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S/O of SP's & rights thing..... Should it change??

Posted by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 1:04 AM
  • 39 Replies
2 moms liked this

ExH1 and I are approaching 10 years of divorce. Our DS is about to turn 11, we each have daughters from our shitbag second relationships, both having deadbeat, POS parents. His DD is 7, mine is almost 4. ExH1 is a phenomenal father, and I'm a pretty awesome mom. I'm primary parental figure for all 3 kids: his, mine, and ours. I'm the primary parent on all 3 kids school records as who to contact for anything, with ExH being listed as the first emergency contact for all 3. He has full legal & physical of his DD, I have full legal and physical of my DD, and we have joint physical, but I have full legal of our son (it was our decision for me to have full legal, he works a ton and with our original joint legal custody decree, one of us couldn't wipe DS's ass on our own without the other's consent, and it just got too difficult, so we agreed that its just easier for me to have full decision making power without having to go through the hassle of having to have his consent. We make all big decisions together, but it's just my signature on stuff). I do PTCs and doc appointments and all the Mommy stuff for all 3 kids. 

  If ExH remarries (hypothetically, as there is no SO), and SM can be and wants to be available for my DS and ex's DD during ex's time (which I guess is all the time in regards to DD), since its technically his time to do what he chooses with his kids, and involve SM as much as he chooses, do I have the right to piss and moan and tell her to back off? Especially in regards to his DD? I'm pretty sure I'd hit the freaking roof if someone came in and tried to parent my kids at this point. Yes, I include his DD as mine. Lol. Her BM has pretty much bailed, we are working on me adopting her, but BM always comes back right before we (he) can file abandonment. Our outlook on me adopting her is obviously, I'm not going anywhere. The state law is that only a legal SP can adopt, but we've found a loophole and being as I'm already mom to one of his kids and we're already one hell of a stable co-parenting team, we have a good shot at me adopting, if BM can stay away. 

  So, should a SM be able to step in and change a great situation that has worked for years, just because she exists? Should DD have the risk of a third woman walking in and out of her life, since exH obviously doesn't have a good track record? Or should it stay the same, with me being the primary parent during ex's time, because even though its a divorce situation, it's a wonderfully stable environment for the kids. What if SM doesn't like the situation (as in, jealousy because exH & I work so well together)? Do I "step" back during his time, out of respect for his new marriage? Truth- exH and I have a very close, very PLATONIC friendship. My SO gets along great with exH, but a lot of people who know us both have commented that we should get back together, and I could see that making anyone we are with uncomfortable. Trust me, there is not a snowflake's chance in hell of us getting back together, we have a very sibling-type relationship, I look at him as my brother and the thought of a relationship with him physically nauseates me in an inbreeding type of way. My SO understands and accepts it, he really likes my ExH, they are on the verge of becoming friends who hang out. What if a new SM doesn't accept that? Would exH be wrong to tell her that its just the way it is and she needs to live with it?

 I see a lot of posts where SMs complain that BM pulls the "I'm the mother of his child and I'm not going anywhere" card, and I get that. I've usually sympathized with the SM. However, the rights post really made me think with my BM hat, and with my uniqueness of having a kid who isn't my bio, step, OR adopted, but simply my bio's sister.... We do what we do with the kids because we've proven that, after 10 years of divorce, neither of us are going anywhere, we're perfectly capable of parenting all 3 kids as a team, and I don't think anyone has the right to try to mess with that. SO already knows that no matter what, if we can get my DD's BF to fall off the face of the earth, it will be ExH1 who will adopt her, and not SO. He is also aware that if the opportunity arises, I still plan on adopting ex's DD. All 3 kids have broken homes already, two of them have shitty parents, and one has one wickedly awesome divorced co-parenting team. Wouldn't it be nice for the girls to have that stability? 

 I think I'd go crazy if someone tried to mess with our system.....

by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 1:04 AM
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Replies (1-10):
pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Aug. 26, 2013 at 1:12 AM
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It would only change if your ex1 allowed it.  Right?

While I think it is great you are making it work, it will be really hard for any new partner to enter your family.  Long term, I see issues.  Who cares about legal rights, I'm talking emotional land mines!

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Aug. 26, 2013 at 1:16 AM

I think only you and your Ex can change the relationship you have, I would think your Ex would date SM before he married her so at that time he will know what changes she would want if any. He then can decide he doesn't want anything to change and not pursue that relationship any further.

Other than SM wanting a change, sometimes the presence of a new person causes a change on its own. 

I would think the ideal situation is for you both to stay unattached until the children are grown.

Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

OverIt1003
by MaxNMakennasMom on Aug. 26, 2013 at 1:35 AM


Quoting pdxmum:

It would only change if your ex1 allowed it.  Right?

While I think it is great you are making it work, it will be really hard for any new partner to enter your family.  Long term, I see issues.  Who cares about legal rights, I'm talking emotional land mines!

