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My vent being a new step mom and about my SD and the BM (long, sorry)

Posted by on Sep. 1, 2013 at 10:00 PM
  • 269 Replies

Hey Ladies! I'm new to the group. Hoping it's a nice place to vent a little since I know NO one else who struggles with being a SM and the joys of a hateful BM...

So I married my husband in June. His daughter is 5, mine are 4 and 6. I married him even though I know my SD is a little difficult and his ex is a hateful woman.

I'm used to my girls being pretty quiet, laid back, good in public, not hyperactive, etc. My SD is just about the opposite. She has tons of energy, loud, hyper and most times hard to control in public meaning she likes to run up and down isles, touches everything, asks to have everything etc. She likes to tattle tell, she will occasionally hit, has scratched my oldest and made her bleed, she screams at my kids when she doesn't like something and even at adults. I can tell she doesn't have much discipline at her mother's. Her mother lives with her parents who, it's obvious, spoil her and let her run around like a wild animal. When I wasn't with my husband, my SD was alone here and he let her do whatever, too, because he felt bad that she was probably lonely and bored since he has no other kids in the house. So part of the blame is on him as well. He knows he should have been more structured but his loneliness and depression made it difficult to even keep his house clean.

Now that I'm around, I like rules, obediance, routine, structure,chores and so forth (I'm not a perfectionist, Nazi cleaning type or anything though). SD is not used to this. I get attitude and excuses on why she can't clean her room or help clean up the mess they all made. She is used to throwing a fit and getting her way at her mother's...here she gets disciplined. I have personally witnessed my SD's little brother (BM's and her husband's son) who is around 2 throw a fit and they just gave into him. Her manners I am working on as well. Instead of "May/can I have this, please?" It's "I want this or that" and expects it to get it...so when she doesn't she will argue with me.

I know her mother isn't making things easier either. Telling her she doesn't have to listen to me, saying things (right in front of my face) that "She's not your mom, I'M your MOM!" Manipulates her and teaches her to lie (that's from my husbands mouth because he can see the changes in his daughter). This woman hates me and doesn't even know me. First time I met her I was dropping SD off for the weekly exchange because my DH had to work...the woman would not even look at me for me to introduce myself. Another time I came to get my SD, my SD complained that she would have to share her drink and wanted her mom to keep it (Not true, she was just being dramatic) and her mom says right in front of me "Well, if you can't have your own drink over there then I'll just hold on to it."  I was about to speak up but instead I nicely talked to my SD when we got in the car that she doesn't have to do that and she would have been able to finish her drink. After that was the she's not your mom, I'm your mom, incident. So now I just avoid pick up and drop offs. This woman never communicates with my DH about anything. If something doesn't benefit her, she won't compromise and it seems with her it's all competition. I feel bad for my SD that her mother is doing this to her instead of being a parent with her father...she is just making it one of those sad situations where the daughter is in the middle using her as a pawn.

It's been tough being pregnant and dealing with her spoiled-ness. I have almost gotten to the point of telling my Dh he can deal with her chores and make her do these things because many times she does not listen to me, but he works 10 hours a day and gone for 12 because of the commute. Luckily, school is in now and she is in kindergarten most of the day.

I have told my DH I don't care if my SD doesn't like me because I actually have her clean and get her in trouble for yelling, hitting, and acting out. That I treat her like she is 5 and capable of wiping her butt, picking up after herself and respecting adults rather than a little child who needs everything done for her like at her mothers. I just hope one day she will appreciate that I care about her and am to raising her to be a responsible, respectable and self suffecient person.


Ok, I think I feel a little better letting that out. Sorry it's so long! So, there is my story for now...and I'm sure I'll have more to share later.

by on Sep. 1, 2013 at 10:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
minimoo
by Gold Member on Sep. 1, 2013 at 11:07 PM
3 moms liked this
Welcome! Congrats on the marriage and pregnancy.

How does your dh feel about the change in the household? Does he want her to have more responsibility and chores? Or is that coming just from you? You will have to remember that her world has been turned around. She has been "princess" in both houses all of her life, and now has to adjust to not only a sm and two stepsiblings (and one on the way) instead of just daddy, but now complete structure and being forced to use manners. Not saying structure and manners are bad lol. She needs patience and time. After bf and I split, dd and I moved back in w my parents so I could get on my feet. Bf abandoned dd, so I was the only parent involved. She was my parent's first (and at that point, only) grandkid, and they spoiled her rotten. While I still taught manners and had structure, she was used to knowing grandma and grandpa always say yes. When dh and I got married, it was an adjustment for everyone.

