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SM losing her mind

Posted by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 11:44 AM
  • 21 Replies

I am the SM to a 10 year old SD that is manipulative and hateful. She is jealous of my BS and BD. She is with us 70% of the time and has managed to drive a wedge between her dad and I. She has outbursts telling her father that she hates him, he's a terrible father and that he doesn't love her. She hits him and attacks him during these outbursts. After 30 minutes of trying to let them work it out, I end up intervening by telling her she needs to close her mouth because I'm not allowing that kind of nasty talk in the house. I have to tell him to walk away and quit trying to "talk" to her. When she is raging, she is not listening to anything he is trying to say. After these outbursts, my husband is quickly over it, and myself.....well, I'm not. It takes me days. I do not want to be around her. I usually spend the days outside doing yard work just to get away. We are in therapy, but my husband and his daughter go together. He is a very private person and he is good at sugar coating these blowouts with the therapist. Why can't I be the adult and move past these outbursts? My husband says I'm in competition with the ten year old, but I feel like he has given her the power to compete, because he does not properly discipline her. My hands are tied and I'm feel like I'm losing my mind. 

We raised our children so differently. Example: When my BD was 10, I made sure that she was neat and tidy before school. I helped her do her hair until she was able to do it on her own. My SD has been allowed to go to school with wet hair. (her hair is long) Even on the coldest mornings. She wants to wear the same pair of pants three days in a row. I talked to her father and said that it's a reflection on us as parents that she is going to school with wet hair. So he tries to talk to her about blow-drying her hair or having me do it and she refuses. So that's the end of that. She wins and I drop her off for school with wet hair.  This is just one of many daily problems I have. It's ruining my marriage and making me hate this little girl. It's a terrible feeling.

by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 11:44 AM
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Replies (1-10):
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 11:49 AM
1 mom liked this
You need to have dad do everything for her. You and she do not have a good relationship and you shouldn't be responsible for getting her to school and etc. if dad doesn't get her under control, he needs to exclusively deal with her.
ardan85
by New Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 11:49 AM
I can so relate to this post and cam feel your pain. Sounds like your husband plays the role as a friend more so than a father. At therapy, he may sugar cost the wicked behavior as a means of trying to put it out of his mind. Like: if I don't talk about it, it didn't happen. I imagine the entire household feels the stress. Hugs!
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 12:11 PM
1 mom liked this


You should not intervene, you should let dad handle this himself.

Yoru husband is not raising his daughter the same way you would. But she is his daughter, not yours. If you try to change  his parenting style or interfer with his parenting, it will come back to bite you. you are better off just accepting that this is the way he wants to do things, And in the end, his daughter will probably turn out just fine. Not everything has to be your way.

I would focus on the good things about your SD, and try to leave it at that. You will all be happier.

Quoting Missygail1973:

After 30 minutes of trying to let them work it out, I end up intervening 


DeliteCrazy
by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 12:31 PM

Your dh is not going to see your side, and as you're experiencing, he is defending his daughter.

So let dad handle it, he will change when what he is doing is not working.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 12:47 PM
2 moms liked this


Seriously? You HATE this little girl and it's ruining your marriage because her dad lets her go to school with wet hair?

How is the wet hair an issue to you AT ALL? Is it just a matter of control on your part? Of needing to feel important? Because really, I can't imagine how this girl's wet hair inpacts your life in any possible way.

Quoting Missygail1973:


We raised our children so differently. Example: When my BD was 10, I made sure that she was neat and tidy before school. I helped her do her hair until she was able to do it on her own. My SD has been allowed to go to school with wet hair. (her hair is long) Even on the coldest mornings. She wants to wear the same pair of pants three days in a row. I talked to her father and said that it's a reflection on us as parents that she is going to school with wet hair. So he tries to talk to her about blow-drying her hair or having me do it and she refuses. So that's the end of that. She wins and I drop her off for school with wet hair.  This is just one of many daily problems I have. It's ruining my marriage and making me hate this little girl. It's a terrible feeling.



packermomof2
by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 12:56 PM

My daughter used to have fits that would have made Ghandi lose it.  The outbursts were terrible, stemmed from some serious triggers.  She's been in therapy for a while for the triggers and stress.  The fits themselves eased up when the triggers and stress were reduced.  I didn't tell people how bad they got.  I felt bad enough that *I* couldn't end them myself, I didn't want people looking at my kid like she was a bad kid, it was a hard time for my daughter and myself.

I didn't want my husband intervening.  That wasn't his "place"... it was hard enough with me involved, he didn't need to get involved in that.  I did things my way, sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn't and I was constantly trying to figure out new ways to do things with her.  A third party involved in that would have made things worse.  

She's 12 now and has calmed down quite a bit and has been calmed down for about 2 years.  She's more like a preteen now, some things set her off, but the fit is what a normal 12 year old would have and it really isn't a fit so much as an attitude that comes with the age.

