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BM - dead or alive - UPDATED # 3

Posted by on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:21 PM
  • 24 Replies

Now that I have your attention, this is the question for the SMs: Which situation is easier to deal with/handle

a) BM is alive and have 50/50 custody.

b) BM is alive and have full custody.

c) BM is alive and BF has primary custody.

d) BM is dead aka passed away, BF has full custody.

A friend of mine got married to a widower with 2 girls. She said it has been tough to forge a connection with the SDs since they are constantly mouring their BM and comparing her to the BM. In the SDs' minds, the BM was perfect and she was their dad's perfect match in every way.  Any of you encounter the same situations? How did you deal with it?

UPDATE#1

The BM passed away 2 yrs before my friend started dating the BF. They dated roughly for 1 yr. They got married when the SDs were 7 and 9 and now the SDs are 9 and 11. I don't know when the BM and the BF got married or if the SDs are still closed to the BM's family.  I know the BF still have contacts with the ex-in law even after his 2nd marriage with my friend.

UPDATE#2 the SDs are 10 and 12. They spend 1/2 day on 12/24  and 1/2 day on the day their mom's pass away with their BM's family.

UPDATED #3

Thanks for all the replies. My friend had a heart-to-heart talk with her SDs. They cried and then they laughed together. It's a good thing for my friend since she is pregnant with a twins. She doesn't need further distance and any more conflict with her SDs.  I am sure the SDs will want to help when the babies come.  I heard somewhere that new-born brings people together. That's what I am wishing for me friend.

by on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:21 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ElizabethGracie
by on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:28 PM
5 moms liked this

I'm not a stepmom and I'm not quite sure how I wandered onto this post but anyway....

My best friend once said,"Never marry a widower,because no matter how horrible the wife was when she was alive,the bitch went and martyred herself by dying." I thought that was interesting and probably true,especially when it comes to marrying a widower with kids.

CafeMom Tickers

"Live as if you have faith and faith will be given to you"

SMInProgress
by on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:29 PM
2 moms liked this

C) BM lives & we have sole custody of 1 skid. Though she has been claiming she is dying for the past 10 years...she is on to her 3rd "rare" illness & though can never remember the illness's name & miraculously has never had surgery or treatment for any of those rare diseases. But does claiming to be on death's door count anywhere? :) 

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:31 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm not a SM but I have to ask, how long was your friends DH a widower (widow is the woman, widower is the man) prior to meeting your friend?  How long did they date prior to marriage?  How old were the kids when their mom died?  When their BF met their SM?  When their BF and SM married?  Also, are the kids still close to BMs family? 

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:32 PM

it depends on the circumstances with any. in 50/50, parents need to constantly communicate, and if they dont communicate well, it makes for constant drama.

if BM has primary, it could be great if they either A dont communicate much or B. communicate well, or it could be constant drama and with holding of visits.

if BD has primary, again there may be constant drama. if BM is around but not fit then she may be on a pedestal. if she is absent, you have skids dealing with abandonment.

if BM is dead, well then you have skids who are dealing with grief and loss and that isnt fun either :(

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:34 PM
2 moms liked this

 lol YEP unearned martyrdom. BM's mom was a heroin addict who left the kids for days in filth and lost custody and a few months later, died on the back of a harley but "she is an angel in heaven" according to BM. i dont judge the dead but by all accounts, she was not a perfect mother.

Quoting ElizabethGracie:

I'm not a stepmom and I'm not quite sure how I wandered onto this post but anyway....

My best friend once said,"Never marry a widower,because no matter how horrible the wife was when she was alive,the bitch went and martyred herself by dying." I thought that was interesting and probably true,especially when it comes to marrying a widower with kids.

 

 
        
         

spicy0425
by on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:36 PM

The BM passed away 2 yrs before my friend started dating the BF. They dated roughly for 1 yr. They got married when the SDs were 7 and 9 and now the SDs are 9 and 11. I don't know when the BM and the BF got married or if the SDs are still closed to the BM's family.  I know the BF still have contacts with the ex-in law even after his 2nd marriage with my friend.


