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MIL that acts like BM

Posted by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 2:28 AM
  • 10 Replies
Three years ago my HS sweetheart and I got back together we've been married two years and have a 4 month old son. His daughter is 11 and son is 14. His mother was a bad girl (drugs,drinks,men etc) and he was raised by his father and his father's parents. His mother did not come back into his life until he graduated HS (when she got into some kind of trouble and suddenly found God). Meeting her today you would never know any of that, my best discription now would be "judgemental church lady" and I'm not saying that just because of my relationship with her. I think it is very strange for someone with her past to be so judgemental of others but thats not my problem.
DH was divorced for quite sometime, BM abandoned kids, he has full custody. We only get CS when there is a garnishment but she quit working and she hasn't seen them but once in 3yrs. His mother "helped" with kids. Until three years ago all relationships including one marrage failed. Excuses were given such as used DH for immigration, illegal immigrant, etc. However, years into this (marriage) and after comming accross things I no longer feel the reasons were anyother except that his Mom and kids want son and daddy for themselves.
When we were engaged MIL told me that skids were not bio, BM was pregnant when they married and continued to cheat which led to the divorce (DH backs up this story). She also let me know her wishes for a bio-grandchild. At the time I was ok since they are not my bio kids either why do I care and I wanted a child of my own.....I wish I had noticed those red flags.
Fast forward to now. I have produced a son and my life is hell. It has really gotten bad since DH said this is the only one. So MIL knows I won't be having more. SS14 lives with her (we had to separate skids for reasons that had nothing to do with me) and she acts like a BM to SD11. All the crazy BM problems this group talks about well I have them with my MIL! DH wont do anything. He says we will not get inbetween me and his mother. MIL wants to take my son over just as she has done with skids of course which will never happen as long as I am still breathing! I think she saw me as a uterus and now that I've done my job its time for me to move on just like BM did.
SS14 and SD11 certainly want me gone of course....I've been put through the ringer. MIL constantly makes excuses for their bad behavior and condesends me in front of them. My mother keeps her distance but after I had the baby she started helping with things like picking SD11 up for practice. She commented to me recently that MIL is talking to skids about me and that I need to confront her and tell her to stop. I could go on and on. After reading several posts about disengaement I started that 2 weeks ago and it has helped with SD11, but this can't always be this way. Has anyone else experienced a MIL that acts like this?
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 2:28 AM
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Replies (1-10):
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 1:45 AM

BUMP!

crazymomma87
by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 3:05 AM
1 mom liked this
The problem isn't MIL the problem is "DH." If he doesn't do anything about his crazy mother wtf are you supposed to do?
spicy0425
by Silver Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 8:53 AM
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I think you need to let go of these thoughts: ignore what the BM and the MIL did in the past altogether. It does you no good. So what if the BM cheated? It's in the past, don't let the past stop you from living your life. So what if the MIL and the step kids want you gone? The main focus is what your husband does and commit to the marriage and tthe 4 month old baby.

I don't think you should listen to your mother and confront your MIL. If somebody throws a rock down the river, let it run its course and it will stop eventually. The more you try to stop it, the bigger flash it'll become since you are giving it more momentum and more energy to go on.

If you continue being cordial and a level-headed adult in your own home toward the step kids, sooner or later they will realize who is right, who is wrong. Invalidate your MIL by acting with kindness. Be impartial and don't bad mouth the BM.  If somebody said something bad about your own mom, what would you do?

I know it is easier said than done. But try and try. It'll do you much more good than you can imagine. Good luck.

Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:29 AM

I'm with you on this...before I moved in with DH-MIL did everything for ss7 and sd12....whether it was ok or not. She treated those kids like they were her kids.

When I moved in, she moved out (she was living with DH) and everytime she came over-it was(still is)World War 3.

You have a DH problem in the sense he doesn't wanna stand up to his mother.

My DH didn't wanna say shit to his mom either. Finally had it with her crap-and about 2 months ago she started in on me about something so tiny-I lost my shit and went off on the woman. (oh because I told SS to put his laundry away and she felt it was too much for him)

Took me all of 20 seconds to tell her to fuck off and to stop running my house. And if she didn't stop with her bullshit involving the stepkids then BM was going to take her to court (BM did say this herself to me/DH and MIL)

Fact is you can either handle it yourself or tell your husband to grow a set and to man up.

