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Custody and Effort

Posted by on Aug. 14, 2013 at 1:40 PM
  • 115 Replies

There are many women on this board who say they help with homework, cook, clean, take the kids where they need to go, etc for their husband when he has custody.

Yet, the moms on here who have custody have stated they do the "work" ... they do the errands, the caretaking, etc.

What is the difference between women putting in the effort when they have custody vs. men putting in the effort when they do?

And let's just cut out the bs excuse of he has to work because moms work, too.  What is the real reason these SM's are doing the work for their husbands? 

by on Aug. 14, 2013 at 1:40 PM
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Replies (1-10):
WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Aug. 14, 2013 at 1:43 PM

I do the work for DH on certain days and he does the work for me on the other days.  We don't separate that he does things for SS's and I do for DS's.

But, I'm also not doing it all while he sits on his happy ass doing nothing so I might be different from what you are talking about.

packermomof2
by on Aug. 14, 2013 at 1:54 PM



Quoting WifeyC:

I do the work for DH on certain days and he does the work for me on the other days.  We don't separate that he does things for SS's and I do for DS's.

But, I'm also not doing it all while he sits on his happy ass doing nothing so I might be different from what you are talking about.


You are different.  I'm talking about the ones who "have" to do it all because their man works or the ones whose husband makes sure that the schools and doctors offices know they can talk to the SM instead of him dealing with those things himself.  The ones who say they are "doing mom's job' in dad's home and if mom wanted to do these things she needs to step up instead of seeing that they are just enabling dad when they are doing the work because mom can't do it in SM's home.  The ones who do the majority of the work and childcare for their husband.

Help is one thing, I get that.  I get help.  But I also manage to deal with schools and doctors (even though I work), I manage to make the rules for my kids and enforce them and I manage to deal with the brunt of the work that comes with being a parent.  I don't get the women feeling the have to do what they do for their husband instead of him doing it.

kim8934
by on Aug. 14, 2013 at 1:55 PM
2 moms liked this

I take care of the things I know w/kids, SF helps out with kids on his area of expertise...like cars, machinery, etc.  BD & SM help out where they can.  everyone plays in active role in teaching or helping out the kids where they can.

Graceplustwo
by on Aug. 14, 2013 at 1:56 PM
2 moms liked this
Well I'm a sahm so if dh didn't work. There would be no home for us, dd or his kids to visit
And I watch skids while bm works also so am I doing her job too since she has to work
Motherof3inNJ
by Member on Aug. 14, 2013 at 2:01 PM
1 mom liked this



Quoting Graceplustwo:

Well I'm a sahm so if dh didn't work. There would be no home for us, dd or his kids to visit
And I watch skids while bm works also so am I doing her job too since she has to work

I disagree with the part in bold. Yes BM has to work but what if you were not available to watch the kids? Then they would go to daycare which would be more costly for your DH who would be ordered to pay half. You are just eliminating that bill.


packermomof2
by on Aug. 14, 2013 at 2:01 PM
1 mom liked this



Quoting Graceplustwo:

Well I'm a sahm so if dh didn't work. There would be no home for us, dd or his kids to visit
And I watch skids while bm works also so am I doing her job too since she has to work


You babysit for mom. You're nice to do that.  But she could always pay someone to do it and have your husband pay for half of that.  Or you could charge her since she is using you in that capacity.  But you aren't doing her job for her - she takes care of her kids and works.  If she didn't work would you complain?  

Daycare providers aren't doing the parents job -I've yet to meet a daycare provider (outside of some SMs) who feel they are raising the kids.  They are doing what the parent says to do, following the parents rules, and they know they aren't parenting or doing the parents job.

ChelseNichole
by Chelse on Aug. 14, 2013 at 2:04 PM

For us it depends. We both help with HW. Obviously SS5's hw is simple for both of us to help with. But SS14 is going into 9th grade this year....there are certain subjects each of us are more comfortable or more knowledgeable about. For example...English was was always my favorite and best subject so I usually help him with that. Same with history/social studies. I was also really good with that. Not to mention that I am still currently taking courses towards my degree so I'm in that mind set. I am terrible at Math and Science...but SO is really good at both so he takes over in those subjects.

Regarding cooking, I am the better cook, and I enjoy cooking. So I do it most often. My SO is capable of cooking...he doesnt make "meals" like I do...but if Im tired or dont fee like cooking he will cook something quick instead. He ALWAYS cleans up after dinner when I cook, which I REALLY appreciate. As far as cleaning... I am a clean freak. Again, SO cleans up as well... but him cleaning and me cleaning...different levels lol. Everytime I clean he makes jokes or asks if we're having a party etc. lol

In terms of driving the kids places....we take turns really....whoever wants to do it does.... and that's really it. Same with baths for SS5 ....We both do them... if SO is tied up with something then I will do it and vice versa.

For us, it's a partnership. I dont expect him to do EVERYTHING regarding his kids by his self because they are "his" kids. It wouldnt be that way if they were both of our kids...So I personally dont feel like it should be that way just because they arent. I feel like when I chose to be with a man who had children, I chose to take on some of those responsibilties. Don't get me wrong, I know that by no means am required to do what I do...but I view it as a partnership in all aspects.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Aug. 14, 2013 at 2:07 PM

 not sure. i do pick up some slack for SO but he does most of it. i have three kids of my own, i didnt give birth to six. i do love his kids but if they are here i prefer he spend time w them. id only want primary if for some reason BM couldnt... id be ok w 50/50 but again hed need to do the heavy lifting.

Graceplustwo
by on Aug. 14, 2013 at 2:08 PM
Ok well I'm just babysitting for dh too while he works then? According to that theroy. And yes I don't have to watch skids while she works but I don't mind and dd loves her brothers.


Quoting packermomof2:




Quoting Graceplustwo:

Well I'm a sahm so if dh didn't work. There would be no home for us, dd or his kids to visit

And I watch skids while bm works also so am I doing her job too since she has to work



You babysit for mom. You're nice to do that.  But she could always pay someone to do it and have your husband pay for half of that.  Or you could charge her since she is using you in that capacity.  But you aren't doing her job for her - she takes care of her kids and works.  If she didn't work would you complain?  

Daycare providers aren't doing the parents job -I've yet to meet a daycare provider (outside of some SMs) who feel they are raising the kids.  They are doing what the parent says to do, following the parents rules, and they know they aren't parenting or doing the parents job.


newstepmom61811
by on Aug. 14, 2013 at 2:08 PM
2 moms liked this

I think you hit the nail on the head...these are the exact women who we end up seeing struggle with feeling used, unappreciated, and ultimately role confused...They are doing too much...there isn't a balance or is at least an unhealthy one...My DH has custody because he wants to be there...I had to chuckle when I read all the posts and replies about PTCs...you know I'm one of the most active CSMs because of BMs absence...now it's at a new level...she really is gone...took off out of state with flavor of the month...no idea when she'll be back...no contact with the kids since she left...I personally do like the FERPA laws protecting my involvement for the rare circumstances like mine...funny thing is...DH still handles PTCs mostly on his own...I attend usually just the first one of the year to be in the loop...but the balance in my home is good...I'm a taxi, cook, nurse all the little things I love doing with the kids to show I care but the bottom line is my DH fought for custody because he wanted to do those things and more...he does the heavy lifting...the big life lessons, discipline, education etc...he wants to do it, does it...I'm thinking thats the exact reasoning behind many moms fight for custody. Now I like having the rights to jump in (so I have a POA signed and things like FERPA and some of my unique state laws) and help in a pinch if needed to keep the home flowing smoothly because realistically...there really is no other parent here...she's on the birth certificate but really to watch her involvement...she'd offend the sensibilities of decent mothers.

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