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Needing a little advice!! :)

Posted by on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:24 PM
  • 38 Replies

Hi there,

I am needing a little advice from other step-mom's, but please no bashing! My husband and I have 4 kids. The oldest 3 are from his first marriage and 2 of them are boys and they play football. We also have a little girl who is less than a year old. 

My husband comes home from work at the same time as me, around 3:00. We try to eat dinner together, but then he always leaves around 4:30 to go watch the boys practice until 8:30. That leaves me to do all the clean up, take care of all the housework, dinner and bath time for the baby and getting all of my stuff ready for the next day.

When he isn't at the boys' practice, he is playing softball and the baby and I go with him. I feel like I need a little more time with him, but he feels that since he is doing something for the family, he is justified in leaving for 4 hours everyday.

I need not only a little more alone time with him, but help with housework, the baby and maybe a little alone time for myself... I'm just not too sure how to approach the situation.

Any advice will help, but again, I don't need any bashing.

Thanks!!!

by on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:24 PM
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Replies (1-10):
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:34 PM
1 mom liked this

They have football year round?

Is this a problem because these are your stepkids?  if not, then you just have a plain and simple "getting used to a new baby and redefining household roles problem".

How old are all the kids?  Do they live with you full-time?  What does the third skid do while dad is at football practive with the boys?

Time to renegotiate.  Figure out specificaly what you need and start talking.  Maybe you need a date night.  Are any of the kids old enough to babysit?

Maybe you leave the dishes for DH when he gets home?

Maybe you hire a babysitter for a few days every week.  Get creative.

When babies are born, things change.  Hopefully you and your DH can work it out.

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:43 PM

I'm assuming football practice is 5 days a week (it's either 4 or 5 days a week here, depending on the age of the players).  If so, ask DH if he'd consent to working his way down to 1 - 2 days a week going to football practice (I also go to all of ODS15's EC practices, I love being there, I 'get' why your DH would want to be there too, I think).  Then 1 night a week can be for softball for him.  The other 2 nights (his choice on the nights even) he's home, with you, the baby, his other child, and helping with things around the house. 

Was he doing this (going out each weeknight) when you were dating?  Before the baby came along?  Did you talk to him about cutting back some?  Also, don't 'hint'.  Men don't often take 'hints' to be the way women mean them.  Spell it out for him.

luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 7:47 PM
2 moms liked this

I agree with PPs, for the most part.  I dont see why he needs to go watch their practice every single day.  he should be willing to cut down to once or twice a week, he has a baby at home and a wife who need his time too.

dad needs to learn to redistribute his time to accomodate his growing family.

ramita
by Silver Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 8:33 PM
1 mom liked this
Here's my opinion, if its only football they play let him go to the practices, but he should limit his time away if there is not football practice for his kids. Also, I think he needs to help out some more. He should do the dishes when he gets home, or clean counters and floors, or do laundry. Whatever it is that he prefers to do, even if its just that he's the one who cooks every night.
surprisedmom22
by Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 9:56 PM
1 mom liked this

Have you told him how you feel?

iSMILEheCRIES
by Bronze Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 10:47 PM
I know you don't want to take the baby to football every night, but maybe one night a week you and DH could do "dinner then football" together. I think if you change your routine he might realize you are doing it because there is a problem. I agree he is gone too much (nothing to do with the fact he is with his kids). I think its just a matter or realizing a new baby means adjustments
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 5, 2013 at 10:59 PM
Football! I'm so glad my son is not in to football! He is still little so just soccer for now but very much less demanding.

I have the same issues with getting my husband to help with housework. I often go on strike and that starts to bother him. I also load his office up with crap and so he will start cleaning up after his desk starts to get cluttered. I stopped cooking a while back and declared cereal nights. He started cooking. I only did my laundry and the kids and when he ran out of under wear, he did his own. I moved my stuff to the kids bathroom and stopped using the master. He realized what a nasty mess he had become and he started cleaning that too. I've tried talking to my husband and he does well for a few weeks. But then falls back in to his old habits. So i get passive aggressive with him. It works for the most part.
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KLBrown
by Bronze Member on Aug. 6, 2013 at 10:12 AM
1 mom liked this

Idk, football's pretty serious for us, and there's an end date. I'd just deal with it. Around this time every year, I laugh and tell SO "see you in November!" It's temporary.

Wicked.Jester
by on Aug. 6, 2013 at 10:42 AM

 He shouldn't be using all the time off from football practice for himself.

Where is YOUR off time?

Talk to him, tell him time that the boys arent practice is split between him getting a break, you getting a break, and the two of you working on the house together.

Wicked.Jester
by on Aug. 6, 2013 at 10:44 AM

 Why would you ask if this is a problem because they are stepkids?

She says that NOWHERE in her post and I wouldn't expect a rude assumption like that to be made in a stepmoms group.

Quoting pdxmum:

They have football year round?

Is this a problem because these are your stepkids?  if not, then you just have a plain and simple "getting used to a new baby and redefining household roles problem".

How old are all the kids?  Do they live with you full-time?  What does the third skid do while dad is at football practive with the boys?

Time to renegotiate.  Figure out specificaly what you need and start talking.  Maybe you need a date night.  Are any of the kids old enough to babysit?

Maybe you leave the dishes for DH when he gets home?

Maybe you hire a babysitter for a few days every week.  Get creative.

When babies are born, things change.  Hopefully you and your DH can work it out.

 

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