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24-year old stepson sprawled in our bed???!!!

Posted by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:14 PM
  • 30 Replies

Hi all,

My name is Judy and I'm in a second marriage.  I have 3 kids from my first - ranging in age from 20 - 28, my husband has 3 also - 16 - 24 AND we just had twin boys in February.  I also have a grandson and another grandbaby on the way (which is a whole 'nother story).

So my stepkids are a little odd - or maybe it's just me.  My husband had this great (crazy) idea of getting all his kids together under one roof - sleeping at our summer cottage.  The 16 year old refuses to acknowlege the babies - won't look at them, walks past them and ignores them, is totally self-centered.  The 24-year old is the most helpless 24 year old I've ever met, and the 21 year old (girl) seems to be the best of the bunch. 

So one night during the vacation, the 16 year old comes upstairs to our bedroom and tells my husband he's scared and asks my husband to come downstairs and sleep with him.

The next day I found the 24 year old sprawled across my bed reading War & Peace.  No permission asked or anything - he just invaded our bedroom!  He explains that this is his favorite spot in the cottage because it used to be his mother's bed.  HUH?  I didn't want to chastise him (not MY job) but I told him I needed to change one of the babies, so he reluctantly got up and left me a warm changing spot  - on the bed I share with his dad!  Then he and his dad got into an argument about whether or not he could go to grad school and he told his father he wanted this to be a private discussion so I got "sent to my room" essentially.  I went to sleep early with the babies snoring beside me while my husband had the run of the downstairs, negotiating with his son.

None of this seems "normal" to me and I wasn't having fun.  It went on like this before the babies were born - the 16 year old being too scared to sleep alone and summoning my husband in the middle of the night, but I never felt so invaded and intrusive before.  So today, I excused myself and took the babies home early, leaving my husband with his kids.  It was clear to me that they all needed more attention from him and, frankly, I was getting annoyed with the negative ways they were going about getting it.  I figured it made a lot more sense to let him go about his unfinished business with his boys alone.

Now I need a vacation from the vacation...

Nice to meet you all!


Judy

by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:14 PM
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Replies (1-10):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:19 PM
2 moms liked this
Oy!
Congrats on the babies

I would be bothered at being so dismissed. I also would be a little eeked out about the bed ... Being his mothers old bed ... Awkward....

So how did your husband respond to you leaving early with the babies?
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KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 11:57 PM
1 mom liked this
I think it all sounds fairly normal, give or take. Nothing extreme.
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 6:54 AM

Is the mother of the 24 year old dead?

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 7:51 AM

I don't see anything wrong with it, but my room isn't off limits with any of my kids.

Bertieb
by Bronze Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 8:31 AM


I don't think the 16 year old behavior is "normal" at all but don't know what the answer is if your DH doesn't find it worrisome. I don't blame you for feeling invaded in your bedroom either, whether it be a step child or your own. Kids don't like us in there rooms, everybody likes to have there private space I think. However, 24 yo probably just looking for a place to get away and read, but the mention of his mom was probably a little dig at the change in his family life. If they vacationed there then I'm sure he misses the past family life and memories come strong on the return. I know it's hard but hang in there. I'd be overwhelmed with just the blended kids so it sounds like you are doing great if these are the biggest issues you've dealt with yet.

akm378mn
by Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Yeah, I get annoyed when my 10 yo daughter just "assumes" she can go lay on our bed and watch tv whenever she feels like it.  I mean, she has a tv in her own room, my room is not her person tv room.  Also, there's a tv in the living room too.  I guess I wouldn't mind as much if she would just ask... not just assume. 

We have a pretty small house and personal space is limited, so i feel like my room is my room and not just open for anyone to use at any time.... I guess I feel more like this with the recent friction between sd and I. 

JLang
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 11:35 AM

That is a lot to put up with. Does your husband feel bad when his kids act that way? Did he feel bad that you left?

amylulu1
by Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:19 PM

 My adult children lay on my bed all the time.  Would you have taken issue with it if it were one of your children as opposed to your ss?  That seems a little nit-picky to me.  

I would be upset at being asked to leave the room.  If they wanted to have a private conversation, they should have left the room, not you.  I honestly couldn't see myself submissively going to my room because they wanted to have a conversation. 

Welcome to the group!

spicy0425
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:22 PM

You know you are the 2nd wife, so your step kids are kings and queens and they are entitled to everything they want because "they were there 1st", right?  You mean nothing in the home they have been sharing with their dad all their lives.

All joking aside, 16 yrs old is old enough to sleep on his/her own.   My SDs are still in their teens and tweens so it is ok to have them crawl around on my bed. However, I would not feel comfortable having a 24 yrs old boy spreading around on the bed where I have sex and do the monkey thing with his dad. If I was you, I'd leave that uncomfortable situation too. ( But I'd tell the 24 yrs old that "tough luck, you mom is not having sex with your dad anymore, i do. do you want to get that image in your mind by spreading around on this bed? you want a demo?" that's just what I wish I'd say to that 24 yrs young man who has no manner, no boundary and rude. )

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:36 PM

How long have you been married?  How much time have you spent with his kids living in your regular home?  Is this the first time you have been to their "cottage"?

My DD16 still gets scared sometimes and likes to sleep with me.  She won't do it when DH is there but since he is gone 2 or 3 nights every week, it is fine.

It sounds like you married into a family that had long established family traditions and routines.  I would suggest actively discussing these with DH to develop new routines.  Or if it only happens at this vacation cottage, maybe you can be the one that just accepts that this has been their place a lot longer than it was yours and strategically for familial happiness and serenity, you could change how you deal with it.

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