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Addict BM, not the normal situation

Posted by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:46 PM
  • 4 Replies

Hi! I'm new to this but here's my story...  I'm looking for advice and encouragement

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 1/2 yrs.  I recently moved in, in May, but had been here 5 out of 7 nights a week for the last 6 months.  He has sole custody of DD8 and DS6 (in Aug).  They see BM when he feels she's well enough for the kids.  Even then, they are supervised only by him and only last an hour or so.  She calls the nights she's not high (I'm guessing) and they talk to her for only about 5-10 mins.  He has the right, according to their divorce, to never let her see them again until she fights for it in court.

--me..... 31 yrs old, no children of my own.  He knows I want one of my own. It was one of our first discussions.

--my boyfriend..... he owns his own business and a house.  Super loving, caring and thankful towards me and the kids.  I think he's either oblivious to some things that go on or he just doesn't pay attention.  Now i know you can't always pay attention, that would ware you out.  But the consistency issue is what I have a problem with.  There's not much.  Now, there's a couple tiny things I've changed since I moved in.  Like, keeping their mouth shut while eating, sitting at the table, not standing to eat.  I even have the 8 yr old telling dad to keep his mouth shut.  One day he said, "See what you started?!" jokingly.  I said, "Good!!" hehe.  Any time I take charge (which isn't often if he's in the room), he supports me and backs me up.  I'm super grateful for that!

-- BM.... she's a heroin addict.  since January she's been in jail for 2 months and the hospital for 2 months.  In the hospital she found out she needs a new heart (33yrs old) and was told if she keeps using she will die.  Her mother did a similar thing when BM was 18 yrs old.  Apparently she left last night to move to Michigan (I'm in FL).  Which is a huge deal now!  It's wonderful!  Then the kids don't have to see her and she can't try to manipulate them.  Should the court system know she's moved out of state, even if she has no rights to the kids?  She's not a terrible person, just has been doing terrible things.  She keeps things positive when she talks to the kids, even if they bring me up in the convo. (BTW, she and I have never met)  In my eyes, she doesn't care about the kids of even my bf.  She wants the lifestyle we have.  She manipulates him, most of the time he doesn't fall for it, but there's an occasion every now and again that he gets tricked.  I think I've helped him open his eyes a wee-bit more on what she's doing and possibly thinking.

--his DD.......  She's a very smart girl, sweet and a typical pre-puberty 8 yr old.  I worked very hard at the beginning to make sure I didn't over-indulge her with me "the adult".  I let her come to me for things when she was ready.  So instead of "Hey dad look!", it's, "Hey Liz look!!"  I've come a long way with her and her respect toward me as an adult to respect but also as a friend.  She's very confused why she can't see BM more often.  I found in the recent past, if she sees mom, she has a hard time being nice to me after for the rest of the day, the next day is fine again.  Although, IF BM left like she said, then I don't have to deal with that too much of that much more.  When she doesn't see BM for a long period of time, she and I have a great connection.  BM started using after DS was born, so DD had 3 yrs of sober BM to herself.... like attached at the hip.

--his DS.......   He can be sensitive. Everything anyone tells him to do (including dad) he has something to say back and/or he lies.  He doesn't listen at all until you raise your voice to him.  I've come to the conclusion that he has never had any guidance on how to be a person.  BM was too high to care and dad worked all the time to support the family he had.  So now he's going to be 6 next month. He has a problem peeing at night, even after no drinks after 7p, and sometimes during the day.  I've connected it to when he sees BM.  The reason is because he was sick for 4 days and never once peed himself.  The night and next day after he sees BM is when he does this.  My bf disagrees that's the problem.  I've done some research and I think he has ODD, which just needs to be dealt with differently then sending him to his room and spanking him.  Because it's obviously not working.  I'm afraid that he's going to grow up and be the kid that's always suspended or something.

This is the point in the relationshipwhere I need to decide if I want to keep up with this situation or need to move on but I need to address it to my bf in a way where he doesn't get scared and gives up anyway because he's thinking I'm giving up.  Which I'm not, just need him to listen and act upon what I see problems are.  I know there's only so much I'm legally and am able to do with the kids, that's why he needs to me more proactive on certain things.  Like getting DS counseling....

I guess I haven't really specified a problem, but needed to tell someone that would some-what understand what I'm going through.  I'm not great at writing so it's hard to get all the info out that I want out.

Thanks for reading!

by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 12:46 PM
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Replies (1-4):
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:32 PM
3 moms liked this

i think you can voice these concerns to dad but its up to him whether or not to take action. its normal for kids to have adjustment periods even in good step situations. and my ss5 sounds just like this 5 year old boy. im sure he does need some structure.

you cant think about edging mom out. yes, she is not ideal. but its still their mom and as long as she is not high, she should be allowed her supervised visits.

KLBrown
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:45 PM
1 mom liked this
I have 7 & 6yo's, and my XH is an addict. I will tell you that abandonment is just as difficult as having a POS parent around half-assing it.

The boy's issues sound age-appropriate to me. But I agree that you should have this conversation with boyfriend and decide if you're 'all in', sooner rather than later.
amonkeymom
by Amy on Jul. 31, 2013 at 2:53 PM

I agree.

Quoting KLBrown:

I have 7 & 6yo's, and my XH is an addict. I will tell you that abandonment is just as difficult as having a POS parent around half-assing it.

The boy's issues sound age-appropriate to me. But I agree that you should have this conversation with boyfriend and decide if you're 'all in', sooner rather than later.


StepGF
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 2:26 PM
Bump
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