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What issues affect the stepchild only?

Posted by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 1:53 PM
  • 44 Replies

You know I love you Pero.

I think it would be interesting to discuss the topics concerning the stepchild only that the EOWE SM doesn't need to put her nose in. I aim to keep things separate but I am probably a big overstepper in my own way without realizing.

Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 1:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
phoenixhuntress
by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 3:02 PM

Since I have mid-late teen SKs I have no idea about little ones...but for me I think some are who they date, what courses they take in school, where they go to college (unless they want Harvard which means I'd never see DH becaus he'd be working 4 jobs!), what they do at BM's house...just to name a few.  

Bertieb
by Bronze Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 3:29 PM

My youngest step is 19 and I haven't had a voice in any decisions regarding their lives (except my actual marriage) that I can think of. DH is his parent and if DH asks advice I give him my opinion. Now when DH said his 23 yo may need to move in and he had drug issues, I did say I wasn't comfortable with him living with us and my teen daughter.

bottomline
by Silver Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 3:37 PM

 I think this varies with custody. CSM vs EOWE SM makes a huge difference. IMO.

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 3:38 PM

Ok, EOWE SM.

Quoting bottomline:

 I think this varies with custody. CSM vs EOWE SM makes a huge difference. IMO.


Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 4:03 PM

This seems like a broad topic...  Can you give some examples?

Skid issue only in regards to other kids in house?  


EricaHowell
by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 4:06 PM
3 moms liked this

I agree with a lot of things you say in other posts and I like the idea of a discussion about things that a SM shouldn't be involved with. IMO, it depends a lot on the family and if it is NCSM or CSM and what DH wants your role to be.

In my home (we have 50/50), my DH wants me to be involved as much as possible. I have reinforced to SDs that BM and BD are the ones who make big decisions but I will try to keep DH from being a typical dad with things like dating (he doesn't want them to date until they are 30 lol). DH does ask my advice and opinion about most things with them - not because he isn't capable of making the decision himself, but because he values my opinion and knows that sometimes I present to him a different POV. I try to be SDs' adult "friend" - one who can listen to things they don't want to discuss with BM and BD, but also the one who will give advice that is in their best interest. 

If they ask me for my opinion, I certainly give it to them as it relates to their best interest. If they want to share something that happened at BM's house, I listen and try to give both sides (staying neutral) and reiterate that BM and BD love them more than anything. I know as they get older, there will be issues with boys, butting heads as teens with their parents and others, so I try to make myself as available as possible (and trustworthy) so that they feel like they can discuss with me. I hope that means that I can help be there for them, as support, even if they don't want to talk to BM or BD about it, and keep them out of trouble. If we do talk about something that they confide in me, I try to also convince them to talk to BM and BD for whatever reasons that are applicable.

Just how it works in my house and why I do what I do :)


leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 4:30 PM
1 mom liked this

It is a broad topic, in another post Pero stated that SM doesn't need to be consulted on issues that affected the stepchild only. I wanted to know what those issues were because I have had very personal discussions with my girlfriends about their children where I give advice, so I am wondering why is it so different that my husband can't consult with me over those issues concerning SS?

Skid's issue generally.

Quoting pdxmum:

This seems like a broad topic...  Can you give some examples?

Skid issue only in regards to other kids in house?  



Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 4:33 PM

Did your SS move in? 

Quoting Bertieb:

My youngest step is 19 and I haven't had a voice in any decisions regarding their lives (except my actual marriage) that I can think of. DH is his parent and if DH asks advice I give him my opinion. Now when DH said his 23 yo may need to move in and he had drug issues, I did say I wasn't comfortable with him living with us and my teen daughter.


Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 4:38 PM
1 mom liked this


I don't think there is anything DH doesn't discuss with me about skids.  Well, as far as SD20 is concerned, I am not all that interested and don"t particularly like her right now, so I have asked him not to use me as a sounding board.  But we will discuss specific things as they come up and as long as I can remain neutral, I engage.  But when I notice my own dislike becoming a factor, I back off.  And I tell him why. he completely understands my limited ability to process issues about SD20.

But with SSs, we talk about everything.

Turning that around, as SF, I talk to DH about everything with DDs.

We kind of like and respect each other, and we know each of us only wants what is best for our skids.  It is pretty natural for us to talk about all the kids and our concerns and hopes and dreams and frustrations about them.

We don't "require" consultation.  Each of us is perfectly capable of and free to make decisions about our kids without consulting each other.  But again, we like each other and respect the other's input so way more often than not we run stuff by each other.

Is that what you mean?

Quoting leegirl_jm:

It is a broad topic, in another post Pero stated that SM doesn't need to be consulted on issues that affected the stepchild only. I wanted to know what those issues were because I have had very personal discussions with my girlfriends about their children where I give advice, so I am wondering why is it so different that my husband can't consult with me over those issues concerning SS?

Skid's issue generally.

Quoting pdxmum:

This seems like a broad topic...  Can you give some examples?

Skid issue only in regards to other kids in house?  





Pero3
by Silver Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 4:43 PM
2 moms liked this

I love you too, lee!

So, for me .. the choice of education. I'm happy paying for it myself (pretty much do anyway), but shut your mouth about the path we (BF andI) took ages ago. And even if I didn't pay for it myself ... you should have monitored the situation (including all the agreements) more carefully to check whether it suited you .. BEFORE you married.

The "extras" DD gets (taekwon-do lessons, flute lessons, Larry the Horse) ...  BF isn't contributing to them, it isn't affecting his time ,,, again, shut your mouth, nobody gives a monkey's arse whether you think my child is spoiled or not.

Medical decisions ... I pay for brain scans, I pay for physiotherapy, I do the driving ... nobody cares whether or not you think it's necessary or not, or whether a little plant grows in Siberia which could cure it all.

Morals ... I find it highly concerning when a 13-year old behaves like a mare in heat ... so I tell my DD that's what the "local bikes" do ... don't care whether you consider this appropriate for your kids, knock yourself out (or them up) ... just mind your own business,

Personal hygiene ... when I wash knickers coming from your house, I want to be able to assume that the blood or other stains (yuk) in the knickers stem from my child ... not your offspring. I don't care whether you think it is perfectly alright for YOUR children to share knickers, it isn't for mine (and it would be if they were ALL mine and full siblings). The same applies for shoes.

Religion .. I don't care whether or not your ex is Muslim and considers pork "dirty". By all means, don't serve it, by all means explain to my child that some cultures and religions do consider it "dirty" ... but don't tell her that it actually IS dirty.

I will discuss these issues with the father of my child, who hopefully doesn't neeed his wife's input on personal crap like that.

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