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New Kid on the Block

Posted by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 11:44 AM
  • 8 Replies

Hi There!

I've joined this online community because I feel like I need support from other stepmoms. I am almost 29 and I married  an amazing man that is 17 years my senior. We have a great relationship and even though there is such an age difference, you would never know it. I need help because his exwife is still very much in the picture because they have 3 children together. There are also upcoming legal battles because she is less than responsible and fails to take anything seriously. On top of all that, my three step chidren are really great kids! Truely! Sometimes, however, I feel like their behaviors should be improving as they grow and they are just getting worse. The two youngest can be very disrespectful and unkind to one another and other members of our family. The oldest has basically raised the two youngest (when they are with their mother) because, like I said, she is irresponsible and living the "single life." The girls are in counceling and the boy will be once school starts again. My husband and I are also in counceling so that we can work through all the crazy with his exwife. I just need some help. I feel like I'm the only one out there with these struggles, though I'm certain that's not true. Can anyone give me a few guiding words or some encouragement about the situation?

Thanks, 

YikesBikes!

by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 11:44 AM
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Replies (1-8):
momof2cuteboys
by Silver Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 11:54 AM

Well welcome.  What are your issues? What are the ages of the 3 sk's?

YikesBikes
by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:17 PM

Thank you for the welcome! The kids are 17, 12 and 9. You know, it's not all the time that we see the behaviors, it's when they are getting ready to go back to mom or if they have been with mom for more than 5 days. My husband is a firefighter so his schedule is crazy so we don't have them on an every other weekend schedule or anything. I guess my issue here is that I wish their mom took care of them and cherished them and gave them the tools they needed to be successful in life. All she is worried about is receiving child support from my husband and going out with her boyfriend. Our poor 17 year old is the mom when they are with her and then when they are here she gets to be a kid again. I just want normalcy for them and some structure when they are not with us and it's just not going to happen...

amonkeymom
by Amy on Jul. 28, 2013 at 1:43 PM

Welcome to the group!

Tpayne2011
by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 2:03 PM
Welcome!
SMInProgress
by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 4:48 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome! I know a lot of firefighter wives & 2nd wives & I know it's all on them when their DH is at the ladder house.  But they're equally as strong as their husbands.  Hang in there :) 

runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 6:47 PM
2 moms liked this

Hello! I completely understand about wishing their mom would provide them some consistency when they're with her, and it sounds like you feel they're not with you and your husband enough to compensate for what she doesn't provide.

But since you don't have much control over what she does at her house, I would just focus on what you can do when you have them, in terms of providing structure, normalcy, and consistency. It would be ideal if they could have it at both houses, but it's fortunate that at least they'll get it with you and your husband. Maybe if they begin to feel secure in that in your home, the disruptive behaviors will lessen. 

soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 7:50 PM
1 mom liked this

Let go of feeling she isn't the type of mother you think you should be. You don't get to decide that. Once you let go of that you will feel a lot better. Focus on your home. The kids are "sometimes" disrespectful and mean to each other but otherwise good kids. I am going to guess you don't have kids of your own and you certainly don't have a lot of experiance with pre-teens. They are sometimes disrespectful and if they are only sometimes mean to each other well you are doing pretty good.

spicy0425
by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 8:09 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome. One thing I have to say is you can't have expectation for anybody else but yourself.  It's up to the BM to take care of her kids,cherish them and give them the tools they need to be successful in life. You can't expect her to do that.  If the custody agreement is your husband to pay BM child support, then it is within her right to expect it and within her right to go out with her boyfriend.  I think you have good intention in wanting normalcy for your step kids, but you expect something that not within your right and your place to do. You simply just put a burden on yourself unnecessarily.  This is what you can do if you want to help, be kind and be nice to your step kids, don't expect anything in return, don't say bad things about the BM in front of them, be there for the step kids when they need a shoulder to lean on.


Quoting YikesBikes:

Thank you for the welcome! The kids are 17, 12 and 9. You know, it's not all the time that we see the behaviors, it's when they are getting ready to go back to mom or if they have been with mom for more than 5 days. My husband is a firefighter so his schedule is crazy so we don't have them on an every other weekend schedule or anything. I guess my issue here is that I wish their mom took care of them and cherished them and gave them the tools they needed to be successful in life. All she is worried about is receiving child support from my husband and going out with her boyfriend. Our poor 17 year old is the mom when they are with her and then when they are here she gets to be a kid again. I just want normalcy for them and some structure when they are not with us and it's just not going to happen...



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