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double standard

Posted by on Aug. 4, 2013 at 1:01 PM
  • 36 Replies
I'm beginning to get sick of the double standard I am seeing when it comes to a birth parents' responsibility to support their child.

For those who don't know: dh and bm had 50/50 from when they separated 5 years ago until dh was granted primary custody last August. Cs was never order except for a 6 month period in which dh was granted full custody during a dcf investigation into bm for breaking sd's leg. Bm didn't pay a dime, and nothing was done.

When dh was awarded custody cs was suspended because bm was voluntarily in school and ”couldn't work” (how she would have paid for sd to be there full time like she was fighting for is beyond me). Anyways, so for the last year dh has been notifying bm of different expenses for sd such as school supplies, school uniforms, ec cost, and daycare. his thinking was that if bm would offer to pay what she could afford, he wouldnt need to go through the court for cs when the time comes.

Bm ignored dhs emails (even the o ne about the cost of daycare that informed her of the cost per day asking her to at least pay for the day she has sd there on her time that he is paying for). The only response that dh got was bm saying she would only pay what is court ordered (which is 50% ofuninsured medical and she hasn't paid him for that in almost a year).

So 3 months ago bm graduates and dh decides to file for cs since bm has made it clear she won't provide for sd unless ordered by a judge to. Well now on several occasions when dh has had to either speak with someone on the phone or in person about the cs case, he has had several people treat him like crap because how dare he ask a mom to support her kid? The cs office discovered that bm has been fraudulently claiming sd for welfare, food stamps, and medicaid for the last two years. They told him they were reportingbm for fraud but dh would need to call and report it as well, and when he did one of the supervisors actually scoffed and said ”what, you don't want your kid to eat?” This was AFTER dh let him know bm was choosing to not get a job for the last 3 months!

I don't get it. If a man did that he'd be a pos, but the mom isn't working, isn't in school, isn't trying to work, and isn't supporting her kid, but dh is the bad guy for trying to get her to be responsible for her own child?
by on Aug. 4, 2013 at 1:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Aug. 4, 2013 at 1:09 PM
3 moms liked this

The double standard exists but your DH cannot let that defeat him, many men choose not to do anything and that causes the situation to remain the same. Just approach this in a business-like fashion and remind the agency workers that they have a job to do, and scoff back at then when they make inappropriate comments.

momtodab
by Member on Aug. 4, 2013 at 1:19 PM
I've seen it to. My ss lives with us. I hate it. Men have no rights and that sucks because done men do just want what's best for the kids
SMInProgress
by on Aug. 4, 2013 at 1:40 PM
1 mom liked this

Yes, we used to get that too until we just had our lawyer on it. Costlier way to do it but less aggravation for me & less defeat for DH. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel for full time dads fighting for CS, they actually can get it.  Our BM falsely collected also but now owes us CS she wrongfully collected for the skid we have in our care. Respect you guys for taking your skid away from harm. Good luck!

soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Aug. 4, 2013 at 1:41 PM

I think that CS workers are unhelpful period. My ex didn't pay his CS for DS and they never seemed to care either. My BIL hardly pays his 250 for 2 kids yet they won't hardly do anything whenever his ex calls about it.

Personally I think anyone that doesn't support their kids are crappy people.

Leigh84
by Silver Member on Aug. 4, 2013 at 2:00 PM
Yes, I agree w/you. My sitch was very similar. Now BM in my sitch will help out w/what she can here and there but sometimes it almost seems she wants a cookie for doing right by her kids.
spicy0425
by Silver Member on Aug. 4, 2013 at 2:00 PM
1 mom liked this

Who cares what the supervisor said. Insisting on filing CS request, follow the procedures. You know you can file complain against the supervisor, right? They work for the state agency, they supposed to follow the law and not taking side.

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Aug. 4, 2013 at 2:04 PM
DH was treated the same way - every call started with the worker assuming he was a deadbeat dad who didn't want to pay.

He finally exagerrated a bit and told a woman that he had gotten SD away from her SF who beat her and her mentally ill BM with very little notice. He was just trying to get her settled in and get her some clothes with the CS money since she arrived with none. That worker was then very sympathetic and helpful - she pushed his file through and we got a quick response.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 4, 2013 at 3:10 PM
I've never personally dealt with this double standard so I can't say I understand. All of the men I know with custody, receive child support so I don't know... Maybe it's just where you live?
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 4, 2013 at 3:11 PM
Yep the website should have a complaint submission form.


Quoting spicy0425:

Who cares what the supervisor said. Insisting on filing CS request, follow the procedures. You know you can file complain against the supervisor, right? They work for the state agency, they supposed to follow the law and not taking side.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 4, 2013 at 3:12 PM
My sister has the same experience. Hardly a dime all year but they've done nothing. $27k behind and still... Nothing. They go to court he pays a fee he gets sent on his way with a slap on the wrist.


Quoting soonergirl980:

I think that CS workers are unhelpful period. My ex didn't pay his CS for DS and they never seemed to care either. My BIL hardly pays his 250 for 2 kids yet they won't hardly do anything whenever his ex calls about it.

Personally I think anyone that doesn't support their kids are crappy people.


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