Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

BM is broke

Posted by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:18 PM
  • 35 Replies
So BM and her DH moved to town about 4 months ago after BM's parents bought them a house that they are renting. BM did not plan to go back to work but her DH has been looking for a job and has not yet found one. He does get a military pension but half of it goes to his ex for CS and the other half is barely enough for rent. So anyway, BM told us the other day that they are basically flat broke and asked if we could feed the kids breakfast and dinner everyday (we have 50/50 but the kids are with her during the day while we work, she normally feeds them dinner two or three times a week). That is not a problem but school shopping is fast approaching and BM is now saying she will not be able to help out at all, which means we would have to buy all clothes and supplies for all 3 kids if we want them to have new things. This normally wouldn't bother me but it's just frustrating that BM did not plan for any back to school shopping while she spent the summer spending money on non-necessities. This summer she has bought new furniture, new clothes for her, went on a trip to Santa Cruz, went to a broadway play, and bought two pet snakes. That may not seem like a lot but it is when you and your DH are both unemployed, IMO. I know there is nothing I can do but I'm just afraid if we keep picking up all the slack when it comes to the kid's expenses, she will continue to fall back on that and not make an effort to contribute. Also, we had paid $450 for my SD to attend summer camp and just asked her to pay the $75 in spending money she needed. We gave SD the $75 but BM only paid us back $50. Any thoughts on making BM accountable? There is no CS exchanged and no court order. And before anyone says I'm just bashing BM, that is not my intent at all. Her and I get along and are very friendly with eachother I just think her priorities are a little out of whack.
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:18 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:23 PM
1 mom liked this

 that sucks mama :( and i also deal with a BM that is not accountable because SO has made it a little too easy for her to fall back on him when it concerns the kids.

i will add. some of us (yes, me) are not good with money and lack foresight. i do have my priorities straight for the most part and my own kids never do without but i will admit many times i have been broke, then when i get my hands on money i have to get all the necessesities id been putting off and do spend some on myself, because damn it, i personally dont want to not enjoy life ever at all cuz i dont have any money. if your BM is responsible in most regards, maybe she is just not good with money.

i dont know what advice to give.

amylulu1
by Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:24 PM

They are out of whack if she is doing all of those other things instead of providing for her children.  I guess it's her money to spend, but it does seem unbalanced financially.  It also seems a little manipulative in my opinion...she obviously knows that the kids' dad isn't going to let them go without, so she spends her money the way she wants knowing that dad will take up the slack.  IMO, DH should stop enabling her and tell her what he is willing to do and what he isn't.  Or keeping track of what was spent so that she can pay it back a little at a time.  I mean her half...

DeliteCrazy
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:27 PM

It SUCKS, no matter how you look at it. iF you buy school clothes and school supplies, you might feel like you're having to give bm a free pass for her choices. If you don't, than you might feel "guilty" because the kids won't have anything.

i'll get ds some things for school, and get the basics for school supplies. i've learned not to get everything at once, as he will grow out of things.

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:04 PM
I can understand not planning ahead for every little thing, I certainly don't do that either. I put into my emergency savings, vacation and retirement every month but that is about it, otherwise I just make sure I have enough cusion every month to take care of any extra expenses (i.e. school shopping, extraccurriculars). Sometimes things come up and it's a tight month money-wise, but never so bad we cannot afford food or bills and a few extra things. Also, I do know that BM's parent's did help her out a lot this summer so she was not only spending her own money, but I think the gravy-train is ending for her and she doesn't really know how to handle that. I understand the concept of going from having a steady income for many years to that being cut in less then half can be daunting and difficult to adjust to for anyone. It's just BM definitely knows how to put her self in a victim role so that she doesn't do anything to change. She tells the kids how broke she is all the time and so they kind of feel sorry for her but expect DH and I to shell out the dough on a whim. Eh, what can you do....I just hope her DH finds a good job soon so that they will have no excuse not to contribute to the kid's expenses.
Quoting faerie75:

 that sucks mama :( and i also deal with a BM that is not accountable because SO has made it a little too easy for her to fall back on him when it concerns the kids.

i will add. some of us (yes, me) are not good with money and lack foresight. i do have my priorities straight for the most part and my own kids never do without but i will admit many times i have been broke, then when i get my hands on money i have to get all the necessesities id been putting off and do spend some on myself, because damn it, i personally dont want to not enjoy life ever at all cuz i dont have any money. if your BM is responsible in most regards, maybe she is just not good with money.

i dont know what advice to give.


rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:08 PM
1 mom liked this

 

True.....SD keeps telling me "I hope you've been saving your money for school shopping because I am going to need ALOT of clothes", I just kind of chuckle and think to myself that there is no way I am buying for the whole school year all at once.