 I think it will be very, very hard for a woman to handle. SO is fine with things because of the type of person exH is. ExH is a quiet, shy introvert who is 13 years older than me, is very laid back, very submissive, go with the flow type of guy. Me, on the other hand.... I'm an outgoing, dominant extrovert who clearly wears the pants in our co-parenting relationship. Both SO & exH are very go-with-the-flow, so me calling the shots and micro-managing everything is fine with them. SO has no desire to play daddy to our kids, he just wants a good relationship with them, so exH doesn't have to be concerned about overstepping, plus he knows I won't allow it. ExH actually allows SO to have more "parenting" involvement than I do. (Ex: DS is joining baseball. SO is all excited about it, he was a baseball stud in high school and is thrilled to pass on his skills. I'm freaking out for him to back off, exH is handing him the Daddy hat on this one because he detests baseball. I'm trying to chill, since ex is cool with it, but I see a lot of head-butting this spring....) I can see a woman entering ex's life having a hard time with me, though. I can be.... a bit much, to put it mildly. I can see Sabs commenting on this tomorrow.... "I pity the fool who tries to date your ex!" I can also see myself trying to dictate who he dates. I will not be quiet if I don't like them, get a bad vibe, or don't think they're good enough.....

OverIt1003
by MaxNMakennasMom on Aug. 26, 2013 at 1:42 AM

Good Lord, that would be 16 years!!!!! LOL!!! SO is going to be moving in sometime soon, exH is cool with it. As of right now, things are going swimmingly between exH & SO. I have no intention of marrying SO, at least not any time soon. I have every intention of living in sin as a seriously committed partnership, marriage scares me though. I believe I have made it very clear how things will be involving the kids & my co-parenting relationship with the ex. With our daughters' other parents, we saw the full effect of what happens when the SP comes in and tries to ruin the co-parenting relationship, and we vowed after our shitty break-ups and each having a daughter with an uninvolved OP that we would never let that happen again. We had three years of UGLY in the middle of our 10 years of divorce. 

Quoting leegirl_jm:

I think only you and your Ex can change the relationship you have, I would think your Ex would date SM before he married her so at that time he will know what changes she would want if any. He then can decide he doesn't want anything to change and not pursue that relationship any further.

Other than SM wanting a change, sometimes the presence of a new person causes a change on its own. 

I would think the ideal situation is for you both to stay unattached until the children are grown.


pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Aug. 26, 2013 at 2:03 AM



Quoting OverIt1003:


Quoting pdxmum:

It would only change if your ex1 allowed it.  Right?

While I think it is great you are making it work, it will be really hard for any new partner to enter your family.  Long term, I see issues.  Who cares about legal rights, I'm talking emotional land mines!

 I think it will be very, very hard for a woman to handle. SO is fine with things because of the type of person exH is. ExH is a quiet, shy introvert who is 13 years older than me, is very laid back, very submissive, go with the flow type of guy. Me, on the other hand.... I'm an outgoing, dominant extrovert who clearly wears the pants in our co-parenting relationship. Both SO & exH are very go-with-the-flow, so me calling the shots and micro-managing everything is fine with them. SO has no desire to play daddy to our kids, he just wants a good relationship with them, so exH doesn't have to be concerned about overstepping, plus he knows I won't allow it. ExH actually allows SO to have more "parenting" involvement than I do. (Ex: DS is joining baseball. SO is all excited about it, he was a baseball stud in high school and is thrilled to pass on his skills. I'm freaking out for him to back off, exH is handing him the Daddy hat on this one because he detests baseball. I'm trying to chill, since ex is cool with it, but I see a lot of head-butting this spring....) I can see a woman entering ex's life having a hard time with me, though. I can be.... a bit much, to put it mildly. I can see Sabs commenting on this tomorrow.... "I pity the fool who tries to date your ex!" I can also see myself trying to dictate who he dates. I will not be quiet if I don't like them, get a bad vibe, or don't think they're good enough.....

Oh my!  I would probably like you...but I would never date you.  And dating your ex would be like dating you too!  Has he not had a girlfriend for years?

Sister wife with no benefits!


pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Aug. 26, 2013 at 2:04 AM

What happens if you and SO have a child?

fivegirls333
by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 2:19 AM

i have walked on eggshells (in front of parents) to keep my sd's and our life together.  it got shaky a few times when my ex pitched a fit at me and threatened for me to not see them.  i just bit my tongue and kept my home and heart and wallet open at anytime...waiting until they were old enough to see what was going on.  it worked.  they both still live with me!  how did i manage that?...love and perseverance.  i always put the dd's well being above my pride...and man was it hard sometimes.  blessings.

OverIt1003
by MaxNMakennasMom on Aug. 26, 2013 at 2:21 AM

He has been on-again/off-again with DD7's BM, who is basically the female version of my DD's abusive, assbag, POS father. She is trash. Lost custody of her 3 older boys, walked away from DD. She comes back and pretends she wants to be a family when she needs him to support her, always ends up cheating in less than a month and bails again. I wish he'd meet a nice woman and stay away from this hag for good. As for me & SO having kids, my tubes are tied. We've discussed it, but I don't think I want anymore, so there's no way I'm spending thousands on the Russian roulette of invetro when I really don't want to start over again. Plus, after having one baby die and then me almost dying after DD3 was born, I'm terrified to even take that risk. SO goes back & forth, but mostly sticks to the idea of liking the freedom of not being a parent. He likes to do his own thing, and he enjoys our alone time when the kids go with their dads. 

