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Posted by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 10:34 AM
  • 27 Replies
My sd8 came home from 8 week summer stay with her mom. DH has been the c.p. since their divorce and we have been married since Nov. He does not receive any c.s. Her mom bought her lots of new clothes, her school supplies, and new shoes. DH was happy since this is a first. But SD told us how mom said she didn't like her mismatched clothes and messy hair. Now I feel terrible that she feels this way. Is she only saying hurtful things out of her own guilt? I feel that dh and I take good care of their daughter.
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 10:34 AM
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 10:37 AM
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I don't like it when my kids have messy hair or mismatched clothes either. I don't see anything wrong with what her mother said to her. She wants her to comb her hair and match her clothes. This is how girls learn grooming. 

malinda74
by Bronze Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 10:43 AM
Except she already has nice clothes and knows how to comb her hair. I do let her pick out her own clothes..she has her own style but we don't let her run around looking unkempt.


Quoting whatIknownow:

I don't like it when my kids have messy hair or mismatched clothes either. I don't see anything wrong with what her mother said to her. She wants her to comb her hair and match her clothes. This is how girls learn grooming. 


PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 10:58 AM
1 mom liked this
I wouldn't assume it's out of guilt. Maybe she really doesn't like your taste in clothes. It's not a big deal. I hated my DD's exSM's taste in clothes.... It didn't mean anything negative about how she cared for DD on their weekends, just that we don't have the same taste.

And kids get their hair snarly, ESP girls. From now on run a brush through SD's hair before sending her with her mom and she won't have anything to complain about.

Tpayne2011
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 11:06 AM
I don't know if its out of guilt but Bm always complains that sd's hair is greasy and always has a problem with something with her appearance.
lnr187
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 11:12 AM
1 mom liked this

different people have different oppinions of what looks nice. i wouldn't worry about it. sd got to have a shopping trip with bm and now she has some new clothes for school. if bm was really that concerned, she'd talk to dad.

malinda74
by Bronze Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 11:13 AM
This is a good point. I think it just made me feel sad because I'm still trying to find my place as a stepmom and I thought her mom and I were building a decent relationship. It just took me by surprise. I offer to help her with her hair but she usually turns me down and I don't push it. I just tell her to brush it.
KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 11:22 AM

I think you are reading WAY too much into this comment.  Kids sometimes have messy hair and mismatched clothes despite the best parent's efforts to keep them looking nice.  It wasn't a comment about your parenting at all.  You can't let things like this affect you or you're in for a long, hard road of stepparenting. 

Happily Married | BM to DD14  DD14  DD12 | Mom to DS7 & DS4 | CP | Not a SM

malinda74
by Bronze Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 11:43 AM
Thank you....you are probably right and I just needed to hear it. Its been difficult finding my way. How do you let it all run off your back? Do you just ignore? Her and DH don't have the greatest relationship post divorce. I don't want to make things worse.


Quoting KnowItAll:

I think you are reading WAY too much into this comment.  Kids sometimes have messy hair and mismatched clothes despite the best parent's efforts to keep them looking nice.  It wasn't a comment about your parenting at all.  You can't let things like this affect you or you're in for a long, hard road of stepparenting. 


whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 11:52 AM


I guess I don't understand what this has to do with your relationship with your SD's mother. The comment was made to her daughter, not to you. It doesnt' have anything to do with you.

Also, you heard this from your SD8, so who knows what her mom really said to her.

I would just let it go.

Quoting malinda74:

This is a good point. I think it just made me feel sad because I'm still trying to find my place as a stepmom and I thought her mom and I were building a decent relationship. It just took me by surprise. I offer to help her with her hair but she usually turns me down and I don't push it. I just tell her to brush it.



Derdriu
by Gold Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 11:56 AM

And I think it's normal as a SM to take something of a backseat there and not nitpick.  Mom's can be a lot pushier with their kids.  I can promise you her ideals about her daughter's appearance aren't about you.  She may have expectations about you enforcing her ideals - assuming you even know what they are - but what she wants for her daughter is about herself and her daughter.

BM and I have different tastes as well.  DH and I both are of the "brush your hair or I'll do it for you" mentality, but I wouldn't have gone there as a new SM.  BM doesn't like the texture of SD's hair though, so it's not an issue of neatness.  I think SD looks beautiful whether she lets her hair fall in natural curls or straightens it.  BM claims curls look greasy and will not be seen with SD unless her hair is perfectly straight.  Well, DH has curly hair, and BM has straight hair.  And SD looks like DH, which has always chaffed BM.  The way I figure it, she likes having SD resemble herself a bit more, which is achieved when their hair matches.  I could be wrong.  I think the whole thing is silly.  But BM is insecure as NCP, and if this makes her happy and helps cover that wound, it hardly hurts SD to spend a few extra minutes blowing her hair dry and then straigtening it before she goes for the weekend visit.


Quoting malinda74:

This is a good point. I think it just made me feel sad because I'm still trying to find my place as a stepmom and I thought her mom and I were building a decent relationship. It just took me by surprise. I offer to help her with her hair but she usually turns me down and I don't push it. I just tell her to brush it.


 

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