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BM just got sentenced to prison

Posted by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 1:58 PM
  • 50 Replies

My husband and I have been together for 3 yrs and have lived together this whole time beween us we have 7 children all together oldest is 9 and youngest is 18 mts.  BM started fucking up 2 years ago. and has been in and out of their life.  She has been in jail 6 of thos months to when my SD7 went and visited her.  when she was in 1st grade all her creative writing consitsted of her visiting her mom in jail and how sad it was and how she missed her and loved her.  We iniatially hid it from the kids because there was no need for them to know she was there until she wanted to see her.  my other 2 sk are ss3 and ss5.  She was picked up again on the 22 and just plead guilty to 2 felonies the other day.  We were just informed that she will be serving 2 years in prison and it hurts.  I just dont understand and probably never will how a mother could intentionally do this and know that she is hurting her children.  She has had full custody through the courts but has only been allowed to see the kids when she was with her parents or gparents because we worried about their safety, but now that we know exatally where she is we will be filing for full custody, and in AZ you can go as far as terminating parental right for being a convicted felon. I know its a harsh thing but whos to know if this sentence will strighten her out and its is an option that we are considering she was given probation and refused to abide by it and now she has to pay her dues to the state.   Now we told the 5 and 7 yr olds that she was back in jail but now we are gonna have to explain to them that she will not be around at all for the next couple years and i just want to cry.  They are my babies i  love them as my own and the last thing i want to do is cause them this pain.  I know its not us causing it but we are the ones who have to ease it and we are no longer making up the lies of her being sick and giving them that hope of her getting better. Because reality is she is the one that decided to do what shes has done and we have been her to pick up the pieces.  She has 5 other felonys pending on her right now as well as well as 4 shoplifing charges that have yet to be brought up.   Our 3 yrs old knows nothing hes was only 8 months when i came along so he calls me mama and him mom mommy but he has never had her in his life regularly but he started noticing she wasnt around more and more.  In a heartbreaking situation that no kid should have to go through.  I know im newer to the site and have posted here and here but really just had to vent.  Thank you ladies for reading.

by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 1:58 PM
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Replies (1-10):
spicy0425
by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 2:04 PM
2 moms liked this

I don't know what to say but good luck to you and your family. I know how you feel when you care for the kids, regardless whether they are your bioligically or not. I'd been there, helplessly listening to them crying out for their mom who wasn't there.

venessaw04
by Bronze Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 2:58 PM

thank you I appreciate it.  


Quoting spicy0425:

I don't know what to say but good luck to you and your family. I know how you feel when you care for the kids, regardless whether they are your bioligically or not. I'd been there, helplessly listening to them crying out for their mom who wasn't there.



luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 3:05 PM
1 mom liked this
Goodness. First, paragraphs please! I don't say that to be rude, but your post is hard to read the way it's written.

Second, how have you been keeping the kids from her is she had full custody? Did she just not care?

Third, I dont think the kids need to know she's in jail. At this age, a simple "mommy had to move away for awhile" will suffice.

Lastly, I agree filing for a change in custody is a good idea, I do not agree with trying to terminate her rights. File for sole custody with her having zero visits, to be revisited in mediation when she gets out of jail. That way when the time comes mom and dad can come together in mediation to work out a supervised visit schedule that eventually will hopefully lead to unsupervised if she is doing well.
venessaw04
by Bronze Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 3:41 PM

First off we have not been keeping the kids from her and have tried to get her to have them as much as possible. But she has had 4 warrants out for her arrest so really what we said went as to having them spending the night only when with her family was that.  She was bouncing around place to place and not clean.  There would be times when she said she would be there and then never showed. Or times when she was at her grandparents and stole his car in the middle of the night and his money luckily the kids were not with here that weekend cause soon after we got a text asking if she could run away and take them with her.

