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Would you still give gifts with no thank you?

Posted by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 7:24 PM
  • 69 Replies

SD has been mad at DH & I for about two months or so over stupid things & hasn't talked to either of us since. She just had her birthday over the weekend. We sent her a card & money (same as her sister) & my parents (who have never met her) sent her a gift card to go shopping. We got nothing in response, not even a thank you to my parents. DH is pretty heated about it and has mentioned not sending her anything for Christmas and I am torn about this. I feel bad treating the two differently but at the same time why should she expect to get presents & things with no acknowledgement of what we send and she isn't talking to us anyway. She is 16 yrs and should at least have some sort of manners....is it a bad idea to not send her anything?

by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 7:24 PM
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Replies (1-10):
cLanief
by Bronze Member on Aug. 27, 2013 at 7:27 PM
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You shouldn't expect anything out of someone for you giving a gift. It may be the thing one SHOULD do. But when it comes to a 16yo who's not even talking to you and someone she doesnt even know... expecting anything would be a miracle in itself.
MM23
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 7:31 PM

 We weren't expecting anything but a thank you or a hey I got the card/gift card. I am sorry but I have taught my children manners & if someone sends you something you say thank you, should I just tell my parents not to send her something because she doesn't know them? They were trying to be nice and treat all the kids the same & that deserves a thank you.

Quoting cLanief:

You shouldn't expect anything out of someone for you giving a gift. It may be the thing one SHOULD do. But when it comes to a 16yo who's not even talking to you and someone she doesnt even know... expecting anything would be a miracle in itself.


 

GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Aug. 27, 2013 at 7:35 PM
3 moms liked this
Two wrongs don't make a right. Whatever it is she is not speaking to you guys about him acting like that will not improve the situation. Want to improve the situation with a 16 year old girl? Do NOT act like a 16 year old girl.
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Aug. 27, 2013 at 7:36 PM

Honestly, I rarely send thank you notes myself.  Never have.  My grandmother, years ago (well before marriage/kids) told me that she was going to STOP sending me gifts if she didn't get a thank you note from me (now, mind you, this was on the phone call I made to SAY thank you and catch up with her too).  I told her that was fine. I knew she loved me, and if she sent gifts expecting something in return, perhaps it would be better for us both if she stopped (I never did like what she sent/gave me, except for one year she gave me a tote bag (regifted as it still had HER name on it), but it was the first/last useful gift she gave me).  She didn't send something that year for my birthday but then I did get something for Christmas.  No biggie on my part.  Apparently it was on hers. 

I know, Miss Manners would slap my wrist for this but I do NOT expect thank you notes for gifts I send.  I just don't.  I do appreciate a phone call from the receiver but I don't 'expect' that either.  If I'm close enough to someone to WANT to send them something then it's likely we talk fairly often anyway. 

What's the lesson BF wants to teach his 16yo?  No thank you note, no further gifts?  Will she even 'get' that message if they're not speaking now?  I'm thinking the message will be lost unless he tells her what the lesson is.   If he does that, I don't see that he's any better than she is but at least she has youth and ignorance on her side... what does he have? 

It's not the path I'd take with my own kids, or anyone I would normally send a gift to.  It's not a hill I'd die on.  For him it may be? 

Or, to make the point, perhaps DH can send his DD thank you cards, envelopes, and stamps for Christmas? 

As for your parents, it WAS nice but since she's not YOUR child, YOU didn't raise her that way, and perhaps BM and BF didn't either.  You cannot expect someone to have the manners you have if they weren't raised that way. And it's a waste of time to be upset about it at this point, IMO.  Surely not 'everyone' your parents have given gifts to over the years have sent a thank you note.  I don't see that your parents, whom SD has never met, need to send her anything.  SD isn't likely expecting anything from them either. 

kristinbugg
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 7:38 PM

One does not give a gift with expectations of anything in return.  That negates the whole concept of GIVING a GIFT.

MM23
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 7:39 PM
1 mom liked this

 This why I don't agree with him. But at the same time I understand where he is coming from. This is teaching her it's ok to act out and be disrepectful to whoever she wants whenever she wants & yet she still should receive presents. IMO at 16 she should know how to be polite. My family has done nothing to her to deserve to be disrespected.

Quoting GlockMom:

Two wrongs don't make a right. Whatever it is she is not speaking to you guys about him acting like that will not improve the situation. Want to improve the situation with a 16 year old girl? Do NOT act like a 16 year old girl.


 

bergencounty
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 7:40 PM

 Was it sent certified so that you know that she got it?

Quoting MM23:

 We weren't expecting anything but a thank you or a hey I got the card/gift card. I am sorry but I have taught my children manners & if someone sends you something you say thank you, should I just tell my parents not to send her something because she doesn't know them? They were trying to be nice and treat all the kids the same & that deserves a thank you.

Quoting cLanief:

You shouldn't expect anything out of someone for you giving a gift. It may be the thing one SHOULD do. But when it comes to a 16yo who's not even talking to you and someone she doesnt even know... expecting anything would be a miracle in itself.

 

 

 

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Aug. 27, 2013 at 7:41 PM

Does she even know how to contact your family if they've never met?  And, today is TUESDAY.  If she DID send them a thank you, and her birthday was over the weekend, why would you think they'd have received it yet? 

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Aug. 27, 2013 at 7:41 PM
3 moms liked this

You guys arent talking. She's 16. You sent her some money. She doesnt know what to do. You say she should know better. well some do, but lots still dont know the right thing to do and sometimes they just dont. Holding this against her would be a big mistake.

Get down to brass tacks. Why isnt she speaking with you guys? Be as honest as possible. But you are going to need to start THERE, not why she didnt say thankyou. That is how things spiral out of control Gain back control and start with why the communication broke down.

iSMILEheCRIES
by Bronze Member on Aug. 27, 2013 at 7:42 PM
2 moms liked this
Its annoying for sure. I think reminding her of good manners "hey did you get the gifts because we haven't heard from you" gives her the chance to either remember her manners or choose to snub you...then you could take the next step-not sure what that would be for me personally, I would be more angry that she didn't do the right thing given the chance...but no Christmas is so hard to say.
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