Quoting DeliteCrazy:

It SUCKS, no matter how you look at it. iF you buy school clothes and school supplies, you might feel like you're having to give bm a free pass for her choices. If you don't, than you might feel "guilty" because the kids won't have anything.

i'll get ds some things for school, and get the basics for school supplies. i've learned not to get everything at once, as he will grow out of things.


 

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:15 PM
2 moms liked this

When dealing with someone like that, I think it's best to just assume you'll cover all expenses and then be delighted if/when she contributes something. 

Keep an eye out for school supply coupons.  A lot of places around me are having sales now, and I've gotten coupons from several already.  The pre-packaged supplies cost more than picking up things up piece by piece if you pay attention to the pricing.  I love how the standard school-requested 24-pack of #2 pencils is on sale for $2.49, but you can by packs of 10 for $0.50 each.  The dollars and cents to add up.

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:27 PM
1 mom liked this

 Luckily, DH is no sucker. Yes, he will always provide for his kids and sometimes spoil them a little, but he will not put up with BM's victim mentality. The other day when BM said she couldnt even afford to feed the kids dinner he literally told her she should go look into a food pantry for free food. Now if you know BM she kind of comes from a golden spoon background so she will accept handouts from her family but likes to appear to others like she is better off then she actually is. I admit, it's me who is the sucker, I love to help people and will bend over backwards to do so even if I know they don't deserve it. I would call myself a compulsive giver, lol, I would probably be rich if I still had all the money I have given to others in my lifetime for whatever reason.

Oh, and here's a little proof of me "overgiving", it's BM's SD's birthday (her dh's DD) today and I went out and got her some gift cards a few outfits and a card for her even though I have only met her like 4 times. It's kind of funny though, she had asked BM if she could come to our (DH and I's) house for her birthday, that must been awkward as heck for BM, lol.

Quoting amylulu1:

They are out of whack if she is doing all of those other things instead of providing for her children.  I guess it's her money to spend, but it does seem unbalanced financially.  It also seems a little manipulative in my opinion...she obviously knows that the kids' dad isn't going to let them go without, so she spends her money the way she wants knowing that dad will take up the slack.  IMO, DH should stop enabling her and tell her what he is willing to do and what he isn't.  Or keeping track of what was spent so that she can pay it back a little at a time.  I mean her half...


 

progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:27 PM
2 moms liked this

If we were in this situation (which we could easily be) we’d get SS what we could, but we wouldn’t break our budget trying to compensate for what BM couldn’t afford.

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:31 PM

 

Thanks for the tips, that sounds like good advice. I will definitely be looking for good deals especially on clothes, my SD is looking to put us in the poor house with getting all the latest fashions for her first year in middle school. I think i just going to need to set a dollar limit for her before we even go shopping so that she cannot try to manipulate me into breaking the bank. Clothes are expensive these days!

Quoting Derdriu:

When dealing with someone like that, I think it's best to just assume you'll cover all expenses and then be delighted if/when she contributes something. 

Keep an eye out for school supply coupons.  A lot of places around me are having sales now, and I've gotten coupons from several already.  The pre-packaged supplies cost more than picking up things up piece by piece if you pay attention to the pricing.  I love how the standard school-requested 24-pack of #2 pencils is on sale for $2.49, but you can by packs of 10 for $0.50 each.  The dollars and cents to add up.


 

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:36 PM
1 mom liked this

I would ask to take the kids more full time till she gets on her feet. Tell her, "you have thre months to get it together with no consequences.....everything goes right back to the way it was. However after three months we will assume you want to keep 50/50 but not have the kids and that just wont fly".

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured