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Slight issue....not sure what to say or do....kinda long....

Posted by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 10:51 PM
  • 21 Replies

So, on y'all advice, I took the road of disengaging from SD. I do nothing for her anymore.  Her dad must do everything for her- from laundry to dishes, etc.  

So that is no longer an issue and honestly it has cut down on our fighting- a lot. 

In the meantime- a slight issue has come up.  

SD is 11.  And with that comes a typical 11 year old, tween know it all attitude. 

DS is 7.  He has ADHD and a heart condition and an immiune system disorder.  

On top of that, I have recently (within the last 2 weeks) been told that I have cervical cancer.  I had surgery last week to remove most of my cervix and what not.  The test from the tissue that they removed came back that it's in the very early stages and they got all of the tumor.  I have a follow up- week after next to do another pap and some other test to make sure that they got everything. 

My 7 year old does NOT know that I have a dx with cancer.  He knows I had surgery to "get the bad stuff out" and that I have to some tests. He is very familiar with hospitals from his own health problems.

Okay so that's the background information.  

Now the Issue---

SD has decided to start talking about some major life events with DS.  She has decided to talk to him about death and hospitals and dying, etc.  

ONLY IT"S MISINFORMATION! 

Like horribly wrong information.  

She is telling him that if a child dies then the mom gets so sad that she dies too.  She told him that if you go to the hospital- you die.  

DS already has axienty about his hospital visits, etc.  He does not like needles, or even the hospital really.  

My point is-- I need her to stop giving him misinformation about things that she clearly has no idea what she is talking about.  

I am NOT discussing it with her because I don't want the backlash from mom or dad.  

I have spoken to dad about it and he says "well that is between her and her mom" 

ARGH! No, it's my problem now cause she doesn't shut up! 

So, where do I go?  How do I counsel little man?  

by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 10:51 PM
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Replies (1-10):
rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 11:02 PM

I would just pull your DS aside and have a ono-on one talk with him to dicuss the things SD is telling him and to set the record straight about some of the lies she has told him. Then tell him that not everything SD tells him is the truth and if he ever has any questions or concerns to come straight to you for clarification. He should be comforted by that.

happymommy1105
by Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 11:06 PM

I have been talking to him.  He is a worrier though.  And it's exhustating for me to have to deal with this, every other weekend. 

Like by the time I get him back on track from the last time she was here, it's almost time for her to come back.  

I would prefer it just stops all together.  

Would it be wrong of me when she starts in with it to just tell her to stop, to change the subject?

Quoting rocknmom85:

I would just pull your DS aside and have a ono-on one talk with him to dicuss the things SD is telling him and to set the record straight about some of the lies she has told him. Then tell him that not everything SD tells him is the truth and if he ever has any questions or concerns to come straight to you for clarification. He should be comforted by that.


newstepmom61811
by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 11:13 PM
2 moms liked this

Yes, refer her to her dad' if he's not there, straight to her room she goes...clearly, for lying and purposely scaring your son...and that's exactly what you tell her...and she can wait for dad to handle her and occupy her time...you don't need to set or even enforce a punishment...simply extinguish the contact...if dad is present, immediately intervene and send her to him...if not, then to her room until such time as he is home to handle her...you simply say "lying to scare younger children will not be tolerated, come with me, I think you need to be with you father, not here." Or "lying to scare younger children will not be tolerated, go to your room until your father gets here."


Quoting happymommy1105:

I have been talking to him.  He is a worrier though.  And it's exhustating for me to have to deal with this, every other weekend. 

Like by the time I get him back on track from the last time she was here, it's almost time for her to come back.  

I would prefer it just stops all together.  

Would it be wrong of me when she starts in with it to just tell her to stop, to change the subject?

Quoting rocknmom85:

I would just pull your DS aside and have a ono-on one talk with him to dicuss the things SD is telling him and to set the record straight about some of the lies she has told him. Then tell him that not everything SD tells him is the truth and if he ever has any questions or concerns to come straight to you for clarification. He should be comforted by that.




newstepmom61811
by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 11:19 PM

To add, the bigger issue you make it for DS the bigger issue he will make it...you as his mother carry more weight than ANYONE trust wise in his life...don't make big drama about her lies, he won't make it about her lying and trying to scare him, that's what he'll take from it...you get her out of the room and then tell him no holds barred "she's trying to scare you and I don't know why but people go to hospitals all the time for all sorts of reasons, sometimes they are sick and need to get better, sometimes when they're healthy and just need their regular check-up, hospitals really are not a big deal." And then kiss him on the forehead and go on. If you diffuse it and dial down the drama so will he. He will take his cues from you mamma

happymommy1105
by Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 11:27 PM

I will admit that sometimes I do need to just tell him to knock it off he knows the truth and move on and I feed it instead.  I do need to be better about that.  

The lying issue though- I'm not completely sure she thinks she is lying.  I'm not sure she has ever had death explained to her in any sort of way.  Nobody in her family that she is close to has ever passed away, she has never been to a funeral.  I honestly think she thinks she is telling the truth because nobody has ever explained this to her.  

I don't get her mom and dad's parenting of her.  Honestly, I just don't.  It makes no sense to me what so ever.  They allow her to watch adult shows, get on the internet unsupervised, and then don't explain things to her.  

Whatever.  Their kid, their problem.  

My concern is my child's cooperation with his medical team to keep him safe and healthy!

Quoting newstepmom61811:

To add, the bigger issue you make it for DS the bigger issue he will make it...you as his mother carry more weight than ANYONE trust wise in his life...don't make big drama about her lies, he won't make it about her lying and trying to scare him, that's what he'll take from it...you get her out of the room and then tell him no holds barred "she's trying to scare you and I don't know why but people go to hospitals all the time for all sorts of reasons, sometimes they are sick and need to get better, sometimes when they're healthy and just need their regular check-up, hospitals really are not a big deal." And then kiss him on the forehead and go on. If you diffuse it and dial down the drama so will he. He will take his cues from you mamma


newstepmom61811
by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 11:32 PM

Well, that paints a VERY different picture...if your DS has enough knowledge to know the truth and is effectively being dramatic for your response...that's on you...if you truly question what SD has been taught...that is an issue to discuss with DH...if there is animosity between him and BM and he may not want to correct the child for drama that will come back on him well, shame on him for what I personally think is failing his child...he is the parent and owes her honesty and not fear...I would start getting him to see someone who specializes in blended families to learn to better parent by this child...and more effectively navigate your home.


Quoting happymommy1105:

I will admit that sometimes I do need to just tell him to knock it off he knows the truth and move on and I feed it instead.  I do need to be better about that.  

The lying issue though- I'm not completely sure she thinks she is lying.  I'm not sure she has ever had death explained to her in any sort of way.  Nobody in her family that she is close to has ever passed away, she has never been to a funeral.  I honestly think she thinks she is telling the truth because nobody has ever explained this to her.  

I don't get her mom and dad's parenting of her.  Honestly, I just don't.  It makes no sense to me what so ever.  They allow her to watch adult shows, get on the internet unsupervised, and then don't explain things to her.  

Whatever.  Their kid, their problem.  

My concern is my child's cooperation with his medical team to keep him safe and healthy!

Quoting newstepmom61811:

To add, the bigger issue you make it for DS the bigger issue he will make it...you as his mother carry more weight than ANYONE trust wise in his life...don't make big drama about her lies, he won't make it about her lying and trying to scare him, that's what he'll take from it...you get her out of the room and then tell him no holds barred "she's trying to scare you and I don't know why but people go to hospitals all the time for all sorts of reasons, sometimes they are sick and need to get better, sometimes when they're healthy and just need their regular check-up, hospitals really are not a big deal." And then kiss him on the forehead and go on. If you diffuse it and dial down the drama so will he. He will take his cues from you mamma




momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 1, 2013 at 12:26 AM
I would treat it just like I would if this were a kid in school that is giving misinformation. And guess what? That happens ALL the time. Know how many know it alls are currently attending the same junior high my daughter attends? A LOT!!

I talk to my daughter and correct the misinformation and get her all straight. Depending on the topic, I might shoot an email to the teacher at the school to work on this other kid. So in your case, you talk to your husband and have him discuss her wrong info with her. But you straighten your own kid out and get him set with all the info he needs. Your child will face this same situation with other children that he comes in contact with. They will tell him all kinds of wrong things and he will likely hear it wrong and have to be corrected any way.

I think it is great that you are having your husband step up and do more for his daughter to alleviate the stress you were under. And I'm glad to hear that for the most part, it's been positive.
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happymommy1105
by Member on Sep. 1, 2013 at 12:50 AM

When I say that he knows the truth- he has been to the hospital before.  We have stayed in the hospital for several days before so he knows that the hospital does mean you are going to die. 

He maybe understands death.  His great grandmother died about 3 years ago, he did not go to the funeral.  But I told him that she died and we were very sad.  That has been his only experience with death.  So, I'm not sure that he understands that death means gone forever.  But I did explain to him that when great grandma died, it made mommy very sad and granddaddy but we were still here for him.  That people we love die to go to heaven and it's sad but it's okay.  And that it doesn't mean everybody who loves them is going to die too. 

I am explaining all that well enough for you to understand what I am saying about him knowing the truth? 

Mom just uses SD as a pawn.  Anytime there is any kind of anything that Mom doesn't like the first thing she says is "well, I will take you back to court and take her away from you."  So, Dad is scared to rock the boat.  I don't know why though because his dad is lawyer and he knows that she can't just take his child away from him.  But whatever.

I completely agree with you that they need to sit down and tell her the truth about things and have an open relationship with her.  But they don't.  Mom is very hands off and Dad has a case of "DisneyLand dad" going on.  

The whole dymanic is just weird.

