Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

If men are such morons when it comes to ...

Posted by   + Show Post

 custody, mom, the kids, CO's, etc, please explain to me why any mom should treat them as an equal parent.

 

by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 3:34 PM
Replies (31-40):
packermomof2
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 5:14 PM

 


Quoting Graceplustwo:

After re reading your respone. You are basically devaluing bf because his current wife helps with parental responsibilities? So if bm gets remarried and dh helps her with her children , is she then also not a equal parent?

Nope, what I'm saying is that if a man doesn't fight for custody, doesn't deal with mom, doesn't take more time with his kids unless there is a woman around (same can be said for women who do this) that he isn't an equal to the parent who doesn't need their hand held or someone to take care of their kids for them.

There is a difference between helping and doing for them. Or pushing them to do what you want.

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 5:17 PM
Your dh had an attorney though. How well do you think he'd have fared if he couldn't have afforded one, esp if bm had given a crap, and esp if you Lived in a state where it's easy for moms to get free legal help?


Quoting newstepmom61811:

I think there are as many idiot men as women out there...DH has a beautiful CO set up that he and his attorney did just fine on...I've read it so I know what DHs rights, responsibilities, and schedule is for my own sake...BM has never even read her own divorce decree/CO, DH has to remind her all the time what's in it...she starts screaming about what her rights are and he has to refer her back to what the court did indeed take away and why he is making certain decisions or telling her no to something...he reminds her to read it so she understands...she never has...no gender has a monopoly on idiocy.


soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 5:23 PM

When I filed for CS for my DS with ex...I was handed standard forms. I got no help I wasn't pointed to anything I was told here fill this out and turn it back in.

When BIL filed for cs when for his son with his ex-gf....he was handed standard form. He got no help he wasn't pointed to anything he was told to fill this out and turn it back in.

When I tried to ask about visitation I was told get a lawyer

When he asked about visitation he was told get a lawyer.

This was in Idaho which I'm told is a mothers state, yet we were treated exactly the same. I paid a lot for my attorney to fight for my kid. He paid a lot for his attorney to fight for him kid.

packermomof2
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 5:27 PM

 


Quoting soonergirl980:

When I filed for CS for my DS with ex...I was handed standard forms. I got no help I wasn't pointed to anything I was told here fill this out and turn it back in.

When BIL filed for cs when for his son with his ex-gf....he was handed standard form. He got no help he wasn't pointed to anything he was told to fill this out and turn it back in.

When I tried to ask about visitation I was told get a lawyer

When he asked about visitation he was told get a lawyer.

This was in Idaho which I'm told is a mothers state, yet we were treated exactly the same. I paid a lot for my attorney to fight for my kid. He paid a lot for his attorney to fight for him kid.

This is where my case was.  I had to fight for my kids.  I have a friend whose (now ex) husband hit her kid, left a handprint on the child, CPS called and everything on it and they had 50/50 given to them. He was also in rehab.  I have a famiy member, male, who also has 50/50 with drug charges and a jail time on his record.

Idaho is not a mother's state... it is a parent state.  I got what I did because my ex dug himself into a hole he couldn't climb out of... not because I a vagina and boobs.

 

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 5:27 PM

Would he have won CP status if BM didn't abuse drug and alcohol? My husband didn't want to be CP, he actually believed BM was a good Mom and he didn't believe her financial situation was a reason to fight for custody and he had the resources to really destroy her in a custody battle but he didn't think that was a reason for him to be CP.

Quoting Derdriu:

There's still the widespread belief the courts are pro-BM and dads don't stand a snowball's chance in hell.  While I think courts do operate pro-BM, I think they're a lot more fair toward BDs than they used to be.  One of the radio stations I listen to runs a legal ad directly addressing that bias and father's rights. 

When my DH and BM divorced, her attorney steamrolled him.  He then watched a close friend get completely shut out (no testimony, no witnesses, etc.) while the ex got special attention, had her friends testify, etc.  Not an experience that lends itself to any hope.  However, the woman he dated before he met me was a paralegal for a family law attorney, so she saw that type of nonsense every single day.  And while he looked at the situation as hopeless, she looked at it as he simply had a lazy and incompetent attorney.  She didn't want to be a SM, which is why they broke up, but she did help him get the ball rolling for custody.  The attorney who helped him the second time around (and won) was in complete disbelief that anyone in their right mind had given BM custody with her drug and alcohol abuse, whereas the first attorney had convinced him a standard NCP arrangement was the best he could hope for.  Incidentally, the friend who hadn't even been allowed to speak in his own defense watched all this, hired himself new counsel, and has since also become CP.  So I don't think one can underestimate the power in the message still given to men that they're only option is to be an EOWE dad who pays CS.  DH still runs into divorced dads with kids in bad situations who want to know how on earth he managed to become CP.


Quoting leegirl_jm:

This is a fact, many men refuse to fight because they 'know' they can't win. I think it is unfortunate that people have to battle for access to their children with their child's other parent. I think many men just don't want to engage in that.




Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

newstepmom61811
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 5:37 PM
Yup, didn't have a dime...set up a payment plan with a attorney willing to work with him...it was by NO means handed to him...fought like hell for two years against a BM who did not want the outcome that happened, with an attorney he really couldn't afford but that WOULD accept a payment plan...there is no free legal help for BMs here although it is a very mom friendly state...he FOUGHT!


