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"you knew what you signed up for"...

Posted by on Aug. 23, 2013 at 8:21 AM
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Or anything similar to that...

Does that phrase rub anyone else the wrong way?

I feel that phrase doesn't apply anywhere in life, be it marriage, kids, pets, work, grocery stores, cell phone contracts or anything else...

But boy, if you're a sm, it apparently applies... Or at least I hear it a lot.

Mini rant done :).
by on Aug. 23, 2013 at 8:21 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Pero3
by Silver Member on Aug. 23, 2013 at 8:30 AM
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I certainly think it does apply ... not 100%, not for every minute part of your situation ... but yes, it does apply.

If you chose a husband who had a child/children with another woman before you, then a couple of things are a given. For example, you will have less financial means. Experiences which might be "firsts" for you aren't necessarily firsts for him. There will always be a third (external) party who will have a certain amount of influence on your life, even if it's just indirect.

Only in very rare circumstances will you be able to lead your life as if you were a nuclear family ... even if that is YOUR first marriage.

So when I read posts on here where a girlfriend posts about massive problems with her new boyfriend, his kids and the ex ... that's the first thing I think! You MUST see what you are signing yourself up for!

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Aug. 23, 2013 at 8:31 AM

But why dont you know what you signed up for?

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Aug. 23, 2013 at 8:32 AM
It is a funny phrase because life usually doesn't work exactly as planned all the time. I must confess I have used a similar phrase to DH when I am being unreasonable too. I guess the separated parents should have known about any challenges in the situation as well.
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baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Aug. 23, 2013 at 8:34 AM
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I personally think, that people know intrinsically that it is a very difficult thing to navigate through but people just lie to themselves and think that it doesn't apply to them. Then they find out they were horribly wrong. Then they pitch shit fits for the next several years.

TJandKarasMom
by Bronze Member on Aug. 23, 2013 at 8:38 AM
6 moms liked this
It's only annoying to me when someone says it when I am venting a little. I did know stepparenting would come with bumps and rough patches, just like marriage. So if I am complaining about something, it doesn't mean I had no idea it would be hard sometimes,it just means I need a friend to talk to to get some of it out.

It's annoying when I come here to vent instead of saying something to my DH or SD, and people think I'm a horrible person and that I "knew what I was signing up for". Actually, when I met DH and he had a baby, I did not know I was signing up to be her mom, I figured her mother cared about her as much as I cared about my DS and that I would never be in the position to actually be SDs mom. I do the job without complaint, and I do it well, but it is not something I signed up for, it is something that needs to be done and I love my SD enough to do it.
amanda_mom89
by Gold Member on Aug. 23, 2013 at 8:39 AM
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I was 21 and super naive. I didn't know any blended families closely as a kid.

I jumped headfirst into marriage not even considering what being a stepparent really meant.

3 years later I know what an idiot I was. Lol


Quoting baparrot2:

I personally think, that people know intrinsically that it is a very difficult thing to navigate through but people just lie to themselves and think that it doesn't apply to them. Then they find out they were horribly wrong. Then they pitch shit fits for the next several years.


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baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Aug. 23, 2013 at 8:41 AM

I commend you on taking personal responsibility for yourself. People who do are the ones less often to bitch and complain all the time. Which you don't. Kudos to you!

Quoting amanda_mom89:

I was 21 and super naive. I didn't know any blended families closely as a kid.

I jumped headfirst into marriage not even considering what being a stepparent really meant.

3 years later I know what an idiot I was. Lol


Quoting baparrot2:

I personally think, that people know intrinsically that it is a very difficult thing to navigate through but people just lie to themselves and think that it doesn't apply to them. Then they find out they were horribly wrong. Then they pitch shit fits for the next several years.



amanda_mom89
by Gold Member on Aug. 23, 2013 at 8:43 AM
1 mom liked this
Thanks! :) I like to think I'm pretty introspective. I'm not perfect but I'm going to find where I went wrong.


Quoting baparrot2:

I commend you on taking personal responsibility for yourself. People who do are the ones less often to bitch and complain all the time. Which you don't. Kudos to you!

Quoting amanda_mom89:

I was 21 and super naive. I didn't know any blended families closely as a kid.



I jumped headfirst into marriage not even considering what being a stepparent really meant.



3 years later I know what an idiot I was. Lol





Quoting baparrot2:

I personally think, that people know intrinsically that it is a very difficult thing to navigate through but people just lie to themselves and think that it doesn't apply to them. Then they find out they were horribly wrong. Then they pitch shit fits for the next several years.





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Pero3
by Silver Member on Aug. 23, 2013 at 8:47 AM

They certainly should ... however ...

If you enter the scene as a second wife, you have one major advantage ... you get a chance to look at it, and then decide. Will you see every minute detail? Nope! But then, you have all the time in the world to observe ... and then you can either stay, or leave.

As a first wife (or husband), post-separation you don't get this chance to observe and then opt out. In a 2-hour discussion post-separation, I told BF about the potential pitfalls with his new wife and her children. We talked about the different approaches (apparent even back then), the different backgrounds etc. etc.

Well, 7 years on, about 90% of all the things I told him might happen actually did happen. There was absolutely no way that they couldn't have happened.

Yet he doesn't see it that way!


Quoting leegirl_jm:

I guess the separated parents should have known about any challenges in the situation as well.



baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Aug. 23, 2013 at 8:53 AM
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I think it is a pathetic excuse citing that you didnt know. I didnt marry my DH for 9 years because I needed to figure out if it indeed was the life for me. Only until I was able to say "yes, I am willing to someday be a CSM to his son if that were to happen" did I say yes to him. Some of you just jump way too fast without taking the time to look at it with differnt eyes. People forget that kids grow up and can be very difficult teens. Who DOESN'T know this? Do you live on mars? If BM is a nightmare now....she will likely not get better. If your husband leaves too much of the parenting for you to do, that will likely continue also.

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