This is a very touchy subject to me....because honestly some grandparents don't respect boundaries.

jessesbride
by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:44 AM

MIL is DH's problem, not yours!!  He needs to man up & tell his crazy mom to knock it off...otherwise, I don't see any hope for this marriage.

emszoo
by Member on Oct. 23, 2013 at 2:01 AM
When I wrote this I was online looking for help. I was going crazy and I was miserable! I had never joined a group before, this was my first post and I was desparate for help. I got no replies so I figured my story was so nuts no one believed me.
I kept searching looking for something and many things have happened since then. However when I researched sociopath the light blub went on. My MIL defantly is a sociopath. Once I knew what I was dealing with I found ways to make my life bearable.
Until DH becomes her target he isn't going to get it. This and her nonstop evil may eventally lead to divorce. I have contacted my attorney. My biggest concern is protecting my baby from her. She is not allowed but limited supervised contact with him. Even then I cringe.
I disengaged from skids. She has so posioned the one she has in her care that any relationship is hopeless but I'm nice anyway. I am doing ok with the otherone now as long as she hasn't had recent contact with MIL.
I do not engage in any rules or enforcement of rules, this pissed DH off but he has come to accept it.
packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Oct. 23, 2013 at 9:05 AM
1 mom liked this

I find it hilarious when sms whine about their MILs act like some sms do.  Both are not in a place to act like anything but a grandma/sm to other people's children, but the minute a mil acts in a way that a SM feels crosses lines?  It's on.  if a mom complains about a SM doing that?  Mom is told to be happy that SM loves and cares for her dhild and is willing to do things for her child. 

Both grandma and sm are on the same playing field and should remember that.

grownsexy
by Bronze Member on Oct. 23, 2013 at 9:46 AM

 I agree, don't give the powerless power. Continue to love and sopport your family the best way you know how. Stop being miserable life is to short. I would not give this situation any control. Your MIL has problems that you can't fix  and her son won't fix. Stay neutral like your DH. Anything that has to do with his kids and his mom let him deal with it. I would focus on my child and my DH. His mother, his kids, his problem. I would take his position I am not coming between you and your kids and your mom. Good luck.

 


Quoting spicy0425:

I think you need to let go of these thoughts: ignore what the BM and the MIL did in the past altogether. It does you no good. So what if the BM cheated? It's in the past, don't let the past stop you from living your life. So what if the MIL and the step kids want you gone? The main focus is what your husband does and commit to the marriage and tthe 4 month old baby.

I don't think you should listen to your mother and confront your MIL. If somebody throws a rock down the river, let it run its course and it will stop eventually. The more you try to stop it, the bigger flash it'll become since you are giving it more momentum and more energy to go on.

If you continue being cordial and a level-headed adult in your own home toward the step kids, sooner or later they will realize who is right, who is wrong. Invalidate your MIL by acting with kindness. Be impartial and don't bad mouth the BM.  If somebody said something bad about your own mom, what would you do?

I know it is easier said than done. But try and try. It'll do you much more good than you can imagine. Good luck.


 

emszoo
by Member on Oct. 23, 2013 at 3:33 PM
Once again I am sorry for the post. I was very upset and at the end of my rope. I now know that MIL is a sociopath and have learned ways to deal with her.

I don't want you guys to think I am some pushy SM trying to take over being Mommy. I would think a better discription would be I am Dad's Wife not Step Mom. Maybe if we became DWs instead of SM people would behave better because there is no Mom in DW. I think the word "Mom" causes some people to think it means power over kids.
Even though my DH pushed for me to become the skids "Mommy" I have never done this. It isn't my place. These kids have a "Mommy" that she isn't in their lives isn't my fault or my problem and I cannot replace her. DH says its cold that I don't love his kids etc but that isn't true. Unless I legally adopted these kids I can't become their "Mommy" and to enter a power struggle with BM and MIL wouldn't be fair to skids.
MIL becomes a problem when she overstepps her bounds with me. The poisoning of the skids relationship with me isn't right either but I can't do anything about it.
In the months since I wrote this I have become very good at keeping my distance from the skids. I could have a nice relationship with them if MIL wasn't around. I think if MIL wasn't around that BM would come back around too.
luvligrl323
by Member on Oct. 23, 2013 at 7:05 PM
I have a similar issue with MIL. I understand that she had helped DH raise SS but she oversteps and overreacts a lot. When we got engaged she threw a fit and started crying. Which I saw in DH eyes broke his heart because he was so excited for her to show up and tell her. She is very condescending and DH is basically supposed to be there at her beck and call. She's told SS in front of me "it's so sad that your mother doesn't love you and you don't have anyone but me" wtf?! He's 10 and I have been in his life since he was 4. We have been living as a family for 3 years now. And she keeps telling him that he doesn't have anyone(mom) to love him but DH and her. Although it is hard having a blended family. We do our best and we sincerely love each other and live as one family. My kids are his brothers and sisters. He calls me mom. Hugs and kisses me just like my bio kids. I love him and MiL should be happy about that.
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