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UPDATE: therapy?

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2013 at 6:09 PM
  • 10 Replies
UPDATE: SD's first appt went well and she will be going back. DH typed out a timeline of where the kids lived at what points for the therapist. Unfortunately, DH couldn't go to the appt so I went in to speak to the therapist before hand. I told SD about the timeline and also told her I would mention some other concerns and she didn't ask what or even seem to care. I gave the therapist the 5 minute run down and, oh my gosh, the look on her face said it all. I think she will be a good match for SD. After the appt the therapist asked if she wanted to come back and gave me the "mom look" suggesting she should so we set up the next appt. I was most surprised about the trip home, SD talked the whole way. On the way out of the office, to make her understand that I believe therapy CAN help, I mentioned that both me and my son see docs in the same office. And she was so interested in why other people go to therapy- she literally talked for the whole 30 minutes home, given it wasn't about herself or her appt, but I think it was a positive sign that she left therapy feeling bright! Also due to a surprise c-section (for me) it fell on the same day as her next appt, I could tell just the thought that she couldn't go to the appt bothered her... when I told her I had already rescheduled it for only 6 days later you woulda thought I had bought her diamonds!!!! .....................................................Sorry my CM is all jacked up and won't let me space or make paragraphs- orignal post is below................................................................. Backstory- DH is raising his ex-wifes 2 teens. He met them when they were 1 and 2 so they grew up with him being Dad. Mom left when kids were 12ish and kids lived with DH with almost no contact with mom. Mom came back 2 years ago and took kids to TX, BM died in May and kids came back here. Ok, now the question. SD is 16 and said she feels depressed so we called and got her in with a therapist- she starts next week. DH and I are unsure what to do or say to the therapist. I was told when I set up the appt that normally the family or just the parents meet with the therapist briefly to discuss "issues" or "goals." I think the therapist needs to be told by DH about the "timeline" of when the kids lived where because they are constantly mixing up facts (saying things like didn't I meet you when i was 5?- and I think that the timeline plays a large factor in "how the kids were raised"). We also want to tell the therapist about some of the things we know happened while SD was living with BM and also the 22 year old MALE caregiver. We think a lot of issues stem from both of those situations. But we don't want SD to feel like we "ratted her out" but I don't know if she will open up about either of those topics. Right now she is in the "BM was a saint" stage of grief and I understand it is normal, but again it won't be productive to therapy. DH and I are in this together, and tend to agree that we need to talk to the therapist but we don't want to interfere too much with SD's appt. So what would you do? Some of the BM issues we are talking about is prostitution, leaving kids for days at a time, drugs, child services taking the kids, blaming a still birth on "wasting time trying to get her kids back from child services".... just so you know we aren't talking "mommy made me do the dishes" issues.
by on Aug. 17, 2013 at 6:09 PM
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Replies (1-10):
SMInProgress
by on Aug. 17, 2013 at 6:16 PM
1 mom liked this

You have to just come out & tell the therapist. There's no ratting out. You want your skid to get professional help? Then you have to help the professionals.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Aug. 17, 2013 at 6:17 PM

If your therapist is any good, he/she will ask the questions of DH, the child and possibly you that he/she thinks are relevant. Answer them honestly.  IF you don't feel good about the therapist or the child doesn't, find another.  Some are better than others, especially when it comes to loss or blended families.

For now, let the professional run the show.  Answer honestly.  Perception is reality for most and 3 people can have the same experience but interpret it and process it very differently. 

Just be honest and supportive.

runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Aug. 17, 2013 at 6:19 PM

I think this is important information for the therapist to have a better understanding of the depth of the situation in order to really help your SD, but that she doesn't particularly need to let SD know that she knows those details. Maybe when you talk to therapist, you could ensure she plans to keep the information confidential and not bring it up unless SD herself shares it?

Linagma03
by Member on Aug. 17, 2013 at 6:31 PM

You tell the therapist what you know, you tell the therapist the timeline. Then the therapist has goals that he/she can work toward. 

I put my grandson in therapy for many reasons that have led to his severe depression. I told the therapist the issues going on. 

iSMILEheCRIES
by Bronze Member on Aug. 17, 2013 at 9:35 PM
I wasn't sure the therapist would do the whole "keep a secret" thing. I think it would be useful for the therapist to know the facts so she understands where SD is coming from emotionally, but not so much that BM's past deeds are part of the problem. I'm gonna call Monday and see if I can run up there before hand "off the record" and give the therapist the timeline DH wrote down and tell her the "this is what we know for fact about BMs past, these are the rumors, and these are our suspicions about the 22year old male caregiver" I'm hoping the therapist will keep most of it a secret and use it as a tool to ask the right questions. I just don't think at this stage it is good for SD to feel like anyone (me, DH, the therapist) are talking bad about her mom- fact or not- just feel like it would hurt her relationships with us and we are all she has. thank you for the advice
Quoting runinpinkshoes:

I think this is important information for the therapist to have a better understanding of the depth of the situation in order to really help your SD, but that she doesn't particularly need to let SD know that she knows those details. Maybe when you talk to therapist, you could ensure she plans to keep the information confidential and not bring it up unless SD herself shares it?

iSMILEheCRIES
by Bronze Member on Aug. 17, 2013 at 9:43 PM
I agree totally, me and Dh are just at confused how to do this without hurting SD and having her feel like we are talking bad about her mom. The therapist needs the facts for this to be successful, but SD also needs to feel like we are on her side and I think if we (no matter if it is me or DH) tell the dirty dirty on her mom then she will feel like we betrayed her, kinda like we could do more harm than good. I just want to help her, I told her when she asked for help she had already done the hardest part and me and daddy would do the next hard part and MAKE her follow through. Thank you for your help. I'm just kinda up in the air about the fine line between help and hurt blockquote class="quotedText">Quoting SMInProgress:

You have to just come out & tell the therapist. There's no ratting out. You want your skid to get professional help? Then you have to help the professionals.

spicy0425
by Silver Member on Aug. 18, 2013 at 12:50 PM

(I hope I understood your post correctly)>

First of all, My hat off to you and your DH for taking in and caring for the 2 kids who aren't bioligically yours. That's a very honorable action!!

I think the facts and the true will help the kids heal and get well faster since they seems to shy away from reality and from what actually happened. The professional with actual events can provide them help because their professional talks/opinions will not based on fantasy/false based info. 

I hope they get the help they needed. Urg. I feel for the kids.



lnr187
by on Aug. 18, 2013 at 3:41 PM

 it is important that the therapist know everything in order to help sd the most.

iSMILEheCRIES
by Bronze Member on Aug. 18, 2013 at 4:26 PM
1 mom liked this
Yep, you got it right. To DH they are "his" kids, so I came into the picture with the same midset so that helped a lot too. And thanks for the reconfirmation that the truth will help the most in the long run
Quoting spicy0425:

(I hope I understood your post correctly)>

First of all, My hat off to you and your DH for taking in and caring for the 2 kids who aren't bioligically yours. That's a very honorable action!!

I think the facts and the true will help the kids heal and get well faster since they seems to shy away from reality and from what actually happened. The professional with actual events can provide them help because their professional talks/opinions will not based on fantasy/false based info. 

I hope they get the help they needed. Urg. I feel for the kids.



iSMILEheCRIES
by Bronze Member on Aug. 27, 2013 at 3:01 PM
bump for update
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