• In the Spotlight:
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Seeing more csm? Why are so many BM losing or not wanting custody?

Posted by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 8:06 AM
  • 32 Replies
I see and know more and more dads that have full custody and BM's who only get eowe...anyone else see this as a new pattern and think it is...odd? I am both csm and bm and have no idea how any mom would take less than 50 percent custody. Bm in my situation has an attachment and personality disorder but Hoping she is not the new norm...Looking to understand. Please help!
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 8:06 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 8:15 AM

You are seeing "more and more" since when? what time periods are you comparing?

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 8:20 AM
5 moms liked this

Since my last post where people felt the need to explain why DH was with BM to begin with ended up being very telling. It seemed like 90% of the replies stated that they were teens when they conceived the child. That CANT be good.

I also think because this is a SM forum, its mostly SM's who are dealing withe skids on a more constant level need to seek out advice. EOWE SM's have problems too but no where near the challenges a CSM would.

zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 8:22 AM
Growing up and through college I only knew one person who grew up with their dad - mom was a drug addict. I became a csm 3 years ago and over the past year I see and hear more and more dads getting full custody. As a bm now myself I have no idea how you would want anything less than 50 percent custody. I just don't get it. I raise my skids an I can tell you bm misses SO much of their lives... Looking to inderstand


Quoting whatIknownow:

You are seeing "more and more" since when? what time periods are you comparing?


DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 8:28 AM

 I was a CSM with my ex.  In our situation it was a combination of things, including being teen parents, BM having a drug problem, BM's own mother having a taste for men who liked little girls, etc.  A huge mess. 

And while I would say that alot of the time when Dad has primary custody you have some of those same issues, or other mental health issues, it isn't always the case.  (Besides, alot of time when Mom has custody, Dad has those same issues.) 

I know a small number of people where Dad is CP simply because he is the more suitable CP.  In a couple, Mom was always the more career driven parent.  In a few others, Dad was simply more mature and Mom wanted more freedom.  (Which, oddly, we seem to seriously condemn in mothers and don't see as at all unusual in non-custodial fathers.) 

And I think this trend will continue.  Courts aren't nearly as biassed anymore as people make them out to be.  As more and more fathers become equal participants (or even primary participants) in child raising DURING the marriage, more and more of them will be CP after the marriage. 

Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 8:29 AM
3 moms liked this

I think what's happening is judge's are becoming more open to the idea of a father parenting.  Therefore they are more likely to grant a 50/50 custody arrangement or place the child with the BF when it is in their best interest.  In the past, BM was pretty much viewed as an untouchable that could do no wrong. 

GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 8:29 AM
6 moms liked this
You won't understand. You are a normal mother with a normal need to be with her kids.
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 8:31 AM
2 moms liked this
I think there is more attention given to father's rights now days, which would be a contributing factor toward more CBDs.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
ChelseNichole
by Silver Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 8:45 AM
1 mom liked this

My Dad was the CP of my brother and I...and that was YEARS ago... I'm going to be 26 soon. My Mom had drug and alcohol issues and was never around. She failed the drug evaluation and then didn't even show up to the court hearing after that to get visitation or any of that. I have a hard time understanding how a mother can put things above their children and not want to spend all their time with them. and I think it stems from my own Mom...she so easily did that to my brother and I...and it's something that still baffles me.

ChelseNichole
by Silver Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 8:54 AM
1 mom liked this

I think you are exactly right. I think a lot of it has to do with becoming a parent very young. I used to babysit for my best friends older sister. She had her first child at 16...then second a year later...and the 3rd one a few years after that. (she has since at 2 more - but when i babysat it was just the three). She was in her 20's at the time I was babysitting. I would babysit overnight... ALL the time. She was cheating on her then husband and her kids would ball their eyes out crying everytime she left. She got a divorce and married the guy she was cheating with...had two more kids.... she BARELY takes care of her kids and CPS has been involved numerous times...and she's on her 2nd divorce. Although I dont think this is an excuse because there are options... I think when you become a parent as a teenager you miss out on the years of going out, partying, dating, etc. and eventually you want to do those things at whatever cost...even if it means sacrificing your kids. I think that's exactly what happened with SO's exwife. They were 15(her) and 16 when they had SS14....and she was 21 when she had SS5... She had ONLY ever been with my SO... she was taking care of baby when she was one herself...and missed out on alot. And I think that's why she cheated and that's why she does what she does now. I can't be certain but that's just my theory for those situations.

My Mom was 20 when she had me...and my brother came along 20 months later. I'm guessing she didnt have much time to "party" have two kids under 2. That's no excuse...she chose to be a Mom...but I think it does have a lot to do with things.

Quoting baparrot2:

Since my last post where people felt the need to explain why DH was with BM to begin with ended up being very telling. It seemed like 90% of the replies stated that they were teens when they conceived the child. That CANT be good.

I also think because this is a SM forum, its mostly SM's who are dealing withe skids on a more constant level need to seek out advice. EOWE SM's have problems too but no where near the challenges a CSM would.


Jane2112
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 8:55 AM
3 moms liked this

I grew up with my father.  His friend also had custody of his kids.  It seems to me, when the mom is the one that walks out, and leaves the kids with Dad, this is the case.

I do think, that Dad's have it rough, and should be allowed to have their chance at having the kid live with them, even if mom kicked them out, etc.  

Now my mom regrets never taking us with her, but at the time, she didn't have a place to go, and she was leaving my dad.  She was however, not the most stable person in the world, and even at seven I knew that my dad took care of us more than she did.  

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)