We dont think lying to the kids is the right way to go, at first its was what were doing until she had requested for our 7 yr old to be brought down to the jail for visitation.  I know for a fact that she will be wanting that again.   It is also good that they know because they will also be writing back and fourth to eachother.  These letters are written as if she is speaking to an adult but still puts a smile on her face to receive them. So the truth is what they we have told them.

You see when we started having them full time rather then every other week it was done by her sitter dropping them off with a bag of clothes and 100 bucks and a letter. When she was first arrested her house was raided meth was found forged script Identity theft and this is when she had her own house that was suppose to be a safe and the kids were suppose to be with her later that day.  She has shoplifted with them and been caught, she has smoked heroin  while they were with her.  She was no longer allowed at her moms house because she stole pain pills amonst other things.  As I said it is something that we are considering, but most definatlly will be filing for sole custody.  I hope that she gets better and prison sets her mind straight for the kids, its what ive been telling her and hoping for her to be a mom she should want to be.



Quoting luckystars2012:

Goodness. First, paragraphs please! I don't say that to be rude, but your post is hard to read the way it's written.

Second, how have you been keeping the kids from her is she had full custody? Did she just not care?

Third, I dont think the kids need to know she's in jail. At this age, a simple "mommy had to move away for awhile" will suffice.

Lastly, I agree filing for a change in custody is a good idea, I do not agree with trying to terminate her rights. File for sole custody with her having zero visits, to be revisited in mediation when she gets out of jail. That way when the time comes mom and dad can come together in mediation to work out a supervised visit schedule that eventually will hopefully lead to unsupervised if she is doing well.



pepper504
by Platinum Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 4:06 PM
2 moms liked this

DH should file for sole custody with her having supervised visitations pending she pass a urine test before visitation. 


SMInProgress
by on Aug. 30, 2013 at 4:16 PM

There's no easy answer on this because really depends on how long the BM will be in prison by the sound of it, for a long while. But it sounds like sole custody is the only choice.  She sounds like a sociopath.  Good luck.

jlg12678
by Gold Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 4:17 PM
2 moms liked this

Your dh needs to file for sole custody immediately. Upon release bm should ahve supervised visitation and I like Pepper's suggestion about drug screening.

I would not terminate her rights completely as it seems rash. Deal with what is before you and see what the future holds.

venessaw04
by Bronze Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 4:36 PM

He will be and we have no problem letting her see them and had given her every chance to do so before, as a child i was kept from my mother and would never want that done to them.  

luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 4:36 PM

Im sorry, but a three year old and five year old dont need to know that their mommy is in jail.  You also dont need to tell the 7 yo that shes gone BACK to jail.  Its obvious that her mommy being in jail caused her a great amount of distress the first time around, why would you want to continue that?  And no, they dont need to go see her in jail either.  Given the issues the 7yo had, its obviously not in her best interests to see her mom in jail.  They can write letters and mom can call.


As I said, dad filing for full custody is a good idea, but terminating her rights is not.  She is still their mom.


Quoting venessaw04:

First off we have not been keeping the kids from her and have tried to get her to have them as much as possible. But she has had 4 warrants out for her arrest so really what we said went as to having them spending the night only when with her family was that.  She was bouncing around place to place and not clean.  There would be times when she said she would be there and then never showed. Or times when she was at her grandparents and stole his car in the middle of the night and his money luckily the kids were not with here that weekend cause soon after we got a text asking if she could run away and take them with her.

We dont think lying to the kids is the right way to go, at first its was what were doing until she had requested for our 7 yr old to be brought down to the jail for visitation.  I know for a fact that she will be wanting that again.   It is also good that they know because they will also be writing back and fourth to eachother.  These letters are written as if she is speaking to an adult but still puts a smile on her face to receive them. So the truth is what they we have told them.

