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6 yr old SS in my bed

Posted by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 10:29 AM
  • 24 Replies

 

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Question: Okay for SKids to sleep in your/BP's bed?

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No problem!

No way!


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Total Votes: 26

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I married my awesome DH almost 2 months ago.  We dated for 2 years and I've always gotten along well with his son.  H has never been married, was engaged to SS's mom until she flaked out after becoming pregnant with SS.  They have shared parenting and seem to get along well.  We have SS every other week, and the schedule is firmly set, which is good.  No bio-kids for me (ever, since hyst 2 yrs ago).

DH has always allowed SS to sleep with him.  Actually, they would both fall asleep in front of the TV and DH would wake at some point and just carry SS up to bed with him.

This isn't okay with me.  We discussed it several times before the wedding and I made a big deal about fixing up SS's room with new bunk bed mattresses and Spider Man bedding.  H agreed that SS would be put in his own bed, but if he was scared, he would likely want to come in to bed with his dad.  I said that was fine, but figured it'd be rare.

It worked okay the first week after the wedding, with SS waking and coming in and getting in beside DH sometime in the wee hours a couple of times.  Since then, DH has either brought him in to our bed (because he was not dozing off in our living room and it was getting late) or SS has said he felt afraid, so DH let him get in our bed instead of laying him down in his own.

DH and I are not small people (6'3" and 325, 5'10" and 180) and have a queen size bed.  When SS is in it, he sprawls out, tangles in the sheets, ends up in the middle, and sleeps late (H and I go to work and IL's watch SS). 

So I feel far away from my husband, chilly/uncovered, stuck on the edge of the bed, stiff and sore from staying in one place/position, and not comfortable staying in bed when H gets up.  Fortunately, I get good sleep and feel closer during the weeks SS is with his BM.

My mom, who is my best supporter and good friend, says I need to "just tell DH that SS must sleep in his own bed."  I have told him that I don't sleep well with SS in the bed and that I need to be next to DH, so SS should be on the far side with H in the middle, if he must be in our bed. 

I don't think he understands and I don't want to sound like a brat or like I don't love SS or want to drive a wedge between them.  I'm just afraid SS will be 18 and still hanging out in my bed.

What have you done? 

 

by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 10:29 AM
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Replies (1-10):
KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 10:37 AM
2 moms liked this
Well, the truth is, SS won't be 18 and still sleeping in your bed. That I can say for sure.

I'm sure it must be really hard to get a good night's sleep with him there. But I also feel it might be important to your dh to allow it. Can you compromise? You have the rest of your life to sleep next to this man. SS will only be little for such a short time. This arrangement is very temporary. It just feels permanent to you right now.
DDDaysh
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 10:45 AM
3 moms liked this

 Tell your DH to go sleep with SS in HIS bed.  That's one way to slowly ween SS from your bed. 

 

aeELE
by Bronze Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 11:08 AM
I know a young man who slept in his Dad's bed well into HS.
Technically, it was his parents' bed, but mom gave up w that when kid was grammar school age and started sleeping in kid's bed. So you never know...

I never understood it; my parents' bed was sacrosanct throughout my childhood.

With SS (3), he's allowed in our bed when he's sick or if he wakes up between 5a & 6a (ain't nobody got time for that).


Quoting KnowItAll:

Well, the truth is, SS won't be 18 and still sleeping in your bed. That I can say for sure.



I'm sure it must be really hard to get a good night's sleep with him there. But I also feel it might be important to your dh to allow it. Can you compromise? You have the rest of your life to sleep next to this man. SS will only be little for such a short time. This arrangement is very temporary. It just feels permanent to you right now.

CourtneyPruitt
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 11:23 AM

This is my pet peeve!! Not having kids of my own I cannot sleep when my bf's kids come in and sleep. I nipped it in the butt the 1st month I started sleeping over, complained how I didnt get much sleep and made myself unproductive the days his 4yr old daughter slept with us in his bed. Now when the kids come in his room, he will get up with them and let me sleep. Love the kids but get irratated when they come into the bed with us.

