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Mom..Stepmom...Why get caught in the labels?

Posted by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 11:40 AM
  • 167 Replies

This seems to be on of the eternal questions of stepmotherhood. What can my stepchild call me? Why can't the child call you whatever makes him/her happy? Ultimately in any step-situation, the child is supposed to be the one thought about the most right? Like how to make the whole situation easiest for this child? So why can't we let the child decide?

Most parents introduce their SO to their child by their first name from the get go, Right off the bat, that person isn't their Mom or Dad but as the relationship becomes more comfortable and the child knows the distinction in her mind between parent and stepparent but would like to call them both Mom or Dad or a cute nickname because it makes the CHILD happier or more comfortable or more accepted, why is that so wrong? Why can't parents put aside their own insecurities and fears and put it all aside for the sake of their child's happiness? Is it so wrong for a child to call someone Mom but it is their stepmom if the CHILD chooses too?

I do NOT think stepparents or parents should tell the kid to call their stepparent Dad or Mom but if the child feels most comfortable with that name from their own perogative...I don't see the issue. I don't care what my future skids call me as long as it is respectful and a name that they are comfortable with.

Just my random musings...

by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 11:40 AM
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Replies (1-10):
JLang
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 11:52 AM
1 mom liked this

My stepkids call me mom. Tell their friends and teachers I am their mom. My husband and I have never told them to do so. Their BM isn't too much involved and I think they try to fill that void with me. Everyone seems to be rubbed the wrong way though about the kids calling me mom. There is no way I could look into their little faces and say no, don't call me that...

pepper504
by Gold Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 11:53 AM

There are MANY different personalities out there and some people do not want the title "Mom/Dad" given to a SP.  Some people do it to be malicious and hurt the OP.  If the child does it on their own, then so be it. 

SS14 considers me a "Mom" but he does not call me "mom."  I am "Pepper."  I would never accept him calling me "Mom" or "Mommy Pepper."  That just skeeves me out, but that is me. 

DD16 was forced in the beginning (she was a toddler when ex and I split) to call her the SM "Mommy herfirstname."  After a while, DD started to rebel.  I am sure that it was done to get under my skin in the beginning, but if you don't let them see what bothers you, it eventually stops in time.  It did and SM is now exSM. 

CookiePwnz
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:06 PM

My step kids introduce me as their Step-Mom, but they call me Jess. That's what they want, that's what they get. I don't mind.

DeliteCrazy
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:14 PM
5 moms liked this

Because i'm mom, and stepmom is stepmom.

wanna make the situation happy, tell the kid i'm flattered you want to call me mom, but you have a mom, and she is special, so lets think up another name.

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:21 PM
7 moms liked this

Forgetting anything else, I like to remember that we are the adults and we make decisions.  A stepparent is at its core a temporary position.  If a stepparent and the bioparent divorce, there is a very, very high probability that the relationship between child and stepparent ceases.  The very basic concept of being mom or dad is that it is forever.  Unchangeable.  And it is that concept that makes losing a bioparent so very difficult for a child.  Why do we want to add the possibility that they might lose another mom or dad?

Therefore, as an adult, a parent, I would not want my child calling my new husband Dad.  She might want to because she loves DH and is more of a dad than Dad is.  But as an adult, I understand that while I love this man with all my heart today, shit happens and things can change and we could divorce.  And now I would need to live with DD losing her dad, not just my husband.

I get that for some families it makes sense.  Whatever.  I still don't think it is wise.  But I don't like the argument that "if a child wants it".  A child wants a lot of things.  They don't get everything.

And please, for the love of some fucking all powerful entity in the sky or ground, stop assuming that the only reason BMs don't want SM called mom is because we are insecure and fearful.  That is just total bullshit for 99% of the BMs that don't want their child calling the new woman in BFs life mom.  There is nothing I am more secure and confident about than my role as mom.

MommySabs
by Gold Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:29 PM
8 moms liked this
This! I would also like to add that my biggest accomplishment in life is being mom. I earned it by carrying, birthing and caring for my children and no I don't think my exh has a right to give that away nor do I feeli have the right to take that from my dss bm. Part of it is respect. I may not like her, I may not agree with her, I may not like her decisions but she and my dh had this wonderful boy and for that they deserve the respect of being mom and dad.


Quoting pdxmum:

Forgetting anything else, I like to remember that we are the adults and we make decisions.  A stepparent is at its core a temporary position.  If a stepparent and the bioparent divorce, there is a very, very high probability that the relationship between child and stepparent ceases.  The very basic concept of being mom or dad is that it is forever.  Unchangeable.  And it is that concept that makes losing a bioparent so very difficult for a child.  Why do we want to add the possibility that they might lose another mom or dad?

Therefore, as an adult, a parent, I would not want my child calling my new husband Dad.  She might want to because she loves DH and is more of a dad than Dad is.  But as an adult, I understand that while I love this man with all my heart today, shit happens and things can change and we could divorce.  And now I would need to live with DD losing her dad, not just my husband.

I get that for some families it makes sense.  Whatever.  I still don't think it is wise.  But I don't like the argument that "if a child wants it".  A child wants a lot of things.  They don't get everything.

And please, for the love of some fucking all powerful entity in the sky or ground, stop assuming that the only reason BMs don't want SM called mom is because we are insecure and fearful.  That is just total bullshit for 99% of the BMs that don't want their child calling the new woman in BFs life mom.  There is nothing I am more secure and confident about than my role as mom.


Tx_stepmom
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:30 PM

 There have been many debates over this subject.  So many that i've lost count....LOL

My SS has questioned what to call me in the past.  First it was Miss "D", now it's "D" or mom slips out sometimes.  How do I feel about it?  I could care less.  As long as it's something nice.  Whatever makes SS happy. 

phoenixhuntress
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:32 PM

Curious?  Do you have children of your own?

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:35 PM
2 moms liked this

My only issue with the kids calling the SM mom is that the SM might actually believe the kids think of her as their mom.... then when they demonstrate that they don't mean "mom" literally, she feels betrayed and lashes out at them.

Seen it happen, it's very sad.

So as long as a SM can keep herself grounded in reality about the nature of her relationship with the stepkids, and understand "'mom" is  meant figuratively, then there is no issue.

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:35 PM

I don't think that is a child's decision, Mom and Dad gets to decide for their children on their individual title.

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