You see when we started having them full time rather then every other week it was done by her sitter dropping them off with a bag of clothes and 100 bucks and a letter. When she was first arrested her house was raided meth was found forged script Identity theft and this is when she had her own house that was suppose to be a safe and the kids were suppose to be with her later that day.  She has shoplifted with them and been caught, she has smoked heroin  while they were with her.  She was no longer allowed at her moms house because she stole pain pills amonst other things.  As I said it is something that we are considering, but most definatlly will be filing for sole custody.  I hope that she gets better and prison sets her mind straight for the kids, its what ive been telling her and hoping for her to be a mom she should want to be.



Quoting luckystars2012:

Goodness. First, paragraphs please! I don't say that to be rude, but your post is hard to read the way it's written.

Second, how have you been keeping the kids from her is she had full custody? Did she just not care?

Third, I dont think the kids need to know she's in jail. At this age, a simple "mommy had to move away for awhile" will suffice.

Lastly, I agree filing for a change in custody is a good idea, I do not agree with trying to terminate her rights. File for sole custody with her having zero visits, to be revisited in mediation when she gets out of jail. That way when the time comes mom and dad can come together in mediation to work out a supervised visit schedule that eventually will hopefully lead to unsupervised if she is doing well.





venessaw04
by Bronze Member on Aug. 30, 2013 at 4:45 PM

Have you been in my situation or in my shoes?  Have you had to deal with an absent parent to the children you love?  You can chose what to do and how to run your household, as we decide how to run ours.  The 3 yr old has not idea where their mommy is. So please do not sit here and tell me what i need to do and not do thanks.


Quoting luckystars2012:

Im sorry, but a three year old and five year old dont need to know that their mommy is in jail.  You also dont need to tell the 7 yo that shes gone BACK to jail.  Its obvious that her mommy being in jail caused her a great amount of distress the first time around, why would you want to continue that?  And no, they dont need to go see her in jail either.  Given the issues the 7yo had, its obviously not in her best interests to see her mom in jail.  They can write letters and mom can call.


As I said, dad filing for full custody is a good idea, but terminating her rights is not.  She is still their mom.


Quoting venessaw04:

First off we have not been keeping the kids from her and have tried to get her to have them as much as possible. But she has had 4 warrants out for her arrest so really what we said went as to having them spending the night only when with her family was that.  She was bouncing around place to place and not clean.  There would be times when she said she would be there and then never showed. Or times when she was at her grandparents and stole his car in the middle of the night and his money luckily the kids were not with here that weekend cause soon after we got a text asking if she could run away and take them with her.

We dont think lying to the kids is the right way to go, at first its was what were doing until she had requested for our 7 yr old to be brought down to the jail for visitation.  I know for a fact that she will be wanting that again.   It is also good that they know because they will also be writing back and fourth to eachother.  These letters are written as if she is speaking to an adult but still puts a smile on her face to receive them. So the truth is what they we have told them.

You see when we started having them full time rather then every other week it was done by her sitter dropping them off with a bag of clothes and 100 bucks and a letter. When she was first arrested her house was raided meth was found forged script Identity theft and this is when she had her own house that was suppose to be a safe and the kids were suppose to be with her later that day.  She has shoplifted with them and been caught, she has smoked heroin  while they were with her.  She was no longer allowed at her moms house because she stole pain pills amonst other things.  As I said it is something that we are considering, but most definatlly will be filing for sole custody.  I hope that she gets better and prison sets her mind straight for the kids, its what ive been telling her and hoping for her to be a mom she should want to be.



Quoting luckystars2012:

Goodness. First, paragraphs please! I don't say that to be rude, but your post is hard to read the way it's written.

Second, how have you been keeping the kids from her is she had full custody? Did she just not care?

Third, I dont think the kids need to know she's in jail. At this age, a simple "mommy had to move away for awhile" will suffice.

Lastly, I agree filing for a change in custody is a good idea, I do not agree with trying to terminate her rights. File for sole custody with her having zero visits, to be revisited in mediation when she gets out of jail. That way when the time comes mom and dad can come together in mediation to work out a supervised visit schedule that eventually will hopefully lead to unsupervised if she is doing well.







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