I realize I am not a stepmother so I should not be posting to this group however I feel you ladies will be the best group to my question. To give you some history, my son's father and I never had a "real" relationship. Things did not end on a good note. However, that was years ago and both of us are moving on as best we can. My ex dated a lot of women over the years and although I did not like the revolving door of women, he finally settled with a woman who is pretty good. I am still perplexed they married after only knowing each other six weeks but that is their life not mine. But it does scare me a little because as most people can concur you don't really know someone after that short period of time. Please understand there is no love lost here. I am just afraid that this woman who is pretty nice will leave soon and my son would have to try to understand why. He is 6.
But they did get married and just recently had their second child after 16 months of being together. So even if the marriage does not work, those two children are blood related to my son. My question is how should I form a bond with this woman? I want her to love my son like he is an equal part of their family. I have read a lot posts here that made me feel so much more at ease. It is comforting to read other stepmothers caring so much for their stepchildren. At the same time, I have read a few posts that said how they could not form a real attachment to a child that is not theirs. And even though those posts were very few, it definitely raised some anxiety.
Yes, my ex and i will still fight over dumb things like child support and living far away from each other. But I want to have some sort of bond with the woman who cares for my child when I am not there. My ex will go to work even though he is not supposed to on visiting weekends so my son is in the complete care of his stepmother. And I need to know that if something happens she will not put his life second because she did not give birth to him. We talk and text. I'm trying because I don't want her to not love him because we don't get along. But I'm still apprehensive. To be honest, I trust him with her more than I trust him with his father.
I guess I am asking: what questions are allowed to be asked and what are not, am I allowed to critique her parenting style, and I allowed to state my parenting style and expect her to follow it with my son? And I allowed to ask about the actions of my ex? At the same time I don't think I should have to ask permission. I am a great mother, she always says that she respects how I raise my child and not one of those mothers who feel the need to have a personal life more important than being there for my child. At the same time I am 34 and would like to also move on with my adult life. I want to date and get married and have more kids.
She realizes my concerns, she understands that my ex behaved not good for a lot of years. But she insists that he grew up and feels badly for his past actions and truly wants to be the father he should have been. And I am willing to go along with that. I am smart enough to know that I need to have a relationship with her. For those of you who are stepmoms and have an amicable relationship with your stepchild's birth mother, how did you make it work?