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Gotta be honest...I'm SHOCKED!

Posted by on Aug. 4, 2013 at 9:54 PM
  • 179 Replies
8 moms liked this

Maybe I live in la-la land but I am honest to God blown away by how many of you say the dad has primary custody of the kids. I was under the assumption that a bm had to basically be a cracked out, wh*re to lose custody. I personally don't know any mom who has lost custody of her kids to the father...but on here, it seems like it's every other post. Just struck me as odd.

by on Aug. 4, 2013 at 9:54 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Tillymommie
by Silver Member on Aug. 4, 2013 at 10:04 PM
4 moms liked this
There are quite a few CSMs here. Which I am thankful for because I was CSM from the beginning. I didn't know what I was getting into lol. But BM doesn't have to be cracked out to lose custody. It does happen more then people realize though.
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Aug. 4, 2013 at 10:09 PM
That's the reason so many of us CSMs are here. It's really hard to find another CSM offline! DH and I know a few custodial dads, but only one of them is remarried. And in all cases, there was substance abuse taking place by the BM. Sad circumstances.
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TexTornado
by on Aug. 4, 2013 at 10:10 PM
I know several and it's happened in my own family.  my BIL has custody of his 3 kids, his ex wasn't a cracked out wh*re but she was and still is a raging alcoholic who can't keep a job, a home or anything else.  He hasn't remarried & is a single dad for now. He does great.  We live on the next street over and my MIL lives in the neighborhood a few streets down and we all pitch in to help him, due to the hours he works. 
Tx_stepmom
by on Aug. 4, 2013 at 10:10 PM

Until I came here, I didn't realize how many BM's don't have custody either.  I thought I was all alone being a CSM.  It's because the courts automatically (in most cases) give custody to the mother.  On TV all you hear about is "Deadbeat Dads", not the mothers.  Think about it......


In our case, BM is more worried about her wants and needs instead of putting SS first.  All she cares about is her visitation.  That's it.  She's left the raising of SS  up to DH & I.  She wants no part of it.  It is sad....because SS gets hurt by her lack of involvement.

KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Aug. 4, 2013 at 11:13 PM
2 moms liked this
It is really surprising to me too because I just can't imagine not being the custodial parent to my children.But I guess everyone doesn't feel the same.
Talis
by on Aug. 4, 2013 at 11:29 PM

I agree, wish this was the case for us, but its not. Considering steps that need to be taken to be sure that SD is being provided for, but congrats to all those to have their babies near to their hearts. Its rough for us to watch SD go when she goes home with BM.

Lotusflower_21
by on Aug. 4, 2013 at 11:45 PM
1 mom liked this

Dh and I have primary custody of his daughter.  My son at 16 decided he wanted his Dad to be primary custodial parent.   We allowed my son to move in with his Dad but he is still here a lot.   He is closer to his friends church school work etc. 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 12:22 AM
3 moms liked this
I know a handful of moms that were the primary bread winner in their homes and their husbands were the stay at home dads so when they divorced, the primary care giver is awarded residential custody. I also think what you are seeing is a shift in the legal system. Men are finally standing up and fighting for their rights to their children. I don't personally know any crack whores but I do know a lot of women who are in high profile careers and unfortunately their careers come first to them. They are not bad mothers as dads who work are not bad fathers. I think that it's ok and acceptable for men to be the custodial home and for moms to be just as involved and care and love for their children just the same. It's a stereotype, a double standard that hopefully is going to fade, just like gay marriage and minorities in high profile positions ... The world is changing.

ETA: I also see situations in my personal experience where neither parent is actually parenting. Dad has been awarded residential status but works a lot. Mom works a lot and so neither parent is actually raising their children - stepmom is raising the kids.
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Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 12:50 AM

I don't know any CSMs in real life. I know several SMs, even a couple who's husbands have 50/50 custody.

I'm the only CSM in my circle of friends. 

Pero3
by Silver Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 6:30 AM
3 moms liked this

Like on most forums, the membership doesn't necessarily represent the national average ... simply because people facing a particular problem tend to actively seek "fellow sufferers", and the internet makes such groups more accessible.

I have spent years on a fathers' forum ... and most of them kept wondering why the "dads" (i.e. all of them) didn't lobby more, why they didn't fight back. Fact is, however, that (at least where I am, in the UK), most couples manage to amicably (well, more or less) agree on their children's future, mediation has a very high success rate over here ... and COs are not as common as they are in the US.

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