Parents are close to the situation and I think some people think that means that the parent can't see what is going on totally.  For most parents, though, I think it means we know the kid better and we don't like seeing our kid that way and we're going to do our best to help them and that is going to be trial and error.  If we wanted others intervening and involving themselves, parents would ask for that.

newstepmom61811
by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 1:22 PM
1 mom liked this
Like the movie says, "Cougar, you're holding on too tight, you're losing it" (Top Gun). I GET IT. It's really hard to watch another adult, parent, take crap from a kid you would never take, or parent very differently than you would. I am a CSM, I definitely have these moments with DH too...I would be a stricter parent than DH, but they aren't mine. You CAN NOT play referee it simply does not work, he has to set boundaries with his own kids...and I have found a trick...you can set your own with HIS kids for yourself...ESPECIALLY as preteens/teens...I have clearly told the kids how I expect specifically to be "dealt" with, meaning when they disagree with me, they are FINE to voice it, in a discussion format, I will listen, that are NOT OK to use anger or hostility because I do not use it on them. I have made it clear that I am not going anywhere, I won't punish them, that will be up to dad if they are disrespectful, but it is MY home too. I have told them plainly...I do not expect my butt to be kissed, but if they can't at least be minimally respectful, they will find me very unpleasant and they will get the hell out of MY way because it is MY home and I am going nowhere, they can stay in their space, their rooms if they can't be respectful. So I have set MY boundary for myself...I am simply not willing to have the arguments the kids do with DH...and I don't, they don't even start them with me the way they do with him, they have learned...I just don't engage where he can get entangled with them and it can go on...I just walk away...that's how he wants to handle his kids, I want to handle them differently...I put them in their rooms until they calm down...I just don't want the conflict from the outset...and it's ok...kids adapt just fine to different personalities and temperaments...the key is I AM NOT CHANGING ANY RULES...I am just not engaging every little fight like DH does...our boundaries and tempers are far different...and kids can handle different personalities.
And as for the wet hair...it is NOT a reflection on you...you aren't her parent...she's getting to the age where peer pressure will also start to mold her...my SS10 was lazy about showering, wiping his butt, often smelled like poop for a while...all the nagging DH I did did not change a thing...the minute his classmates teased him about smelling like poop..he freaked...the problem was instantly fixed...let that stuff go...it is not worth the aggravation...is she fed, learning, getting to school every day...focus on the big stuff...you're getting trapped in the forest for the trees...
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 1:24 PM

DD has similar meltdowns. DH is her dad, and when I'm dealing with a meltdown it does NOT help to have him get involved, same as when he's the one dealing with it it doesn't have to have me get involved.

DD has been in therapy off and on for nearly 3 years.

As for the OP, forcing her to dry her hair before school isn't a hill I'd die on. There's no scientific evidence that having wet hair, even when it's cold outside, makes a person more susceptible to getting sick or anything like that. If the kid doesn't want to dry her hair, whatever. It's not the end of  the world.


Quoting packermomof2:

My daughter used to have fits that would have made Ghandi lose it.  The outbursts were terrible, stemmed from some serious triggers.  She's been in therapy for a while for the triggers and stress.  The fits themselves eased up when the triggers and stress were reduced.  I didn't tell people how bad they got.  I felt bad enough that *I* couldn't end them myself, I didn't want people looking at my kid like she was a bad kid, it was a hard time for my daughter and myself.

I didn't want my husband intervening.  That wasn't his "place"... it was hard enough with me involved, he didn't need to get involved in that.  I did things my way, sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn't and I was constantly trying to figure out new ways to do things with her.  A third party involved in that would have made things worse.  

She's 12 now and has calmed down quite a bit and has been calmed down for about 2 years.  She's more like a preteen now, some things set her off, but the fit is what a normal 12 year old would have and it really isn't a fit so much as an attitude that comes with the age.

Parents are close to the situation and I think some people think that means that the parent can't see what is going on totally.  For most parents, though, I think it means we know the kid better and we don't like seeing our kid that way and we're going to do our best to help them and that is going to be trial and error.  If we wanted others intervening and involving themselves, parents would ask for that.



annabl1970
by Gold Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 1:29 PM
Why do you care?
He lets her to act that way, he lets her to hit him and be rude - maybe he deserves that? That how I would look at this. Anyone who takes abuse and nastiness and keep forgiving it - will not get any respect from me.
If she hits you or your kids you should take actions, otherwise stay away.

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packermomof2
by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 1:39 PM



Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

DD has similar meltdowns. DH is her dad, and when I'm dealing with a meltdown it does NOT help to have him get involved, same as when he's the one dealing with it it doesn't have to have me get involved.

DD has been in therapy off and on for nearly 3 years.

As for the OP, forcing her to dry her hair before school isn't a hill I'd die on. There's no scientific evidence that having wet hair, even when it's cold outside, makes a person more susceptible to getting sick or anything like that. If the kid doesn't want to dry her hair, whatever. It's not the end of  the world.


I agree.  If my daughter was going to have a problem with drying her hair... fine.. natural consequences for you, my dear.  She'll be colder.  But I have my kids shower at night so we don't have to worry about drying the hair in the morning (daughter is not a morning person and it wouldn't be with the hassle).
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