As far as mom, disengage. She is not your problem. Don't worry about what she may or may not think about you or say. Let dh deal w her. You will find much more peace. Sm in my life says horrible things about me- I've learned to just not care- she is not someone who I respect their opinion, so why get myself worked up over something I know isn't true. I am kind of confused about the "she's not your mom- I am your mom" thing....have you been telling her you are her mom or having her call you mom? I guess I'm confused why you are upset about that bc it is true.

Again...welcome! I hope you find the support you are looking for. :-)
packermomof2
by on Sep. 1, 2013 at 11:21 PM
1 mom liked this

So you came in and changed everything and expected the kid and her mom to be groovy with what you think needed to be changed?  

You moved in and believe you are raising her?  Is dad not doing it or is he just not doing it to your standards?

spicy0425
by Silver Member on Sep. 1, 2013 at 11:25 PM
12 moms liked this

Welcome to the group. Congrats on your marriage and your pregnancy.

I don't have anything to share yet. Just one caution you to ignore the snarky comments of some posters who have nothing better to do to make themselves feel good about their pathetic life but picking your situation apart, or telling you that you are doing it all wrong, that you have no right nor authority even in your own home.

2manydiapers
by on Sep. 1, 2013 at 11:26 PM
8 moms liked this
Oh sweetie... wrong group, stepmoms are babysitters meant to be seen, not heard or spoken too lol

Good luck
Momma_1985
by on Sep. 1, 2013 at 11:35 PM
5 moms liked this

First of all I am pretty sure she understands it will be difficult with SD to change from doing whatever she wants to having structure, as for BM it doesnt sound like it's something to do with discipline and rules in the home, BM just doesnt want anything to do with SM which is what usually happens. Now if she has rules and such at home, it is expected that everyone in the household follow them.

I am pretty sure she didnt come in thinking oh let me raise this kid since her parents arent! I didnt get that at all from her Vent. She has rules and she expects every child in the household follow them. as far as dad not doing it, she stated that he understood he should have been more strict with her and not let her do everything she wanted and I am pretty sure he is ok with the rules, she did state she isnt Nazi when cleaning and rules.

Unless I am wrong and not everyone has rules at home, but in my house my Skids have the same rules as my kids and get disciplined equally, now if DH isnt home I do discipline my skids, and my hubby is ok with it, I do let him know as soon as he gets home of the situation.


Quoting packermomof2:

So you came in and changed everything and expected the kid and her mom to be groovy with what you think needed to be changed?  

You moved in and believe you are raising her?  Is dad not doing it or is he just not doing it to your standards?


 

andie646c
by Silver Member on Sep. 1, 2013 at 11:37 PM
1 mom liked this

I am curious about the answers to Packers questions as well.

The child is 5 and, like Packer said, her world has been turned upside down. Did you really expect it to go smoothly? Children might be versatile and they can adapt to just about anything, but it's not instant. They aren't the wallpaper on your phone.

Oh, and welcome to the group.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Sep. 1, 2013 at 11:38 PM
1 mom liked this

I just want you to know, that it's not an OBVIOUS parenting issue when a child behaves like that. We have 4 children total (SD, DS, and MDD, and YDD) and 3 of the 4 children are VERY well behaved children. MDD is much like you described your SD to be. It's not a parenting issue, we don't parent her any differently than we do the other 3.


As for all the changes you've demanded in your home in regards to your husband and his child, you can't expect to walk in, change this kid's ENTIRE world and expect that the child, and especially her mom, are going to be OK with it.

Your SD's BM is right, you aren't her mom. I'm not sure how that implies that she tells the child she doesn't have to listen to you. As for the drink issue, if I thought my child was going to share their drink with their step-siblings, friends, cousins, etc I'd want to keep it too. That doesn't mean that BM has done something bad... 