 ExH had a vasectomy and is not even willing to get involved with a woman who isn't fixed, sterile, or teetering on menopause. 

Quoting pdxmum:



Quoting OverIt1003:


Quoting pdxmum:

It would only change if your ex1 allowed it.  Right?

While I think it is great you are making it work, it will be really hard for any new partner to enter your family.  Long term, I see issues.  Who cares about legal rights, I'm talking emotional land mines!

 I think it will be very, very hard for a woman to handle. SO is fine with things because of the type of person exH is. ExH is a quiet, shy introvert who is 13 years older than me, is very laid back, very submissive, go with the flow type of guy. Me, on the other hand.... I'm an outgoing, dominant extrovert who clearly wears the pants in our co-parenting relationship. Both SO & exH are very go-with-the-flow, so me calling the shots and micro-managing everything is fine with them. SO has no desire to play daddy to our kids, he just wants a good relationship with them, so exH doesn't have to be concerned about overstepping, plus he knows I won't allow it. ExH actually allows SO to have more "parenting" involvement than I do. (Ex: DS is joining baseball. SO is all excited about it, he was a baseball stud in high school and is thrilled to pass on his skills. I'm freaking out for him to back off, exH is handing him the Daddy hat on this one because he detests baseball. I'm trying to chill, since ex is cool with it, but I see a lot of head-butting this spring....) I can see a woman entering ex's life having a hard time with me, though. I can be.... a bit much, to put it mildly. I can see Sabs commenting on this tomorrow.... "I pity the fool who tries to date your ex!" I can also see myself trying to dictate who he dates. I will not be quiet if I don't like them, get a bad vibe, or don't think they're good enough.....

Oh my!  I would probably like you...but I would never date you.  And dating your ex would be like dating you too!  Has he not had a girlfriend for years?

Sister wife with no benefits!



runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Aug. 26, 2013 at 5:24 AM
1 mom liked this


I agree with this. My DH and BM were basically acting like they were still married when we got together, just living in separate houses. They'd been divorced 5 years when he and I met. I thought, "Cool! They get along!" Their divorce worked for them, and I saw no need to change it.

Until BM and oldest SD made me feel like a homewrecker for marrying my husband and BM still refuses to acknowledge me. My DH had to "divorce" BM fast after that. In our case, it would've saved everyone a lot of grief if they'd just actually "divorced" when the law said they were divorced. 

To the OP,  you seem like you'd be very open to a new person, so it may not be the same experience for a SM in your situation. The situation as it is now obviously works for you and your ex, and I think an SM who is secure in her relationship with your ex would be okay with it. But I think it could be really easy for her to feel like an outsider nonetheless. 

Quoting pdxmum:

While I think it is great you are making it work, it will be really hard for any new partner to enter your family.  Long term, I see issues.  Who cares about legal rights, I'm talking emotional land mines!



leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Aug. 26, 2013 at 6:42 AM

The description of your Ex suggests the woman he would be attracted would be a dominant female, even if she doesn't interfere with your coparenting, she would probably cause changes to your interactions with ExH.

Quoting OverIt1003:


Quoting pdxmum:

It would only change if your ex1 allowed it.  Right?

While I think it is great you are making it work, it will be really hard for any new partner to enter your family.  Long term, I see issues.  Who cares about legal rights, I'm talking emotional land mines!

 I think it will be very, very hard for a woman to handle. SO is fine with things because of the type of person exH is. ExH is a quiet, shy introvert who is 13 years older than me, is very laid back, very submissive, go with the flow type of guy. Me, on the other hand.... I'm an outgoing, dominant extrovert who clearly wears the pants in our co-parenting relationship. Both SO & exH are very go-with-the-flow, so me calling the shots and micro-managing everything is fine with them. SO has no desire to play daddy to our kids, he just wants a good relationship with them, so exH doesn't have to be concerned about overstepping, plus he knows I won't allow it. ExH actually allows SO to have more "parenting" involvement than I do. (Ex: DS is joining baseball. SO is all excited about it, he was a baseball stud in high school and is thrilled to pass on his skills. I'm freaking out for him to back off, exH is handing him the Daddy hat on this one because he detests baseball. I'm trying to chill, since ex is cool with it, but I see a lot of head-butting this spring....) I can see a woman entering ex's life having a hard time with me, though. I can be.... a bit much, to put it mildly. I can see Sabs commenting on this tomorrow.... "I pity the fool who tries to date your ex!" I can also see myself trying to dictate who he dates. I will not be quiet if I don't like them, get a bad vibe, or don't think they're good enough.....

Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

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