in the middle. I do not know your dh, but maybe she is right and he is difficult for her to communicate with. He seems very passive aggressive- it seems like she is blamed for every little thing and can do no right no matter how hard she tries and attempts at communicating are ignored; she also gets blamed for assumptions of what she might or might not do



Talis
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 12:26 AM

and in no way do i show my dislike for her discussing what mom does or doesnt have, do, etc. I encourage her to talk about what she loves. I will admit its unnerving.

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