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Why do I always come second to my husbands kids???

Posted by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 4:11 PM
  • 14 Replies

I have been with my now husband for more than 3 years but we just got married last year.  He has four children all are grown- 20, 22, 26, 28.  Only one of the children lives at home with his birth mom.  My relationship with the kids is still luke warm, we are still building our relationship.  But my husband and I are now having issues centered around one of his children and him constantly giving him money.  Of my own money I have already contributed 36K to his son's education.  His son hasn't been able to hold down a job and live son his own.  While he was attendign college we supported him and some but minor support came form his birth mother.  He ha snow graduated and has decided to move out on his own with a roomate.  Over the past three years my step son has consistently not been able to make simple payments like cell phone, his apartment utilities, clothes and food nevermind that he never paid his own rent or contributed to his college tuition.  My husband and I made most of the financial sacrifices to help him.  His birth mother who is also legally responsible to be half of any of the college cost was unable to meet any of the obligations and would inform us at the last minute so we always had to pay.  My husband and I argued greatly about this during the years but I always gave in.  He made several promises to me that he would only help him this last time and then it would be it but never followed through.  Whe his son finally graduated he told him and promised me that his obligations were over and that he wa son his own from then on.  Well this week our step son called and indicated that he di dnot have the rent to pay (this was his first month and yes he still has not obtained a job), my husband caved and once went back on his word to me and has given him the money.  I realize that my husband has guilt issues but I feel liek I am being talen for granted.  I pleaded with him not to give him the money and stick to his word but he could not.  I have now decided that he and I need to separate our money and pay for things 50/50.  I don;t want to be a dummy here and keep givign away all my hard earned money only to end up divorced again because we keep fighting about money and be left with nothing.  I love him to death but his issue with never sayign no to his kids is killing our marriage and he does not seem to be abel to stop himself.  I have suggested marriage counseling but I don;t even know how to start.  Help!!

by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 4:11 PM
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Replies (1-10):
JesseDigio
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 4:13 PM

Sorry about all the spelling errors- I was writing passionately!

USBrit
by Silver Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 5:55 PM

YOU need to read this..............there was another similar post..that was all over the map. BUT, to me, this clears it all up.

http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2007/09/are-parents-helping-or-enabling-their-adult-children.html




spicy0425
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:09 PM
1 mom liked this

You knew this man 3 yrs, spent 36K for his son's education. Since your step kids are all grown I assume you are in your 40/50 and financially stable on your own. If I were you, I'd get a divorce because I don't believe i am responsible for another family's grown children. If your husband loves you just 1/2 of the way you love him, he'll find a way to keep his words to you and stop this money bleeding a year ago. It's not fair for him to continue taking advantage of your goodness to feed his guilt and his useless kid(s). Since you knew him for 3 yrs but got married for 1, I'd venture to say he might have hooked you into his mess knowing full well you will continue paying for his children since you guys are married now. Ask yourself this, if you truly love another person, would you be willing to take advantage of him or you'd be willing to work to protect his best interest?

Melina74
by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:15 PM
1 mom liked this

I would definitely separate the finances.  You need to make it clear to your DH that there needs to be x amount contributed by him, to the household bills.  You do the same.  After that, he only has his leftover money to spend on whatever he sees fit.  If he's the one that's broke because he gave it all to a grown man who apparently can't get a job, then tough.  

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:40 PM
2 moms liked this

Marriage counselling is a start but you allowed him to treat you that way when you always gave in to what he wanted.

annabl1970
by Platinum Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:54 PM
5 moms liked this
It doesn't have to end up with divorce. Just separate your money from his. Pay your share of expenses and save the rest for your future.
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spicy0425
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 6:56 PM
1 mom liked this

You guys are angels for staying in this marriage and this situation. My hat is off to you for tolerating a lot more than I can.

jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 7:07 PM

This!  You have taught him how you're willing to be treated, what motivation does he have to change?  He has taught his children (adults now) how he's willing to be treated, what motivation do they have to change?  (and why would they if dad will keep paying!?!?   Heck, if I found someone to pay all my bills I'd be very happy!) 

Quoting leegirl_jm:

Marriage counselling is a start but you allowed him to treat you that way when you always gave in to what he wanted.

And, you helped pay for his childs college when you weren't even married to him yet?!?!?  WHY would you think he'd change now?  WHY was the child going to a college neither parent could afford to help with on their own?

YES!  Separate your money, today!  Go to the bank first thing in the morning, open your own account, pull out all of your money from the joint one, make sure any future money of yours (investments, pay checks, whatever) goes to your new account and write DH a check each month to cover your half of the home bills (mortgage/rent, utilites, cable, etc.) if the house is in his name.  If it's in your name, HE needs to write you a check for his half.  Also, set aside a bit to cover unexpected things (roof leak, burst pipe, etc.) so you're ready (both of you contribute to this monthly) in an emergency. THEN, anything he has left over can be for his grown kids.  If nothing is left, he can tell his children that too.  They are NOT your responsibility, even if they were minors they wouldn't be your responsibility (financially) to cover. 

Stop enabling this man. Or, keep doing so and don't complain about the treatment he's giving you when you've taught him this is how you're willing to take from him. Just say no...

Good luck! 

luckystars2012
by Platinum Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 9:01 PM

Dividing your money is a good idea.  each of you should be responsible for HALF the household expenses, and then you can each do what you want with what you have left over.

Rachael-Dawn
by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 9:12 PM
How bad off are yall financially? If yall are doing fine then I don't see a problem with his son needing help financially. He has to learn to a degree but maybe he needs to put him to work as a way to earn/pay back what is loaned to him. If he refuses then no more money train. Maybe then he would be willing to obtain a job. I know my in laws have helped us quite a bit. My dh got laid off and we were in a bad way. I was on bed rest pregnant and fil loaned us some money to get by and dh worked overtime taking care of his dad's rent houses and anything else his dad tossed to him for work until dh got hired on at another place. Your ss should have to work his buns off until he finds a job.
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