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Friends with bm

Posted by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 3:50 PM
  • 28 Replies
Hello, I am new to this group and I am really looking for some help. BM is making life difficult by always texting or calling when we have the children to check on them. However when I have them she never ask me only him. So he calls or texts me then he responds to her to say they're okay. But then she compmains that I wont be her friend. Any help?
by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 3:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
EMMA6984
by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 3:53 PM
1 mom liked this

Tell her to stop texting him and that when they are with you guys, they are fine.... do you guys text her checking on them when they are with her? 

In my experience, she is trying to get him back and you have to put your foot down or it will progress. My husband's ex wife tried to do that and I had to put my foot down and tell her to stop texting him and to stop bugging us. I know they are her kids, but they are in danger in your care so tell her to take a chill pill or to come and get them. 

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Aug. 20, 2013 at 3:56 PM

Do you want to be her friend? Do you want to be in communication with her? 

I'm BM and I have NO desire to communicate with SM over anything to do with my kids.  If I have a problem with her (I don't, haven't for a while now) she's BFs to 'fix' or change the issue, or to tell me to butt out. 

I'm of the sarcastic sort, always have been (lovely family trait really).  If BF called/texted me often to check on the kids when they were with me, I'd have come up with some outrageous story to give him.  Really, unless BM has some valid reason to always check up on the kids when they're not with her, it's up to BF to tell her to back off if it's bothering him.  If it doesn't bother him he should just send her a standard 'they're fine, I'll call if that changes' response. 

How old are the kids?  Are they not old enough to speak for themselves and say they're fine? 

Oh, and read some other stories on here.  BM in your situation sounds annoying, but not difficult.  There are some really difficult BMs on here (well, the SMs are on here but reading the stories, I wouldn't want to know those BMs either). Welcome!

LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Aug. 20, 2013 at 4:07 PM
1 mom liked this

How is checking up on the children's welfare making your life difficult?  She shares children with yoru husband, therefore she is checking on them via the person she procreated with - no big deal.  

If she does not communicate with you, how do know she 1. wants to be your freind and 2. complains that you and she are not friends?

From what I have seen, except for rare sitautions where it was long established that SM was the party better capable of communicating; the bioparents of the children communicate directly.  Problems begin to arise when a new step-parent attempts to stymie that flow of information.  

Lauren79
by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 7:05 PM
1 mom liked this

My SO's children are 4 & 7, BM does this, she will text and want to talk to the kids (this I have no problem with), however what I do have a problem with is her showing up at activities and outings that we take the kids on when it's not her time with them.

Example, a few weeks ago we took all 3 of our kids (my 15 yo and his 2) to the lake to go out on our boat for the day, she drove out to the lake to see them and spend time with them. While it backfired and she actually didn't get to see them or spend time with them, I don't feel she should have just decided to take it upon herself when it was my SO's time. There's been plenty more, this was just the most recent.

My SO doesn't do this when the kids are with her, he will call and we will talk to them and say good night, but that is the extent of us butting into her time with them & I think that is fine, just as it is when she does it.

Boundaries need to be set, but your husband is going to have to be the one to set them. I pick up SO's kids from BM's mom everyday after work and BM gets them from me, but she and I do not communicate, that is for her and my SO, it's a pain in the ass on occasion but I'd rather have it that way.

As a previous poster said....it's annoying but it could definitely be worse!

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Aug. 20, 2013 at 7:08 PM

 well, thats what happens in my life but thats how i want it. i dont want BM to have my number. he can she can talk about their kids.

MomGoingCrazy78
by Lindy Lou on Aug. 20, 2013 at 8:32 PM

BM and I communicate on a very limited basis, when we have to. I am not her friend and will never be. DH and BM share 50/50 of SD so there is communication that needs to be in place. When my DH is out of town for work then it falls on me and BM to communicate since I still get SD even if DH is not here.

Idk37
by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 8:43 PM
Thank you Lauren 79. For the other replies.... she tells my husband that shes mad i wont be her friend. No we dont text when she has them.
Idk37
by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 8:46 PM
It seems like she would keep her child if the dads not home. I've had the same experience, ugh.


Quoting MomGoingCrazy78:

BM and I communicate on a very limited basis, when we have to. I am not her friend and will never be. DH and BM share 50/50 of SD so there is communication that needs to be in place. When my DH is out of town for work then it falls on me and BM to communicate since I still get SD even if DH is not here.


EricaHowell
by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 9:02 PM
1 mom liked this

Hi :) Was BM doing this texting thing with BD before you were the one caring for the kids? If so, maybe she is just a worry person. If she is a worrier, maybe BD needs to have a discussion with her that when the kids are on his time, they are fine. If something comes up, he will contact her. He could even use work as an excuse - he doesn't have time for personal calls/ messages? 

He can then invite her to call the children during his off hours (if BM is truly concerned about them). When she calls, he can hand the phone to the kids. They can talk to BM and it gets rid of the her constantly having to get updates from him. 

Sounds like she still wants to talk/ chit chat with BD? I don't know - just sounds off if she is complaining that you won't be her friend! 

GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Aug. 20, 2013 at 9:19 PM
1 mom liked this
I fail to see how texting to check on their shared kids implies BM wants him back.

Quoting EMMA6984:

Tell her to stop texting him and that when they are with you guys, they are fine.... do you guys text her checking on them when they are with her? 

In my experience, she is trying to get him back and you have to put your foot down or it will progress. My husband's ex wife tried to do that and I had to put my foot down and tell her to stop texting him and to stop bugging us. I know they are her kids, but they are in danger in your care so tell her to take a chill pill or to come and get them. 

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