ChelseNichole
by Chelse on Jul. 30, 2013 at 11:24 AM

My SS is 5... we dont allow it. It's more SO's rule than mine. He said they allowed SS14 to sleep with him and BM when he was young and it was hard to break so he says ABSOLUTELY not. I will say though...if SS5 is sick...that is the only exception we make. Only because he is up all night long off and on...and when he wakes in the middle of the night he always wakes me up...not Daddy. So for my sanity... after the the 5th or 6th time of getting up and going into his room with him...I just let him come in our bed. I have to work in the AM...and it's just the best senario for both SS and I. Now...Im sure some people will say why isnt dad getting up with his kid instead of you blah blah blah...truth is...SO doesnt hear ANYTHING when he's asleep...me on the other hand...if the kids breathe loudly I wake up to check on them etc. (exagerated of course). But if there are times when I hear SS5 calling for me and I'll nudge SO to go instead. But even then, I can hear SS5 saying he wants me...so I just go. We do make sure that we are very clear in telling him that he was ONLY allowed to sleep with us because he was SICK...so that he doesnt think it's allowed all the time. If he come into your room 100 times a night you just have to walk him back into his room and put him back in bed. Dont give in! Good Luck!!

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 11:29 AM
An opposite sex, non-parent sleeping with a child is a recipe for disaster. The child can allege ANYTHING happened while his patent slept.

There is nothing appropriate about this. Bad for the child, bad for the marriage, bad for the step-parent. DH can go sleep in SS's room until he falls asleep, then return to his bed and his wife. He can walk SS back to his bed if he has a bad dream.
SMInProgress
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Well I know when I was a new wife, I really wanted to establish our recently married roles & eager to make it all work.  And at the beginning I was so happy that our custody share was 50/50 &  not everyday.  But now we're the CP & so happy we addressed issues when skid was younger & we were just the NCPs.  Maybe you can just let skid & DH slowly wean off each other as it must be hard on the little tyke also getting used to a new SM.  Then after a good while & if continues, I'd really put my foot down & help DH find a better weaning off process.  Though I have grown daughter of my own, I wasn't prepared just how much stepchildren require just a little more attention to avoid resentment.  It seems as though your DH & your BM get along fine since you say it works. Which is a great start & offers a lot of maturity there especially on BM's part. I say you're luckier than most of us :)  Good luck!


Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 12:32 PM
1 mom liked this

If it works no problem, but it's not working for you. You'll have to get on the same page.

You can start with a camp matress on the floor of your bedroom and slowly move it out.

But I can't say much because YSD won't sleep in her bed and we've given up because it's a battle that isn't worth it to us.  If I wake up and can't move because she's in our bed, then I move her to the floor.  I decided that I do much better without good sleep than I do when she doesn't have good sleep.

smomjenn
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 12:40 PM

Thank you to each one of you who has responded- on both sides of the issue!  It helps to know that my feelings are not unusual or inappropriate.

I am very blessed to not have alot of drama from BM!  I pray for those who do.  So blessed in many ways, SS never knew his parents as a couple, so I am not "replacing" his mom.  And his mom has had boyfriends, so he is used to a parent having a relationship.

My parents' bed was also sacrosanct, so if we were afraid, we had to bring a blanket in and sleep on their floor.  I got SS a cool sleeping bag, but he says Mommy got him a better one.  No argument from me, since I want him to believe Mommy's great.

Had not voiced it, but I agree with the poster who said the opposite sex SK in bed is a recipe for trouble.  It makes me feel uncomfortable and I can only imagine how BM could react, if SS said "I'm sleeping with Daddy and SM!"  If I was a BM, I'd be unhappy, I think.

DH offered to go sleep with SS on the couch, if he's scared.  But that was upsetting, as Ex-H used to sleep on the couch as part of his emotional abuse tactics.

SS is only little once and I agree that he and his dad should be as close as they can be.  It's just hard to get used to feeling like I will always come in 2nd or 3rd (living with in-laws) place, and not to be sad about that. 

SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 12:50 PM

Let him sleep in the floor. ODD7 used to come sleep with us when she had bad dreams...until she was about 5 and too big to sleep with us in our bed. Now, if she wants to sleep in our room, she brings a pillow and blanket and lays next to my side on the floor.

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