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Long distance relationship w/ BF that has a kid

Posted by on Aug. 15, 2013 at 8:27 PM
  • 45 Replies

 

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Question: Should I leave my bf?

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Total Votes: 27

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This is my first time reaching out to others who have been in my position. I'm tired of hearing, "Well you knew he had a kid." Yes I knew but I didn't UNDERSTAND how hard it would be! I'm sorry if this is too long but I'm desperate!

I'm a 22 yo college student, living in NY. My bf is 23, goes to school and works in Ohio. He's very loving. We've been dating for 2 years, his daughter is 5. She's a good kid but sooo spoiled. She started crying over a bag of chips that she said her daddy didn't open for her, which was open and shows how little she tries. You can't tell her anything, in any tone, without her crying and whimpering that she wants her mommy. Which is a lie because I tell her ok and to get her shoes on and she shuts up. She clings to me all day because she loves me but recently I've been distancing myself.

Everything started falling apart last summer when I met his ex. Just being in the same room with her, hearing her being called mommy, made me so sad. She wasn't a name anymore, she was a person. I walked out and started crying in the bathroom. My bf couldn't understand why and he just kept saying how I blew it with his ex. I then tried to apologize to her and she just said not to talk to her, ever, and to have a nice life (very mean and sarcastically). Now the kid says she tells her mommy she doesn't like me because her mommy hates me.

I am far from my friends and family when I visit. I am trying so hard to just get over the fact that the person I love started a family already but it's not easy. I get so depressed that I pretend I'm sleeping all day. Sometimes I hide in the closet to just get myself together. I get anxious when the phone rings or if a car pulls up because it might be his ex. Anything about pregnancy or teen parents in the news or tv puts me in a bad mood. The worst part is that no one understands. Literally every single person I've talked to has just brushed it off saying that I knew he had a kid. I tried talking to my bf's mom. I said it's hard being with someone with a kid and she got mad and said "That's my granbaby you're talking about! My pride and joy!" I just wanted to say well, your granbaby was a teenage mistake so you got nothing to be proud about. I am so bitter now. I get treated like I'm an a**hole for being human.

Does it get easier? I love him so much, even though it's tough being with him I'm still sad that summer is ending and I'll have to leave again. I'm starting to wonder if I should just never come back.

by on Aug. 15, 2013 at 8:27 PM
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Replies (1-10):
SMInProgress
by on Aug. 15, 2013 at 8:33 PM
1 mom liked this

Honestly? Leave. You have your whole life ahead of you. A life without kids until you are ready to have them :)

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Aug. 15, 2013 at 9:26 PM
3 moms liked this

If you are being completely honest here, yes, leave him now.  You are young, and you are NOT ready to be in a childs life that isn't your own.  5 year olds cry, whine, and play dumb.  They are also very smart.  That sounds like a contridiction but, at 5, they can turn on you in an instant and the stupidest things make them instantly happy again, or sad again.  That's 5.  Heck, that's a lot of ages in childhood.  You are clearly not ready for this. 

Let him go.  Let him find someone who doesn't think of his child as a teenage mistake.  Let him find someone who is more mature and ready for a relationship with him, and eventually his DD too.  Then, take the time to find someone who does NOT have children yet.  You're in college, there are many people around you that could have potential.  This does not sound like the right relationship for you. 

Talk to him frankly and tell him YOU are not ready for all he has to offer (a ready made family).  It's not his 5yo's fault, it's not even BMs fault.  This is on you.  He has a child, there is no changing that.  And you're not ready (emotionally) to make the changes needed to accept that.  Nothing wrong with not being ready to make those changes though, that's normal.  Not all 22yo's are ready to be a 'family'.  You may love him 'so much' but, you WILL love again.  If it's meant to be with this 23yo, the time apart will help too. 

metally
by on Aug. 15, 2013 at 9:32 PM

Thank you :) 

So, it doesn't get easier?


Quoting SMInProgress:

Honestly? Leave. You have your whole life ahead of you. A life without kids until you are ready to have them :)



soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Aug. 15, 2013 at 9:51 PM
3 moms liked this

I just wanted to say well, your granbaby was a teenage mistake so you got nothing to be proud about. I am so bitter now.


