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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

have had it, ready to leave!

Posted by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 1:32 AM
  • 27 Replies

I have been a stepmom for 7 years, I have a sd, 18 and 19 and a ds 16 (not husbands son).  Anyway,, things have just been horrilbe between my son and husband.  Notice I cannot even say dh, just h.  Not just to my son, but also to me.  

He blames us for all his money problems and blames me for his kids not coming around for the past year.  Mind you he has a HUGE anger issue:  banging walls, hitting furniture, breaking things, threatening to commit suicide, but you know, is all my fault they are not around, according to him.  He is suppose to have 50/50.  

Anyway, he was away for 2 months in another state visiting his stepdad who had bypass surgery so he extended his trip to take care of him.  He came home the other day, and we hardly spoke to one another.  He has made no effort to talk to me, just stays in our room, watching tv, eating in there, only came out when his kids stopped by to watch a movie becuase he asked them to come since he hasn't seen them.  

The 19 yr old has text me saying that she misses us doing things but she's confused on things because of things her father is saying about me.  So apparently for the past few months he has been seeing his kids, just to talk and complain about me.  

Today I told him, "If you think I haven't noticed how you just stay in the room instead of being with me or talking to me, believe me I have noticed".  Then he goes into blaming me for everything wrong in his life!  He says he lost a lake house that his bio dad sold because I lost my job and is in school finishing my degree.  Whenever I asked him anyting about the this lake house he wanted to retire to he would always tell me, "I don't want to talk about it, I'm to depressed" but he blew up on our anniversary blaming me that he lost it and his bio dad sold it.  

All he ever complains about is money money money.  He didn't pay for my schooling, I did with money I made by babysitting my nephews.  If I didn't do that, I wouldn't have been able to finish my BA.  He did not pay for my tuition, I did.  He told me I better find a way to pay cause he didn't have it and I did find a way, and then blames me!  

My son can't stand his stepdad due to how he acts to him, either yelling at him or ignoring him that he stays at my parents home, for almost a year now, and then blames my son for bills?  And that I don't give him my childsupport???  He won't even speak to my son, spend time with him, and practically won't have him here at the house and expects his child support??

What should I do?

by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 1:32 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 1:40 AM
2 moms liked this

Leave.

spicy0425
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 1:42 AM
1 mom liked this

Time to pack up.

VictorySmom
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 1:52 AM
1 mom liked this

Honey I am so sorry to hear this. Please do not give up. It sounds like neither of you are getting any emotional support from one another. Or respect. Start by finding one thing you respect about him, I know its hard. But then tell him. And sometimes we have to drop our own selfish needs and focus on theirs for one moment. Even when we feel they do NOT deserve it. Trust me I know you probably feel he does not. Write a list of what you like about him. Or maybe what you used to like about him. Push thru and think of the positive. It is hard to admit when we are wrong and apologize, but it would really help. You can only focus on changing yourself. But eventually he should see a difference in you and your positive words can come to life. I would try and save your marriage before you throw in the towel. Read marriage books, tell him you want to make it work and try daily. If he is depresesd maybe he can get help from a dr or counseling. He probably just doesnt feel confident in who he has become as a man in life. You are his partner and team member. build him up. IDK. I am sorry for going on probably the last things you wanted to hear, but I hope you see the light and hope in humbling yourself and trying new approaches to love him and love you guys as a couple. Then maybe the kids can see and they wont feel the tension or sadness or confusion. Good luck sweety!

Melina74
by Melina on Sep. 2, 2013 at 2:27 AM

Time to go.

Talis
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 3:08 AM

He does not want you there. Leave. If you still want to cultivate a relationship with your step kids that will be up to them.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 9:15 AM
2 moms liked this

leave him.

ETA: ok wait. I originally said leave him, but - have you tried marriage counseling? You were in love with each other at one time. Can  you get back there again? I would try marriage counseling first. I think the issues lie with him and possible clinical depression. Maybe this marriage can be saved, maybe not. But I would start by at least trying to get things back to how they once were.

SMInProgress
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 10:22 AM
1 mom liked this

Therapy for both of you separately first to find out what you resent about each other. Sounds like he either resents the hell out of you & that's not fair to you. OR he's afraid now that you have the degree & will leave him (without the lake house, he may be thinking not fair to him lol). 

Then after, you both get counseling. Either that or you leave. But I have a feeling you may feel guilty if you leave now with your degree & he might just make you feel guilty so rather than support you, he's punishing you or chasing you away.  Maybe he has misdirected anger or just insecurity or a combination that also includes his kids rejecting his current persona.

LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Sep. 2, 2013 at 10:45 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting whatIknownow:

leave him.

ETA: ok wait. I originally said leave him, but - have you tried marriage counseling? You were in love with each other at one time. Can  you get back there again? I would try marriage counseling first. I think the issues lie with him and possible clinical depression. Maybe this marriage can be saved, maybe not. But I would start by at least trying to get things back to how they once were.

I agree with this.  If he is unwilling to participate in the therapeutic process, I think you should seek therapy for yourself and your son.  Your child is bound to have some anger and hurt at being treated so poorly by your husband.  That will require therapy to remedy.  Good luck, and know that you alone cannot save your marriage, it must be a joint effort.

Leigh84
by Gold Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 11:05 AM
This


Quoting spicy0425:

Time to pack up.


iSMILEheCRIES
by Bronze Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 1:51 PM
My first response would be LEAVE. But truthfully, some counseling would go along way. It really sounds like he is depressed and sadly is blaming you- the problem I see is if you aren't there then the blame will be passed on to someone else, like his kids. Try some marriage counseling, and maybe individual therapy too. GL, if it can't be fixed atleast you will know you did all you can.
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