I dunno- with my 7 year old's birth father I am just quick to quote the custody agreement and remind him that if he doesn't like what he agreed to then he is more than welcome to contact my lawyer and take me back to court.   

Quoting newstepmom61811:

Well, that paints a VERY different picture...if your DS has enough knowledge to know the truth and is effectively being dramatic for your response...that's on you...if you truly question what SD has been taught...that is an issue to discuss with DH...if there is animosity between him and BM and he may not want to correct the child for drama that will come back on him well, shame on him for what I personally think is failing his child...he is the parent and owes her honesty and not fear...I would start getting him to see someone who specializes in blended families to learn to better parent by this child...and more effectively navigate your home.


Quoting happymommy1105:

I will admit that sometimes I do need to just tell him to knock it off he knows the truth and move on and I feed it instead.  I do need to be better about that.  

The lying issue though- I'm not completely sure she thinks she is lying.  I'm not sure she has ever had death explained to her in any sort of way.  Nobody in her family that she is close to has ever passed away, she has never been to a funeral.  I honestly think she thinks she is telling the truth because nobody has ever explained this to her.  

I don't get her mom and dad's parenting of her.  Honestly, I just don't.  It makes no sense to me what so ever.  They allow her to watch adult shows, get on the internet unsupervised, and then don't explain things to her.  

Whatever.  Their kid, their problem.  

My concern is my child's cooperation with his medical team to keep him safe and healthy!

Quoting newstepmom61811:

To add, the bigger issue you make it for DS the bigger issue he will make it...you as his mother carry more weight than ANYONE trust wise in his life...don't make big drama about her lies, he won't make it about her lying and trying to scare him, that's what he'll take from it...you get her out of the room and then tell him no holds barred "she's trying to scare you and I don't know why but people go to hospitals all the time for all sorts of reasons, sometimes they are sick and need to get better, sometimes when they're healthy and just need their regular check-up, hospitals really are not a big deal." And then kiss him on the forehead and go on. If you diffuse it and dial down the drama so will he. He will take his cues from you mamma





happymommy1105
by Member on Sep. 1, 2013 at 12:53 AM

He is homeschooled.  So his contact with other kids is limited.  More so in an effort to keep him healthy.  That's not to say he doesn't have any friends or that he doesn't see other kids.  He does go to karate class 2x per week and he will be playing a sport (he hasn't decided if he wants to play indoor soccer or basketball yet) this year so that will add another social activity and we go to church 2x per week.  

I will admit though that he is my one that I tend to be a bit overly cautious with due to everything I have been through with him!  Maybe that's part of my problem too!

Quoting momof2ex1:

I would treat it just like I would if this were a kid in school that is giving misinformation. And guess what? That happens ALL the time. Know how many know it alls are currently attending the same junior high my daughter attends? A LOT!!

I talk to my daughter and correct the misinformation and get her all straight. Depending on the topic, I might shoot an email to the teacher at the school to work on this other kid. So in your case, you talk to your husband and have him discuss her wrong info with her. But you straighten your own kid out and get him set with all the info he needs. Your child will face this same situation with other children that he comes in contact with. They will tell him all kinds of wrong things and he will likely hear it wrong and have to be corrected any way.

I think it is great that you are having your husband step up and do more for his daughter to alleviate the stress you were under. And I'm glad to hear that for the most part, it's been positive.


momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 1, 2013 at 2:34 AM
That's ok. I'm over protective too and I have no real reason lol he will though at some point in his life have some body tell him something that is not true and/or scary and our jobs as parents is to teach them the truth and to understand the truth. He will at some point have to learn that people for whatever reason don't know everything. You have the most influence on him in life simply because you are mama. He trusts you and looks to you. You'll find the right way to deal with this. You've gotten some good advice here.


Quoting happymommy1105:

He is homeschooled.  So his contact with other kids is limited.  More so in an effort to keep him healthy.  That's not to say he doesn't have any friends or that he doesn't see other kids.  He does go to karate class 2x per week and he will be playing a sport (he hasn't decided if he wants to play indoor soccer or basketball yet) this year so that will add another social activity and we go to church 2x per week.  

I will admit though that he is my one that I tend to be a bit overly cautious with due to everything I have been through with him!  Maybe that's part of my problem too!

Quoting momof2ex1:

I would treat it just like I would if this were a kid in school that is giving misinformation. And guess what? That happens ALL the time. Know how many know it alls are currently attending the same junior high my daughter attends? A LOT!!



I talk to my daughter and correct the misinformation and get her all straight. Depending on the topic, I might shoot an email to the teacher at the school to work on this other kid. So in your case, you talk to your husband and have him discuss her wrong info with her. But you straighten your own kid out and get him set with all the info he needs. Your child will face this same situation with other children that he comes in contact with. They will tell him all kinds of wrong things and he will likely hear it wrong and have to be corrected any way.



I think it is great that you are having your husband step up and do more for his daughter to alleviate the stress you were under. And I'm glad to hear that for the most part, it's been positive.



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