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step daughter/mom problems

Posted by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 4:04 PM
  • 2 Replies

Help!  I have so much anger I don't know if I can resolve this. 

My husband's daughter came to live with us from S. Korea about 6 years ago when she was nine.  From the beginning, her mom has hated me, and has been very hateful towards her dad.  while she was here, there was constant interference from mom.  We let her visit her mom for the summer and at the last minute mom decided to keep her.  She cut off communication from us.  Once in a while she would let sd call to ask for something.

Recently, sd came back to live with us.  She is now 16.  Our life has been miserable.  sd talks to mom twice a day, and it is a constant problem.  sd has admitted that she only wants to be here for her education.  She does not consider us her family. 

But here is the worse part. Everything, I mean everything that we do here gets back to her mom.  Mom critisises everything we do.  Sd even hand washes her clothes because she thinks my washer will wreck her clothes.  She won't wear american clothes.  Wants me to cook Korean, etc.  She even wants to tell mom what I pay for things here.  I work full time and have a housecleaner come twice a month.  Mom told sd that I should not waste my money on that and do it myself.  My husband and I can't even talk without sd telling her mom everything.  The other night we went out to dinner and a concert to try to bond.  However, my husband and i didn't hardly talk because of this.

Sd is disrespectful and has become physically abusive.  We are going to counseling next week.

I want to have a relationship with her but I am so resentful and angry at her and mom that I can't seem to  soften my heart.  It is so difficult for me right now.  How do I get through this? How do I get past this anger? I know I have to, but it is so hard!

My husband does back me as much as he can and knows what is going on.

 

 

by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 4:04 PM
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newstepmom61811
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 4:30 PM

You don't have a SD or BM problem. You have a DH problem...these things are happening in your home because he has allowed that to happen...he has allowed the SD to criticize, he has allowed the input, he has not set expectations of behavior or what her place will be...and that is on him. BM I'm guessing is in S. Korea? Her access is actually very limited. This child is likely also struggling with a great deal of unfamiliarity...she is in a different country...the food, culture, clothes...EVERYTHING is different. I would have some compassion for that. And then to have mom squeaking in her ear...I would have a mix of compassion and boundaries...

I am a child of immigrants, despite being raised here, in my home was a great deal of influence of my parents culture, which is extremely private, quiet, and icludes a great amount of personal space...I struggle a great deal in my step life as my SKs family of origin is very different. They a quite intrusive, meddling, and have nearly no personal space. They will literally get right in your face...it has been a struggle...years in now I FIRMLY refuse to bend on my personal space, it is too uncomfortable for me...it has been my norm for near 40 years now...my diet differs from my DH and SKs...so sometimes I fix a meal for them and a plate of something different and more culturally comfortable for me...I just have to do it...I can only assimilate so far...

you likely will have to give her room on some of the cultural issues...there is comfort in the norms be it behaviors, personal care, diet...they run deep. Buti think your DH can teach her to also give you guys space to be who you are too...MUTUAL respect can be found...her criticizing what your money is spent on, how your home gets cleaned...I agree, that sort of garbage needs to stop, that not her place...your income equals your right to spend it how you see fit...as for cultural personal preferences...I think you can find more middle ground there...

whatIknownow
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 4:34 PM

I think I would just consider her to be your roommate. The relationship between Dad and daughter seems to be breaking down, but only he can fix that. You personally don't need to have any relationship with her other than to be polite and respectful of each other in the roommate sense.

I wouldn't worry about what she tells her mother, it's really not your concern.


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