Quoting luckystars2012:Your dh had an attorney though. How well do you think he'd have fared if he couldn't have afforded one, esp if bm had given a crap, and esp if you Lived in a state where it's easy for moms to get free legal help?


Quoting newstepmom61811:I think there are as many idiot men as women out there...DH has a beautiful CO set up that he and his attorney did just fine on...I've read it so I know what DHs rights, responsibilities, and schedule is for my own sake...BM has never even read her own divorce decree/CO, DH has to remind her all the time what's in it...she starts screaming about what her rights are and he has to refer her back to what the court did indeed take away and why he is making certain decisions or telling her no to something...he reminds her to read it so she understands...she never has...no gender has a monopoly on idiocy.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 5:43 PM

No.  Texas doesn't do 50/50 splits unless pre-arranged between exes; they declare a CP and non-CP as standard.  He would have gotten EOWE, rotating holidays, and extended summer in absence of any indication that BM was unfit to be CP.  I'm only aware of one instance where BD became CP and BM was fit, and it was very a much a "who you know" arrangement.  That BM also ended up regaining custody with a hefty amount of evidence that BD was an abusive SOB.  Generally speaking, if BM is fit to parent and wants her kids, she'll get them. 

The fact that BM was abusing drugs and alcohol only served to further discourage my DH.  His friend was dealing with the same thing under even worse circumstances.  There's no reason for the court to disregard a clean dad while BM is living binge to binge and partying her ass off.  And when there is evidence of that and she still gets the kids, it only enforces the message that dads can't win.


Quoting leegirl_jm:

Would he have won CP status if BM didn't abuse drug and alcohol? My husband didn't want to be CP, he actually believed BM was a good Mom and he didn't believe her financial situation was a reason to fight for custody and he had the resources to really destroy her in a custody battle but he didn't think that was a reason for him to be CP.

Quoting Derdriu:

There's still the widespread belief the courts are pro-BM and dads don't stand a snowball's chance in hell.  While I think courts do operate pro-BM, I think they're a lot more fair toward BDs than they used to be.  One of the radio stations I listen to runs a legal ad directly addressing that bias and father's rights. 

When my DH and BM divorced, her attorney steamrolled him.  He then watched a close friend get completely shut out (no testimony, no witnesses, etc.) while the ex got special attention, had her friends testify, etc.  Not an experience that lends itself to any hope.  However, the woman he dated before he met me was a paralegal for a family law attorney, so she saw that type of nonsense every single day.  And while he looked at the situation as hopeless, she looked at it as he simply had a lazy and incompetent attorney.  She didn't want to be a SM, which is why they broke up, but she did help him get the ball rolling for custody.  The attorney who helped him the second time around (and won) was in complete disbelief that anyone in their right mind had given BM custody with her drug and alcohol abuse, whereas the first attorney had convinced him a standard NCP arrangement was the best he could hope for.  Incidentally, the friend who hadn't even been allowed to speak in his own defense watched all this, hired himself new counsel, and has since also become CP.  So I don't think one can underestimate the power in the message still given to men that they're only option is to be an EOWE dad who pays CS.  DH still runs into divorced dads with kids in bad situations who want to know how on earth he managed to become CP. 

luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 5:48 PM
That's my point though. He was able to get a lawyer, one way or another.

How do you think your dh would hve fared if he wasn'table to somehow get a lawyer, and had to navigate the legal system on his own, as many dads have to try to do?


Quoting newstepmom61811:

Yup, didn't have a dime...set up a payment plan with a attorney willing to work with him...it was by NO means handed to him...fought like hell for two years against a BM who did not want the outcome that happened, with an attorney he really couldn't afford but that WOULD accept a payment plan...there is no free legal help for BMs here although it is a very mom friendly state...he FOUGHT!





Quoting luckystars2012:Your dh had an attorney though. How well do you think he'd have fared if he couldn't have afforded one, esp if bm had given a crap, and esp if you Lived in a state where it's easy for moms to get free legal help?





Quoting newstepmom61811:I think there are as many idiot men as women out there...DH has a beautiful CO set up that he and his attorney did just fine on...I've read it so I know what DHs rights, responsibilities, and schedule is for my own sake...BM has never even read her own divorce decree/CO, DH has to remind her all the time what's in it...she starts screaming about what her rights are and he has to refer her back to what the court did indeed take away and why he is making certain decisions or telling her no to something...he reminds her to read it so she understands...she never has...no gender has a monopoly on idiocy.




ROBIN-C
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:19 PM
1 mom liked this

That's not the case in my situation..... But I would say because a dad doesn't have to be smart when it comes to all those things to love his kids and be a good dad to them in person. Now that said being smarter in those other categories DOES make things much easier, but it doesn't mean he loves his kids any less or isn't a good dad if he isn't smart in those other areas.

twinklebites
by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:50 PM

Funny I read alot about BF on here that didnt fight or dont know their custody agreement, I know lots of BF that are NCP or NCP they all know the agreements and have fought or come to an agreement Why is it that DH/SO/BF on here choose to be clueless? I was taken abck that BF didnt read ours he leterally asked where to sign and handed it back!

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)