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Help me find a reason why...

Posted by on Aug. 18, 2013 at 8:44 PM
  • 86 Replies
Let me preface with saying I am DEEP into a personal pity party. I will not get to have a moment to indulge in anything for myself once SD16 comes home, so I guess I am holding off on my 'suck it up and move on' attitude a bit. Please don't be mean.

Short story: SD16 has been in and out of residential mental facilities for nine months. Prior to that, she had extensive home-based therapies for her issues that she only superficially participated in. She has lived with us for five years - prior to that, she lived with bipolar schizoaffective BM and abusive SF. She spent weekends with alcoholic GPs. She has just been diagnosed bipolar II. SD16 places all the blame for everything in her life on me. BM is dead. Despite a complete lack of progress with family therapy, she will likely be released within 60 days. She will be in my care 24/7 as DH has an amazing job opportunity with huge long term benefits that cannot be taken at any other time. Everything will be on me.

Please help me find a reason why I should do this...my children have been hurt (DS16, DD14, DS2, and DD8 months), I have been hurt, and our life is a chaotic nightmare with SD. I love my husband so much and this is the ONLY reason I can find to pit us all through this again. I am so deep in sadness and anger - please help me find a reason to do this.
by on Aug. 18, 2013 at 8:44 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Rae706
by Silver Member on Aug. 18, 2013 at 8:52 PM
1 mom liked this
It doesn't sound like you need a reason to do this, but a way out of doing it. How are DH's parents?
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Aug. 18, 2013 at 9:12 PM
His mother is toxic. She has never liked me or my kids. She feels that SD would be fine if DH left me. Recently, she told SD a bunch of stories about me that she felt were evidence of my manipulative characteristics. Together, MIL and SD were planning to have SD discharged to her care behind DH's back.

Despite all this, we will have to rely on her support with SD - it is the only way we would ever get any break. This will undoubetly increase SD's issues.


Quoting Rae706:

It doesn't sound like you need a reason to do this, but a way out of doing it. How are DH's parents?
luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Aug. 18, 2013 at 10:07 PM
2 moms liked this
Honestly, I would say no. I would tell dh no, that I won't do it, and he will need to arrange for round the clock care for any time that he is not present.
rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Aug. 18, 2013 at 10:52 PM
1 mom liked this
That's extremely tough. My SD13 is admitted to a mental hospital as we speak, they are looking into bipolar or schizophrenia as a diagnosis. Honestly I cannot imagine being her primary caregiver again (I have been for short periods). She now lives with BM primarily who is also bipolar, I really do not know how they function together but it works out for the most part. But if I had 4 other kids that she was having a negative impact on, I would be extremely resistant to having that responsibility and honestly burden. Then again, what other options do you have?
FindersKeepers
by on Aug. 18, 2013 at 11:06 PM
2 moms liked this

Maybe it would be best for SD to be in MILs care then.   If DH would allow it, it might be the easiest and safest situation for you and the other kids.  When DH gets back, he can work on acclimating her back into your home or have visitation with her when he is around.   Since it is a sensitive subject, you might need to find a way to make it seem like his idea.


Quoting HopesNDreams:

His mother is toxic. She has never liked me or my kids. She feels that SD would be fine if DH left me. Recently, she told SD a bunch of stories about me that she felt were evidence of my manipulative characteristics. Together, MIL and SD were planning to have SD discharged to her care behind DH's back.

Despite all this, we will have to rely on her support with SD - it is the only way we would ever get any break. This will undoubetly increase SD's issues.


Quoting Rae706:

It doesn't sound like you need a reason to do this, but a way out of doing it. How are DH's parents?


 

Rae706
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2013 at 9:27 AM
2 moms liked this


While she may be manipulating SD's opinion of you, that sounds like a better option than you putting your children at risk. Plus it sounds like SD has already made up her mind about you anyway. Why don't you just let her go?

Quoting HopesNDreams:

His mother is toxic. She has never liked me or my kids. She feels that SD would be fine if DH left me. Recently, she told SD a bunch of stories about me that she felt were evidence of my manipulative characteristics. Together, MIL and SD were planning to have SD discharged to her care behind DH's back.