Momma_1985
by on Sep. 1, 2013 at 11:39 PM

My DH has custody so trust me I know the feeling of the stepkids not having rules at BM as such, With us they have rules and get disciplined equally, I do let DH know what happened and such if he isnt around, if he is around I let him do the discipling, Now I will tell you it took a very long time for him to get out of the guilty phase where he didnt discipline the kids as they should because he felt guilty that the kids werent with their mom(she gave up custody so it wasnt his fault anyway) but It has gotten better so hang in there. It is diffcult for all kids when they have to be in between families.

Now as far as BM, you cant control what she does, so just take it from who it's coming from and move on, took me a very long time to let her stop bothering me, now I just let everything she says and does just slide right off.

Rocker.Mom.07
by The Savior on Sep. 1, 2013 at 11:44 PM
1 mom liked this

Thanks!

He is fine with the changes and is happy that someone in his life is willing to help him raise his child. He knows he has slacked on things with getting her to be more responsible and respectful. I must have sounded like I was a drill sergent lol I'm not. I am patient with her of course. Week by week we have her I have slowly introduced how things are changing. It wasn't right off the bat she had to do this and that and do it now! It was a process. And still is an ongoing process. I am nice about her using manners and I talk to her about why things are done this way.

Yeah, I am avoiding the mother by all means. He has Fridays off (exchange days) now so he is able to do the drop off and pick ups, thank goodness.

The 'She's not your mom, I'm your mom!' thing is this...I just feel that she is demeaning my parental authority (can't think of a better word) when things like that are said...in front of me knowing I can hear her. I told my DH about it and he said that she shouldn't be saying things like that to SD because she could view it like, Oh, yeah, she's not my mom, I don't have to listen to her. Something like, "You are with me now, so I'm allowing you to have this." I have a feeling my SD told her she couldn't have anything sweet/a treat because they were in trouble before I had to drop her off (I told my girls they couldn't so I assume she thought she couldn't). I do not make her call me mom or even tell her view me as her "mother".  I just feel like it's a way of saying, You don't have to listen to her, which she has told her before.

Quoting minimoo:

Welcome! Congrats on the marriage and pregnancy.

How does your dh feel about the change in the household? Does he want her to have more responsibility and chores? Or is that coming just from you? You will have to remember that her world has been turned around. She has been "princess" in both houses all of her life, and now has to adjust to not only a sm and two stepsiblings (and one on the way) instead of just daddy, but now complete structure and being forced to use manners. Not saying structure and manners are bad lol. She needs patience and time. After bf and I split, dd and I moved back in w my parents so I could get on my feet. Bf abandoned dd, so I was the only parent involved. She was my parent's first (and at that point, only) grandkid, and they spoiled her rotten. While I still taught manners and had structure, she was used to knowing grandma and grandpa always say yes. When dh and I got married, it was an adjustment for everyone.

As far as mom, disengage. She is not your problem. Don't worry about what she may or may not think about you or say. Let dh deal w her. You will find much more peace. Sm in my life says horrible things about me- I've learned to just not care- she is not someone who I respect their opinion, so why get myself worked up over something I know isn't true. I am kind of confused about the "she's not your mom- I am your mom" thing....have you been telling her you are her mom or having her call you mom? I guess I'm confused why you are upset about that bc it is true.

Again...welcome! I hope you find the support you are looking for. :-)


sheramom4
by Bronze Member on Sep. 1, 2013 at 11:44 PM



Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I just want you to know, that it's not an OBVIOUS parenting issue when a child behaves like that. We have 4 children total (SD, DS, and MDD, and YDD) and 3 of the 4 children are VERY well behaved children. MDD is much like you described your SD to be. It's not a parenting issue, we don't parent her any differently than we do the other 3.


As for all the changes you've demanded in your home in regards to your husband and his child, you can't expect to walk in, change this kid's ENTIRE world and expect that the child, and especially her mom, are going to be OK with it.

Your SD's BM is right, you aren't her mom. I'm not sure how that implies that she tells the child she doesn't have to listen to you. As for the drink issue, if I thought my child was going to share their drink with their step-siblings, friends, cousins, etc I'd want to keep it too. That doesn't mean that BM has done something bad... 

My middle DD has been hell on wheels since birth. She is going to be 12 and has finally calmed down to the point that I don't feel like her name is " stop doing that." Lol. I joke that had she been my first born she would be an only child. We parent the same for all four children. We have rules and expectations. She is just louder,, more emotional, and a more difficult than the other three. 


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