Quoting jules2boys:

I'm not a SM but I have to ask, how long was your friends DH a widower (widow is the woman, widower is the man) prior to meeting your friend?  How long did they date prior to marriage?  How old were the kids when their mom died?  When their BF met their SM?  When their BF and SM married?  Also, are the kids still close to BMs family? 



ramita
by Silver Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:41 PM
C-my DH has custody with BM having only 1 hour supervised visits per week that she doesn't take.

I can see how that situation would arise. I think your friend should take a step back from her step kids and let them know she doesn't want to replace their mom, and act like it (if she already doesn't). In that situation more than almost any other I could see and understand the kids feeling that she is trying to replace mom especially if the relationship progressed quickly or if it happened soon after their mother passed.
babie113
by Bronze Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:41 PM
1 mom liked this

a is easiest to Handel . i mean my sd compares me to bm all the time and tries to make me out in a bad light .its very hurtful but we all know the truth .

skids that bm died i cant imagine how hard they are going to be .its going to be thrown in her face all the time .i hope they get family counselling because i think it would help the kids move on .


p.s i am in situation c. and no no its not easy at all my sd bm lives out of state and sd has a lot of abondonment issues .also im left to be the parent dh is a trucker so hes gone alot ive pretty much raised my sd but i still get no respect i get no praise .everything i do is made out to be bad because "im not mom" but i have no choice but to do the "motherly" things that bm should be doing .sd hates me because of it :(


KLBrown
by Bronze Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:54 PM
Considering the kids' ages, I'd say that was too soon. They weren't given time to grieve.


Quoting spicy0425:

The BM passed away 2 yrs before my friend started dating the BF. They dated roughly for 1 yr. They got married when the SDs were 7 and 9 and now the SDs are 9 and 11. I don't know when the BM and the BF got married or if the SDs are still closed to the BM's family.  I know the BF still have contacts with the ex-in law even after his 2nd marriage with my friend.



Quoting jules2boys:

I'm not a SM but I have to ask, how long was your friends DH a widower (widow is the woman, widower is the man) prior to meeting your friend?  How long did they date prior to marriage?  How old were the kids when their mom died?  When their BF met their SM?  When their BF and SM married?  Also, are the kids still close to BMs family? 





jules2boys
by Gold Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:58 PM
1 mom liked this

Ok.  Again, not a SM but here are my thoughts.  :)

The girls were young, BM never did any wrong that they knew about (nor cared to remember, which is normal/natural).  And, that's OK.  Comparing people, well, they can learn not to do that.  SM can answer with "you're right, your BM was a beautiful woman who loved you two very much.  I'm sure she's sad not to be here with you anymore and I know you're sad and are missing her very much too.  That's ok.  SM could point out (or perhaps it's better if BF does this?) that BF/SM don't compare the girls (or they shouldn't often) that the girls are unique individuals and have their own good (and bad) qualities, and that's how every human is made.  It's the same between BM and SM.  They each have their good (and bad, even if the girls didn't see it, I'm sure BMs mom did from time to time. ;) ) qualities, and being different is good too.

If the girls spend time with BMs family, if her DH is still friendly with BMs family, maybe they'll help the girls talk about their mom and understand that SM isn't trying to replace their BM, no one could, but that she's an asset to them since BM isn't here to do some things on her own?  (or, maybe they can save all the 'bm is better than sm' talk for when they're with BMs family only)  If BM had a favorite recipe or sewed something or had a particular talent, maybe SM can help the girls learn that to be like their mom or have that connection with their mom? 

I'm not sure one situation (BM dead or alive and involved to some extent) is 'better' than another, I think that would depend on all individuals in the situation to make it better or worse. 

Quoting spicy0425:

The BM passed away 2 yrs before my friend started dating the BF. They dated roughly for 1 yr. They got married when the SDs were 7 and 9 and now the SDs are 9 and 11. I don't know when the BM and the BF got married or if the SDs are still closed to the BM's family.  I know the BF still have contacts with the ex-in law even after his 2nd marriage with my friend.


Quoting jules2boys:

I'm not a SM but I have to ask, how long was your friends DH a widower (widow is the woman, widower is the man) prior to meeting your friend?  How long did they date prior to marriage?  How old were the kids when their mom died?  When their BF met their SM?  When their BF and SM married?  Also, are the kids still close to BMs family? 





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