Despite all this, we will have to rely on her support with SD - it is the only way we would ever get any break. This will undoubetly increase SD's issues.


Quoting Rae706:

It doesn't sound like you need a reason to do this, but a way out of doing it. How are DH's parents?



Birdseed
by Gold Member on Aug. 19, 2013 at 9:39 AM
2 moms liked this

This is such a complex situation.  The usual solutions just don't seem to fit.

"What would DH do if you weren't in the picture?"  I tried to work out the answers to that question on your behalf, thinking that maybe there would be some gem of an idea.  Thing is, if you weren't in the picture, I don't think DH COULD do it. He can't work AND take care of her. Those things are mutually exclusive.  And if I recall correctly, finances are such that he can't afford to hire a full time caregiver who is appropriately trained.

It seems you have drawn the short straw.  I hope your DH realizes how lucky he is that he's got you because he really couldn't do it on his own.  He'd have to make her a ward of the state.  

One thing I would strongly suggest is that you guys look into some sort of respite type care for at least a day or two per week so that you're not attached to SD 24/7/365.  You're going to need some time alone with your kids, alone with hubby, and just plain ALONE.  Since SD can't be left unattended, I think you should focus some energy on finding someone who is appropriately trained and can come into the home once in awhile.


HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2013 at 10:40 AM
I honestly believe she would make much better progress if she thought she was going to live at MIL's. However, DH won't consider it. I finally got him to compromise on doing it if SD crashes and burns after coming home. He doesn't want to give up on his daughter.

Quoting Rae706:


While she may be manipulating SD's opinion of you, that sounds like a better option than you putting your children at risk. Plus it sounds like SD has already made up her mind about you anyway. Why don't you just let her go?


Quoting HopesNDreams:

His mother is toxic. She has never liked me or my kids. She feels that SD would be fine if DH left me. Recently, she told SD a bunch of stories about me that she felt were evidence of my manipulative characteristics. Together, MIL and SD were planning to have SD discharged to her care behind DH's back.



Despite all this, we will have to rely on her support with SD - it is the only way we would ever get any break. This will undoubetly increase SD's issues.




Quoting Rae706:

It doesn't sound like you need a reason to do this, but a way out of doing it. How are DH's parents?




DeliteCrazy
by on Aug. 19, 2013 at 10:41 AM
For your sitch, I don't think I'd allow her to come home. If it was just her and you, it be workable, but you have other kids to be a mother to.
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HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2013 at 10:49 AM
You have it exactly right - if I wasn't there, he couldn't do it. He does know how lucky he is, but that is almost hurting me. Because he had me, I am trained in special needs, and am home, he feels I should be more than up for the challenge of this. More than once, he had said 'can't you just fix her?' The simple answer is that I can't do anything for her as long as she puts all the blame and anger on me. The best I can do is protect the other children and, maybe, myself.
Respite care is a good idea to look into. I'm not sure we would qualify, but it is worth a try. I'm sure we will be able to send her to MIL on the weekends, but rules and limits will not be imposed there and they will continue to trash talk me. It will be a short term fix for a problem that will create long term problems.


Quoting Birdseed:

This is such a complex situation.  The usual solutions just don't seem to fit.

"What would DH do if you weren't in the picture?"  I tried to work out the answers to that question on your behalf, thinking that maybe there would be some gem of an idea.  Thing is, if you weren't in the picture, I don't think DH COULD do it. He can't work AND take care of her. Those things are mutually exclusive.  And if I recall correctly, finances are such that he can't afford to hire a full time caregiver who is appropriately trained.

It seems you have drawn the short straw.  I hope your DH realizes how lucky he is that he's got you because he really couldn't do it on his own.  He'd have to make her a ward of the state.  

One thing I would strongly suggest is that you guys look into some sort of respite type care for at least a day or two per week so that you're not attached to SD 24/7/365.  You're going to need some time alone with your kids, alone with hubby, and just plain ALONE.  Since SD can't be left unattended, I think you should focus some energy on finding someone who is appropriately trained and can come into the home once in awhile.


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