Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

If men are such morons when it comes to ...

Posted by   + Show Post

 custody, mom, the kids, CO's, etc, please explain to me why any mom should treat them as an equal parent.

 

by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 3:34 PM
Replies (51-60):
newstepmom61811
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 9:58 PM
He did''t see that as an option, he took the fight for his kids seriously. So he hinted for an attorney who took his fight seriously...any man can do that with time and effort if they want to...but it takes time and effort...he was not the kind of man to sit back and say "poor little me, the system works against me", he knew it did, so he prepared that he had to fight harder than BM, and he did.


Quoting luckystars2012:


So you agree that navigating the court system himself was not an option, he would not have been able to do it without a lawyer doing the legwork?



Quoting newstepmom61811:

Wasn't an option, DH would have kept hunting...that's what fighting is about...





Quoting luckystars2012:

Thats not what I asked.  How do you think he would have fared if he had had no way to get a lawyer and had to navigate the entire court system alone?


Not every father can get a lawyer on payment plans.  Take away the monetary resource your husband had, and the cooperative lawyer kind enough to take payments, and how do you think he would have done?




Quoting newstepmom61811:

He didn't go that route, he fought, tooth and nail, he didn't settle, other fathers don't have to either. There are many ways to fight.








Quoting luckystars2012:

That's my point though. He was able to get a lawyer, one way or another.







How do you think your dh would hve fared if he wasn'table to somehow get a lawyer, and had to navigate the legal system on his own, as many dads have to try to do?










Quoting newstepmom61811:

Yup, didn't have a dime...set up a payment plan with a attorney willing to work with him...it was by NO means handed to him...fought like hell for two years against a BM who did not want the outcome that happened, with an attorney he really couldn't afford but that WOULD accept a payment plan...there is no free legal help for BMs here although it is a very mom friendly state...he FOUGHT!














Quoting luckystars2012:Your dh had an attorney though. How well do you think he'd have fared if he couldn't have afforded one, esp if bm had given a crap, and esp if you Lived in a state where it's easy for moms to get free legal help?














Quoting newstepmom61811:I think there are as many idiot men as women out there...DH has a beautiful CO set up that he and his attorney did just fine on...I've read it so I know what DHs rights, responsibilities, and schedule is for my own sake...BM has never even read her own divorce decree/CO, DH has to remind her all the time what's in it...she starts screaming about what her rights are and he has to refer her back to what the court did indeed take away and why he is making certain decisions or telling her no to something...he reminds her to read it so she understands...she never has...no gender has a monopoly on idiocy.

























lnr187
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 10:12 PM

 who said the men are morons?

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 10:16 PM
My ex was clueless. He had the more expensive of the two lawyers and he still didn't know what the order said. In Texas everything is equal. It's all standard and equal and no one gets screwed (if you are ordered a standard order which allows for expanded access schedule)

It took him meeting Sm to know that 'pick up from school' meant that he got to pick up his child FROM school!! It also took SM for him to realize that 'from the time school is dismissed until the time school resumes' means that he gets to have his child FROM school until school RESUMES.

I am pretty sure he never read the order.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 10:22 PM
The attorney general is geared towards helping single fathers or fathers who question paternity. They have an entire section on unwed fathers or how to 'see your children'. There is NO section what so ever for mothers. Single, divorced or otherwise. Maybe if I lived somewhere else I would buy in to the 'mom biased' court system argument but around here, men have resources available to them that women do not. There is an entire organization called Father's Rights of 'insert whatever County'. There is NO mothers rights group. My ex was able to receive legal help from fathers rights for free and later at a discounted rate. I on the other hand have spent over $50k on legal fees. Not a single group has offered to help me fight for my rights and there isn't one around here that I know of.


Quoting packermomof2:

 




Quoting luckystars2012:

There's a difference between "men being morons" and "men struggling with a court and custody system that is structurally and fundamentally biased towards women"

In most states, moms get all kids of help. Help filing for cs, establishing a custody order, etc. Men get nothing, except the words "hire a lawyer".

And then women wonder why more men don't "do what it takes, when women are able to" in most cases, women don't have to. It's done for them.

