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So many issues and frustrations

Posted by on Aug. 22, 2013 at 5:00 PM
  • 13 Replies
1 mom liked this

Hi.  I was recently married in March.  I am 44 and this is my first marriage.  I adore my husband and his daughter, who is 11.  But dealing with his ex has been so difficult.  It's all just been harder than I thought it would be.  My husband has been divorced for 4 years and we just recently started getting overnight visits with his daughter.  We went to mediation for that and then his ex decided she didn't like the agreement from mediation so she got a lawyer so now we will be in court three weeks from now.  His original child custody document gave him visitation rights every Saturday and Tuesday during the day and evening but no overnights.  It never addressed holidays or summers or anything.  He actually only got to see his daughter ever Saturday.  Tuesdays just never happened because the BM didn't allow it.  He used a friend of a friend for a lawyer.  His ex and her father are controlling and bullies.  He's been verbally abused for most of the 13 years of marriage.  He was a perfect victim because he is very passive.  They have joint custody.  She filed for divorce.  Our lawyer is filing paperwork for us to get her all weekend every other weekend, 1 day a week from after school until 8:30pm, every other week during summer (with no change in child support) and a set holiday schedule.  Currently we get her on the holiday if her mom allows it or once she is done celebrating.  For example, we got to see her on Father's Day AFTER his daughter celebrated the day with her grand=father.  The BM doesn't agree so we are going to court.  Her first concern was that she wanted us to pay for lawyer fee and she didn't want child support to change during the summer and she wanted First Right of Refusal (if SD is not with her father then the BM wants to know where she is and who she is with and what she is doing and if she doesn't approve then we have to bring her home.  This included me being alone with her daughter or my husbands family or any of my SD friends).  We have NO idea what my SD does or who she does it with when she is with BM.  And 90% of the time when SD is with BM, she is over at a friends house during the day if school is not in session.  We agreed to not change child support even if SD was with us ½ of the summer.  We refuse to pay her lawyer when it's because of her that lawyers are even involved and we won't agree to her First Right of Refusal because it's a burden on us only.  The BM wants to control SD when she is with BM AND when she is with her father.  My husband has no parental say in anything.  We find out afterwards when SD misses school or goes to the doctor.  We have no say in her activities but we are expected to pay for them. 

The BM communicates with us through the SD.  And my DH is so passive and doesn't want to put his daughter in the middle so he puts up with it.  My husband just doesn't want to upset or fight with his ex because then it affects the SD.  And she is already so sensitive to everything. 

Here's the main Problem.  The BM is BLIND.  So I sound insensitive here.  She wasn't always and she was on her way to losing her sight when they got married 15 years ago.  So because of this we do all the driving for picking up and taking home of SD.  And the BM has NO problem having the SD call one of us and ask us to bring them both dinner or lunch. We've even give the BM rides to the store or to a friend's house or most recently my husband was asked (by his daughter) to take the BM to a doctor's appointment.   Even that I can deal with (well, I try) because I do feel badly for the BM.  I realize that it must be so hard to know that another woman is around your daughter and playing with her and taking her shopping and you aren't able to do a lot of that.  What I just can not  handle OR get my husband to understand is that I have a MAJOR problem going out of my way for the BM when in 2 ½ weeks we're all going to be in front of a judge and she wants to say we aren't fit to take care of her daughter.  There is NO give and take here.  There is no structure.  It's just a whim.  Whatever mood the BM is in decides how much we get to see SD.  When she's mad at us, she won't even let DH talk to his daughter.  If we're kissing her butt then she allows us access. 

I'm just frustrated.  I love my husband and SD very much.  But I don't think I can commit to taking care of the BM as well.  Not when she's so controlling and manipulative.  I could tell story after story about what she pulls and she still amazes me. 

by on Aug. 22, 2013 at 5:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
DDDaysh
by on Aug. 22, 2013 at 5:07 PM
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You are far, far, FAR too involved in this.  

I know you say BM and her father are bullies, but your husband isn't a child.  He had the chance to stand up for himself before and didn't.  Now he is trying, but it really sounds like you are driving the process.  

You shouldn't be doing that.  As unfair as you think things may be, this has to be HIS fight.  HE has to decide where he's going to draw the line and HE has to decide how to fight to defend the line he's drawn.  This isn't something you can do for him.  

If you don't want to assist with tasks for SD (or SD and BM), you certainly don't have to.  You're allowed to draw your own boundaries with your husband for what you are willing to do.  

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Aug. 22, 2013 at 5:13 PM
I wouldn't do fuckin shit for her and neither should YOUR husband.
klcpink
by on Aug. 22, 2013 at 5:17 PM

I agree that it is up to my husband to set the boundaries.   And I think he tries but he just doesn't want to upset his daughter.  I'm not sure that I understand how I could be too involved in this.  He's my husband and we are trying to be a family with his daughter.  Is it really possible to NOT be involved and still have a loving family atmosphere? 

Thanks for your reply.  You are right about it being his fight and he has to draw the line.

