ExH1 and I are approaching 10 years of divorce. Our DS is about to turn 11, we each have daughters from our shitbag second relationships, both having deadbeat, POS parents. His DD is 7, mine is almost 4. ExH1 is a phenomenal father, and I'm a pretty awesome mom. I'm primary parental figure for all 3 kids: his, mine, and ours. I'm the primary parent on all 3 kids school records as who to contact for anything, with ExH being listed as the first emergency contact for all 3. He has full legal & physical of his DD, I have full legal and physical of my DD, and we have joint physical, but I have full legal of our son (it was our decision for me to have full legal, he works a ton and with our original joint legal custody decree, one of us couldn't wipe DS's ass on our own without the other's consent, and it just got too difficult, so we agreed that its just easier for me to have full decision making power without having to go through the hassle of having to have his consent. We make all big decisions together, but it's just my signature on stuff). I do PTCs and doc appointments and all the Mommy stuff for all 3 kids.
If ExH remarries (hypothetically, as there is no SO), and SM can be and wants to be available for my DS and ex's DD during ex's time (which I guess is all the time in regards to DD), since its technically his time to do what he chooses with his kids, and involve SM as much as he chooses, do I have the right to piss and moan and tell her to back off? Especially in regards to his DD? I'm pretty sure I'd hit the freaking roof if someone came in and tried to parent my kids at this point. Yes, I include his DD as mine. Lol. Her BM has pretty much bailed, we are working on me adopting her, but BM always comes back right before we (he) can file abandonment. Our outlook on me adopting her is obviously, I'm not going anywhere. The state law is that only a legal SP can adopt, but we've found a loophole and being as I'm already mom to one of his kids and we're already one hell of a stable co-parenting team, we have a good shot at me adopting, if BM can stay away.
So, should a SM be able to step in and change a great situation that has worked for years, just because she exists? Should DD have the risk of a third woman walking in and out of her life, since exH obviously doesn't have a good track record? Or should it stay the same, with me being the primary parent during ex's time, because even though its a divorce situation, it's a wonderfully stable environment for the kids. What if SM doesn't like the situation (as in, jealousy because exH & I work so well together)? Do I "step" back during his time, out of respect for his new marriage? Truth- exH and I have a very close, very PLATONIC friendship. My SO gets along great with exH, but a lot of people who know us both have commented that we should get back together, and I could see that making anyone we are with uncomfortable. Trust me, there is not a snowflake's chance in hell of us getting back together, we have a very sibling-type relationship, I look at him as my brother and the thought of a relationship with him physically nauseates me in an inbreeding type of way. My SO understands and accepts it, he really likes my ExH, they are on the verge of becoming friends who hang out. What if a new SM doesn't accept that? Would exH be wrong to tell her that its just the way it is and she needs to live with it?
I see a lot of posts where SMs complain that BM pulls the "I'm the mother of his child and I'm not going anywhere" card, and I get that. I've usually sympathized with the SM. However, the rights post really made me think with my BM hat, and with my uniqueness of having a kid who isn't my bio, step, OR adopted, but simply my bio's sister.... We do what we do with the kids because we've proven that, after 10 years of divorce, neither of us are going anywhere, we're perfectly capable of parenting all 3 kids as a team, and I don't think anyone has the right to try to mess with that. SO already knows that no matter what, if we can get my DD's BF to fall off the face of the earth, it will be ExH1 who will adopt her, and not SO. He is also aware that if the opportunity arises, I still plan on adopting ex's DD. All 3 kids have broken homes already, two of them have shitty parents, and one has one wickedly awesome divorced co-parenting team. Wouldn't it be nice for the girls to have that stability?
I think I'd go crazy if someone tried to mess with our system.....