Pure anecdote here, but every single mom I know that has gone through a divorce and custody battle has had to do the legwork herself.  I fought, tooth and nail, for my kids.  I talked to various lawyers, looked up various topics I had questions about, laid it all out there, even private therapy records that had to do with my childhood and abuse (sexual and physical) so that I could have my kids.  I know other women who do the same thing.  Who does all this legwork for women?


Men are just as capable as women, they just have to want to do it.  My ex didn't fight me for custody until his mom and dad told him he had to do so.  His wife fought other battles for him, or tried, after I had custody.  He did not do most of the legwork himself.  Women did.  I was never fighthing him, it was always a woman (mom, wife).


If men don't want their kids or want to fight for their chidlren that should be on them.


 


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 10:23 PM

You are dancing around my question.  

Do you feel that your DH would have obtained the same CO if he had had to do it without an attorney? 


Quoting newstepmom61811:

He did''t see that as an option, he took the fight for his kids seriously. So he hinted for an attorney who took his fight seriously...any man can do that with time and effort if they want to...but it takes time and effort...he was not the kind of man to sit back and say "poor little me, the system works against me", he knew it did, so he prepared that he had to fight harder than BM, and he did.



Tx_stepmom
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 10:24 PM

Totally agree.  When DH was NCP, CS came up for review.  He went to CS mediation (that was a joke).  There was no mediation.  BM showed up 45 minutes late looking like she got out of bed.  The "mediator" basically told DH what he was going to pay (which he could not afford) and there would be no discussion about it.  If he had a problem, to get a lawyer.  BM sat there gleaming.  As he walked out, he told BM that he would see her in court.  She said something snarky as usual.  He got a lawyer and now DH is CP and BM is NCP paying CS to him!  

Quoting luckystars2012:


There's a difference between "men being morons" and "men struggling with a court and custody system that is structurally and fundamentally biased towards women"

In most states, moms get all kids of help. Help filing for cs, establishing a custody order, etc. Men get nothing, except the words "hire a lawyer".

And then women wonder why more men don't "do what it takes, when women are able to" in most cases, women don't have to. It's done for them.


momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 10:27 PM
I think it is unfortunate as well. I know so many men that have fought and have won. My brother was one who just gave up even after going to see three attorneys that said they could help him fight for his rights and more visitation. He gave up. It was going to cost too much or it was going to take too much time. It's so unfortunate. He has missed nearly 18 years of his daughters life because he thought the battle was too hard to fight. If he would have just tried but he didn't even open the gate. And it is no ones fault but his own. I do kind of blame my sil because she didn't really want him to fight. She didn't want to spend the money. She was very negative. 'You won't get more time; you won't be able to force her to let you see her' so he didn't really have someone supporting him. Finances were a big issue.


Quoting leegirl_jm:

This is a fact, many men refuse to fight because they 'know' they can't win. I think it is unfortunate that people have to battle for access to their children with their child's other parent. I think many men just don't want to engage in that.

There's a difference between "men being morons" and "men struggling with a court and custody system that is structurally and fundamentally biased towards women"



In most states, moms get all kids of help. Help filing for cs, establishing a custody order, etc. Men get nothing, except the words "hire a lawyer".



And then women wonder why more men don't "do what it takes, when women are able to" in most cases, women don't have to. It's done for them.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
newstepmom61811
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 10:58 PM
In Texas, in the court he had, hell no, he fought like hell and went through two attorneys...one who took some of his money and really committed legal malpractice...reported that one to the bar...the point still being he fought like hell and MADE it happen for his kids...BM had no attorney, didn't need one, the court was on.her side. No one HAS to do it without an attorney...it's a matter of doing the work to find one that will work with you...it takes effort...I assure you, nothing has been handed to my DH...and father who wants the outcome he had can get it if they do the work...he fought like hell, it was ugly, git wrenching, two years long...but worth it...for the kids, so worth it.


Quoting luckystars2012:

You are dancing around my question.  

Do you feel that your DH would have obtained the same CO if he had had to do it without an attorney? 