 

bottomline
by Silver Member on Aug. 22, 2013 at 5:21 PM
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 Wow. It sounds like maybe Dh has some guilt because of bm's disability? That will eat him up. And it will effect your marriage. DH needs to decide what he wants and go for that. If he bows down to everything bm wants or says you have a very bumpy road ahead of you.

Why are you and DH still doing errands for bm? Doesn't she have family and friends to help her out? Dh needs to  make a disconnect from her or she will continue to manipulate. It's horrible she lost her sight but that doesn't make her Dh's responsibility.

DDDaysh
by on Aug. 22, 2013 at 5:25 PM

Sometimes it's confusing because you start talking about friends.  

But, what if this was just your husband's football buddies, or work colleagues.  Would you ever call up his boss and tell him that he was asking too much from your husband?  

Just because you love your husband doesn't mean that there's no way to be too involved in certain aspects of his life.  There certainly is, and this is one of them.  They have to be his boundaries with his ex and he has to be willing to fight for them with or without your assistance.  He has to be the driving force, not the one along for the ride.  

And to protect yourself, you need to let this be primarily his battle.  If you start caring more about what his custody situation is than he does himself, it only leads to disaster.  

Quoting klcpink:

I agree that it is up to my husband to set the boundaries.   And I think he tries but he just doesn't want to upset his daughter.  I'm not sure that I understand how I could be too involved in this.  He's my husband and we are trying to be a family with his daughter.  Is it really possible to NOT be involved and still have a loving family atmosphere? 

Thanks for your reply.  You are right about it being his fight and he has to draw the line.



amylulu1
by Member on Aug. 22, 2013 at 5:41 PM
2 moms liked this

You are very sweet to accomodate BM and do things for her...but she is taking advantage.  If I were you, I would bring up those things in court; however, I'm sure they aren't pertinent to actual custody.  Here is my question.  Your DH hasn't stood up to her in all this time...say the courts give him everything he asks for.  What happens the first time that she doesn't allow him his court ordered visitation time?  Is your husband going to follow up with it legally?  All of this court battle stuff is a moot point if he isn't going to make sure the CO is followed and stick up for his rights.  It sounds to me like BM can't control the loss of her vision and can no longer control the husband since the divorce, so the child is the only way to control everyone and everything around her.  There are no boundaries and while it is going to be a tough row to hoe, I'm thinking it's time to establish them and stick to them.  But...that is up to your husband and it seems that he is okay with the way things are or is too scared to stand up for himself.  

Good luck.  My advice is to be very present for your sd when she is there, but try not to be another rug for her mother to walk on.  You can set your own boundaries.

Quoting klcpink:

I agree that it is up to my husband to set the boundaries.   And I think he tries but he just doesn't want to upset his daughter.  I'm not sure that I understand how I could be too involved in this.  He's my husband and we are trying to be a family with his daughter.  Is it really possible to NOT be involved and still have a loving family atmosphere? 

Thanks for your reply.  You are right about it being his fight and he has to draw the line.



cLanief
by on Aug. 22, 2013 at 5:48 PM
Step back and tell your dh to quit being a pussy and quit allowing bm to use her kid. He needs to put his fucking foot down and talk directly to ex instead of his 11yo daughter. Hes allowing her to put his daughter in the middle... him saying he doesnt want daughter in the middle and ignoring the situation is just putting her in the middle! Bm knows this and knows he's a sucker!
baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Aug. 22, 2013 at 5:51 PM
2 moms liked this

Sounds like the classic case of a new woman coming in trying to fix things her DH that he never intended to fix.

spicy0425
by on Aug. 22, 2013 at 5:59 PM
1 mom liked this

You have no obligation to take care of BM (I am sorry she is blind, but she is using her disability as a tool to minupulate the entire situation. Not only that, by the sound of it, BM might have been using the SD as a pawn to get what she wants).  I think you need to stand up for yourself. You love your husband and your SD. You want to be in it for the long run. Then it is time you ask your husband to think about your position and make it work instead of giving in to all demands unfairly. This one-sided situation will lead to resentment eventually and when the scale is tipped off, one's tolerance limit is broken, there will be another broken family. 

BM can go in front of the judge and tells the judge whatever she wants. But she has to prove to the judge that your husband and your environment is actually unfit to take care of the SD. Both you and your husband need to stay calm. Don't argue with her name calling, don't dispute her false accusation, don't fall for the baiting that you or your husband will say something damaging to your case. When it comes to be in front of the judge, your husband just needs to tell the judge this "in my opinion as a father, it is beneficial for my daughter to see both of her parents. I doesn't matter to me who is right, who is wrong in the divorce or in any conversation. All I care about is my daughter's well-being, that she is taken care of by her bio parents. My ex-wife and I created her, it's equally our responsibility to care for her and to prepare her for her adulthood." Remember, don't engage into any words' fight with the BM. 

SMInProgress
by on Aug. 22, 2013 at 10:45 PM
2 moms liked this

Truth.

Quoting spicy0425:

 This one-sided situation will lead to resentment eventually and when the scale is tipped off, one's tolerance limit is broken, there will be another broken family. 


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