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Priorities...and when to tell DH "sorry, you're on your own."

Posted by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 3:59 PM
  • 11 Replies

Love my SDs.  Great kids. Any challenges we have are largely normal kid challenges.  BM and I get along well enough.  

That said, we're trying to map out some trips.  Normally, I handle organizing such things as I'm the one who has a more flexible schedule AND DH can sometimes be sent overseas with literally 24 hours notice.

My grandmother is dying. I've got at minimum two big trips away coming up.  BM and I are trying to sort out the visitation so I can buy plane tickets.

On the one hand, I want to do what I can to support DH in having time with his kids.  On more than one occasion in the last 8 mos, his work has made it such that he simply cannot do the P/U or D/O or even BE here for that matter. Or I am without a car while he visits.  Kids and BM are fine w/ kids coming anyway if he's gone.  But since you can't plan a day that Gma is going to pass and I need to get out and coordinate a funeral, I'm feeling more and more like I need to just tell DH that we can plan whatever but he needs to understand that I may or may not be available to help.  So if he is going to get an assignment, he is going to have to cancel on the kids if I can't be here.

Does that seem fair?  He took this job thinking I could help support everything.  

Gma is my last living grandparent.  There's a lot of family drama involved and I'm kind of the glue that is holding things together (my Gma's kids--my mother and my uncle--are not even on speaking terms).  I have to stay involved in this process to do right by her.  Love the kids but if I get a call that I'm needed out west, I'm going.  

I've already made plans for the critters, I've got those bases covered.  But when it comes to the kids, I feel badly about saying "sorry bubba, you're going to have to sort it out."

What say you?

by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 3:59 PM
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Replies (1-10):
KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Aug. 20, 2013 at 4:01 PM
6 moms liked this

I think it's completely reasonable to leave the visitation arrangements in the hands of your DH.  If he has to cancel, then so what?  Shit happens.  It won't be the end of the world.  A dying family member trumps a visitation schedule every time.  

Happily Married | BM to DD14  DD14  DD12 | Mom to DS7 & DS4 | CP | Not a SM

dawnnamarie
by Silver Member on Aug. 20, 2013 at 4:02 PM
He's going to have to understand. And if he doesn't, tough shit.

Sorry to be so blunt, but things like emergencies and death are pretty much a last minute thing. And you shouldn't have to add the stress of juggling plans with bm to your plate
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Aug. 20, 2013 at 4:08 PM

What would you tell DH if these were your own kids and not your skids?  Would you then tell DH "I love my kids too much to go to my only living grandparents funeral?"  I wouldn't (well, if I was particularly close to my grandmother I wouldn't.  My own relationship with my grandmother is strained, at best and I couldn't even tell you now, if she were sick/dying, if I'd make plans to go or not - sadly).  Why do you treat the Skids with such kid gloves, or frankly, treat DH that way?  There's 'helping him out', which you've done REPEATEDLY since entering his life, and then there's a dying relative.  For once, let BF and BM handle their kids and you take care of you.  No one else will, so you must take care of you. 

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Aug. 20, 2013 at 4:12 PM



Quoting jules2boys:

What would you tell DH if these were your own kids and not your skids?  Would you then tell DH "I love my kids too much to go to my only living grandparents funeral?"  I wouldn't (well, if I was particularly close to my grandmother I wouldn't.  My own relationship with my grandmother is strained, at best and I couldn't even tell you now, if she were sick/dying, if I'd make plans to go or not - sadly).  Why do you treat the Skids with such kid gloves, or frankly, treat DH that way?  There's 'helping him out', which you've done REPEATEDLY since entering his life, and then there's a dying relative.  For once, let BF and BM handle their kids and you take care of you.  No one else will, so you must take care of you. 


You make good points.  I guess my conundrum comes from a place where my Gma has basically chosen to die. She doesn't have a terminal disease.  She has simply given up on life.  So with life on the one hand (kids and DH) and death on the other (Gma seeming to just choose to die, won't eat, won't do what she knows she should) I'm conflicted.  Do you keep a foot firmly with the living and take care of THEM or do you allow death to dictate your life?

I'm conflicted on more than one level as you can probably see.  I am a bit angry with Gma for just giving up AND yet expecting so much.  Being expected to do so much by my uncle as well who has absolutely no understanding of why I'd want to make my skids a priority as well.  

Argh.


phoenixhuntress
by on Aug. 20, 2013 at 5:16 PM

Tough spot to be in but think of it this way....if you were not in the picture what would DH have to do?  That is what he needs to realize.  Regardless of how much you have helped before or want to help him now...if you were not there in the first place he'd have to make these arrangements anyway since he's the BF.   I make my DH deal with the drama SDs like to bring into the mix.  He would have to if I were not here so he should even though I am here.  

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Aug. 20, 2013 at 5:20 PM

 its totally fair to let DH know that if you need to do for your own family, he will need to cancel on the kids. he just needs to talk to them in advance and let them and BM know that for now, the plan is this but Birdseed might have family matters she needs to attend to and if that happens, the girls will need to go w mom.

Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Aug. 20, 2013 at 5:28 PM

I've been down this road myself just months ago-DH actually expected me to still care for his kids the weekend of my grandmother's funeral (she passed unexpectedly)

However 1 phone call to BM-things were straightened out real fast. She kept the kids and I got to say my goodbyes.

DH needs to realize you have a family other then just him and his kids.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Aug. 20, 2013 at 5:50 PM
1 mom liked this

I can't believe this is even a issue.  If he won't be there for visitation, there's no need for them to come.  BM's need for a little alone time isn't sufficient reason to leave you on the hook. 

FWIW, my grandmother decided at the age of 90 that she was going to lay down and die.  She refused physical therapy that would have helped her get back to walking, and she stopped eating.  We all figured her for dead with the loss of will and rapid decline in strength.  She'll turn 96 next month.  She's still determined to kick the bucket, but it hasn't happened yet. 

kim8934
by on Aug. 21, 2013 at 12:43 PM

you have a very special circumstance that you have absolutely no control over and you must deal with that.  Your husband will need to handle dealing with the visitation.

spicy0425
by Silver Member on Aug. 21, 2013 at 2:38 PM

You need to take time out for yourself to say your last goodbye. Don't feel bad when you ask your DH for help or take over the burden sometimes. It might be best for him to have an occassion to be involved and to make certain decisions that he might not have to make before. It'll be a good learning experience, maybe (or at least I hope so)>

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