Quoting newstepmom61811:

He did''t see that as an option, he took the fight for his kids seriously. So he hinted for an attorney who took his fight seriously...any man can do that with time and effort if they want to...but it takes time and effort...he was not the kind of man to sit back and say "poor little me, the system works against me", he knew it did, so he prepared that he had to fight harder than BM, and he did.







newstepmom61811
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:04 PM
No, it wasn't an option. Navigating the court system in a true custody fight and contested divorce is not a good idea...there was no agreement on a single thing in their divorce...DH files, BM fought every step of the way...she got chance after chance after not being prepared, not following court orders to have things done/ready...the Judge plainly told DH and his attorney he was ruling more often in BMs favor because she had no attorney and she wanted to make sure things were fair...it was a brutal fight over two years...but in the end when all things were on the table the outcome was excellent for DH. The excruciating process was in the end worth it. It takes a lot of effort to find an attorney who will do the job you want...when a divorce and custody fight is contentious it is a fight...no father HAS to do it alone...it's a matter of putting in the work to find the attorney who will work with you.


Quoting luckystars2012:


So you agree that navigating the court system himself was not an option, he would not have been able to do it without a lawyer doing the legwork?



Quoting newstepmom61811:

Wasn't an option, DH would have kept hunting...that's what fighting is about...





Quoting luckystars2012:

Thats not what I asked.  How do you think he would have fared if he had had no way to get a lawyer and had to navigate the entire court system alone?


Not every father can get a lawyer on payment plans.  Take away the monetary resource your husband had, and the cooperative lawyer kind enough to take payments, and how do you think he would have done?




Quoting newstepmom61811:

He didn't go that route, he fought, tooth and nail, he didn't settle, other fathers don't have to either. There are many ways to fight.








Quoting luckystars2012:

That's my point though. He was able to get a lawyer, one way or another.







How do you think your dh would hve fared if he wasn'table to somehow get a lawyer, and had to navigate the legal system on his own, as many dads have to try to do?










Quoting newstepmom61811:

Yup, didn't have a dime...set up a payment plan with a attorney willing to work with him...it was by NO means handed to him...fought like hell for two years against a BM who did not want the outcome that happened, with an attorney he really couldn't afford but that WOULD accept a payment plan...there is no free legal help for BMs here although it is a very mom friendly state...he FOUGHT!














Quoting luckystars2012:Your dh had an attorney though. How well do you think he'd have fared if he couldn't have afforded one, esp if bm had given a crap, and esp if you Lived in a state where it's easy for moms to get free legal help?














Quoting newstepmom61811:I think there are as many idiot men as women out there...DH has a beautiful CO set up that he and his attorney did just fine on...I've read it so I know what DHs rights, responsibilities, and schedule is for my own sake...BM has never even read her own divorce decree/CO, DH has to remind her all the time what's in it...she starts screaming about what her rights are and he has to refer her back to what the court did indeed take away and why he is making certain decisions or telling her no to something...he reminds her to read it so she understands...she never has...no gender has a monopoly on idiocy.

























luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:09 PM
Exactly. It's next to impossible for a man to sucessfully get a fair shake in court without a lawyer.

And it's not always possible to get a lawyer on a payment plan.

When bm first took off with ss, J called over 300 lawyers. Not one would take a payment plan without at least 1000$ deposit. Not an easy feat for a lower enlisted soldier who is already paying cs.

He had to save, not only for the attorney but for the PI to find her so that they could serve her.


Quoting newstepmom61811:

In Texas, in the court he had, hell no, he fought like hell and went through two attorneys...one who took some of his money and really committed legal malpractice...reported that one to the bar...the point still being he fought like hell and MADE it happen for his kids...BM had no attorney, didn't need one, the court was on.her side. No one HAS to do it without an attorney...it's a matter of doing the work to find one that will work with you...it takes effort...I assure you, nothing has been handed to my DH...and father who wants the outcome he had can get it if they do the work...he fought like hell, it was ugly, git wrenching, two years long...but worth it...for the kids, so worth it.




Quoting luckystars2012:

You are dancing around my question.  

Do you feel that your DH would have obtained the same CO if he had had to do it without an attorney? 




Quoting newstepmom61811:

He did''t see that as an option, he took the fight for his kids seriously. So he hinted for an attorney who took his fight seriously...any man can do that with time and effort if they want to...but it takes time and effort...he was not the kind of man to sit back and say "poor little me, the system works against me", he knew it did, so he prepared that he had to fight harder than BM, and he did.











Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN