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Is there a happy medium?

Posted by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 4:15 PM
  • 14 Replies

A little over a year ago my fiance and I moved in together. I have 2 children of my own that I have custody of, a son who is 8 and a daughter who is 4, and he has 2 as well that he has custody of, a daughter that is 9 and a son who is almost 4. His wife walked out on him and his children and after months of her not having contact with them he filed for divorce. She didnt fight for the kids, she just walked in and asked for Tuesday nights for 2 hours and every other weekend period. No holiday, birthday, summer, or any other visitation.

When I first came into the relationship, things were great with his kids and myself and we enjoyed all sorts of activities and even down time we had fun. I can't recall when things changed with the kids but when it did it wrecked all sorts of havoc in our family. Blending seemed to become impossible.

My SS was so little that he really wasn't aware of the situation. All he knew was Mommy was there one day, then one day she wasn't, and now he sees her sometimes. He has had some issues with her leaving that has left him insecure and anxious. He is a sweet boy with so much love to give and he has excepted me as his "Shell" and our relationship is strong.

My SD was old enough to know what happened with her mom and she, her brother, and her dad had a hard time dealing with the emotions that came with it. She had begun acting out shortly after her dad and I got serious. She began lying to her mom, to us, playing dumb when she felt it suited her, and truthfully, in the beginning, she got away with her behavior because she would cry and make up some of the craziest reasons to excuse her behavior. Now that her dad and I have caught on to what she is doing she gets by with it less, but she does continue to make waves between us and her mother. When we talk to her about it and ask her why she does these things, her answer is because she likes it or she wants mom and dad back together, or we get nothing at all. Her and my relationship started off great, but now its not so much.

I have tried so many things to mend what has been broken, and I have let so much go and just moved on, but it seems like everytime we turn around there is another thing we are forced to deal with because SD wants to stir up trouble between us and her mom. We have tried to talk to mom about the problems and she tells us we are lying and that she doesnt believe it and that I dont have any place to talk to her about her and the dads children... no matter how nice I am or how things are brought up to her. I think she has only empowered my SD to act the way she has been instead of redirecting her.

I am not sure what to do about the things I am having to deal with. I dont believe there are any easy solutions at this point, but I am very open minded and willing to do what ever I can to try and bring our family closer together and protect my SK as well as my own children.

by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 4:15 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 9:58 PM
2 moms liked this

Has his DD been in any type of therapy or counseling?

I think that would be a good first step for her.

Also, you probably don't want to be the one approaching BM about the issues, that's a parenting thing and it should be between dad and mom. If dad wants to talk to you about it before and after his conversation with mom that's fine; but you really shouldn't be involved in that conversation. 

lnr187
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 10:11 PM

 this is exactly what i was going to say.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Has his DD been in any type of therapy or counseling?

I think that would be a good first step for her.

Also, you probably don't want to be the one approaching BM about the issues, that's a parenting thing and it should be between dad and mom. If dad wants to talk to you about it before and after his conversation with mom that's fine; but you really shouldn't be involved in that conversation. 

 

Jane2112
by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:02 PM

Mom's get really defensive over their kids, and even though you're involved because it's your life too and affects your life, you really have to leave it up to your husband and his ex to discuss their child.  Especially since she already told you that her childs well being is none of her business.

kmur
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:50 AM

BUMP!

annabl1970
by Platinum Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:40 AM
1 mom liked this
You shouldn't talk to mother, your H should.
Ugh it going to be hard if both parents are not on the same page. She will easily play them against each other. What kind of troubles she stirs up? What lies she says to BM?
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whatIknownow
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 7:46 AM

Can  you give an example of what she has done that has stirred up trouble?

MNix
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 11:55 AM

She has lied to her mom about what i do with the kids or lack of involvement with them, that i am constantly spanking the 3 year old SS and that i yell at them and so on... When i have asked her why she feels the need to lie to her mom she tells me its because her mom wants to hear something so she tells her whatever she thinks she wants to hear. I have asked her what she thinks she is gaining from it and she shrugs her shoulders and says things like well i hope it will get my mom and dad back together or i like it, or nothing at all. I have suggested counseling to the BD and usually i handle setting up all the dr appts and etc with the kids but he mentioned it to her and she started wailing NO DADDY NO and things on that just stopped...

oscarsmom70
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:41 PM
2 moms liked this

I think we all know the blending of families can be challenging and everyone has its own unique set of problems and frutrations.  

The non-profit I work for just had 2 broadcasts in the last week that talk about this topic and I found them to be insightful and helpful.  Here are links to them, just in case they may help you also . . .   Co-Parenting with Ron Deal and Tammy Daughtry and Remarriage with Drs. Gary and Greg Smalley.  You can listen to them online.

Praying for you!!

MNix
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:03 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you very much. I will definately check these out.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:06 PM

What does your husband do when his daughter acts like this and tells lies?


Quoting MNix:

She has lied to her mom about what i do with the kids or lack of involvement with them, that i am constantly spanking the 3 year old SS and that i yell at them and so on... When i have asked her why she feels the need to lie to her mom she tells me its because her mom wants to hear something so she tells her whatever she thinks she wants to hear. I have asked her what she thinks she is gaining from it and she shrugs her shoulders and says things like well i hope it will get my mom and dad back together or i like it, or nothing at all. I have suggested counseling to the BD and usually i handle setting up all the dr appts and etc with the kids but he mentioned it to her and she started wailing NO DADDY NO and things on that just stopped...



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