End this relationship now

SMInProgress
by on Aug. 15, 2013 at 9:53 PM
2 moms liked this

Afraid not sweets.  After the honeymoon love everything about you period, comes the what did I get myself into period.  Picture this, the little girl will grow into a preteen then into a full blown teenager.  The BM sounds like she will make it harder for you to truly bond with "her daughter". The mother of your BF will always try to have a say as she thinks her son already screwed up his young life. And you will soon look at your boyfriend as a little weak & not able to control his life based on the other 3 females in his life (and your life if you stay) always. If you have a baby with him, money may get tight with 2 kids &/or child support.  You will never be able to go on that impromptu Orbitz deal to Bali for a week whenever you want to without checking in. Instead you will resent having to spend money on trips to LegoLand with the daughter crying in the hotel room for dad's attention.  If you're not ready for that, find another life you want to live :)  Good luck!

Quoting metally:

Thank you :) 

So, it doesn't get easier?


Quoting SMInProgress:

Honestly? Leave. You have your whole life ahead of you. A life without kids until you are ready to have them :)




lazyd
by New Member on Aug. 15, 2013 at 10:14 PM

I think you should leave, and it's just not about the child, but cuz you are still young and it is a long distance relationship, which I think is hard on anyone, especially the little girl.   NOT defending HER actions, but you two cant truly bond if you live so far away.  Maybe it wouldnt be so tough if you guys lived together.  I take it you dont have a job?  You are still in college in the prime of your life and probably working towards a "career".  I KNOW you love this guy, but maybe he is holding you back, especially since he has a kid already?  Right now, you need to work on YOUR goals in life and i dont think it is just the kid holding you back, but your BF.  HAD you thought of into the future what you want to do in life?  ARE you ready to "settle down" right now?  And NO i dont think it is selfish to feel this way or want to work on your goals in life.  If you dont work on "you" right now, you will resent your BF and his daughter for the rest of your life for holding you back.  So unless once you graduate from college and move to Ohio (if this is truly what you want?) and are ready to live with your BF full time and be a step mom and have to live close to BF's mom??  Dont keep dragging this out if you dont see a future with this guy - thats not fair to anyone.    

DDDaysh
by on Aug. 15, 2013 at 10:17 PM
2 moms liked this
So, what I got from what you wrote is that you only love him when you don't have to deal with his real life. Between that and the distance, I don't think you really love HIM at all. I think you like him when he's in irresponsible mode and love the idea of being in love. That's just not enough.

You cannot go through life thinking of your stepchild as a mistake, not if you want to be happy. You can't break into tears because his daughter calls her mother "mommy". That's a little nuts actually. And you seem to really dislike his child for displaying normal five-year-old behaviors.

Be honest with yourself. You wish his kid didn't exist. That isn't something that is going to "get better" and it is NO way to start a family.
DDDaysh
by on Aug. 15, 2013 at 10:20 PM
And... Btw... Not being ready to be a stepmom at 22 doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes your relationship non-functional because he is a parent.

Drumama
by Member on Aug. 15, 2013 at 10:23 PM

Teenage mistake or not, she is there and will be forever, as will her mom. Everyone makes poor choices in life. Sometimes they end up with a child over it.

I feel ya. But, you knew he had a kid. It is true. You get into knowing, but not understanding. You deal with emotions you wouldn't have to deal with if you didn't get invovled with someone with a kid.

IMO, you don't get involved with a person who shares a child with another person, if your involvement is going to take the child from one of the parents.  I doesn't sound like you are asking your BF to allow your relationship with him to affect the childs relationship with the mom. So score one for you! Sorry, my SSs new SF is a douche and this is my current soapbox.

Your being in his life should have little to no affect on the relationship she already has with both of her parents.

Now, that said, it may get easier, but you have to remember that in some or maybe many ways you don't come first. Are you going to be okay with that?

You are young, is this what you want?

Anything about teen pregnancy has always put me in a bad mood, even when I was a teen, long before I entered my situation. It may not be the "end of the world," but it isn't a good thing, either.


If I was you I would find someone else, without that sort of obligation.

metally
by on Aug. 15, 2013 at 10:47 PM

I wanted to say it because I was angry. That's not how I view her existance. I'm just looking for advice, that's why I'm here. I am getting bitter because I try so hard and do so much for her but I'm not getting much support.

Quoting soonergirl980:

I just wanted to say well, your granbaby was a teenage mistake so you got nothing to be proud about. I am so bitter now.


End this relationship now



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