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keeping calm

Posted by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 9:08 PM
  • 26 Replies
Last week BM told DH she was going to take him back to court. So far, nothing new has happened. BM could be bluffing, but just in case DH and I have started talking about how we should proceed.

It has become very clear that DH is not going to handle this well. As soon as the topic comes up, he becomes very aggressive and angry. He starts thinking about all the times BM has screwed him over, and how it always comes down to him offering a compromise at his expense. He's tired of bending.

The problem is, DH starts getting mad and starts shooting down logical solutions and reasoning. He says he's tired of being the flexible one and he shouldn't have to change everything around to please BM. He doesn't seem to realize that court is the last place he wants to become Mr. Inflexible Hardass.

I realize that we're not close to going to court; for all we know, BM is just trying to rattle DH. I'm just anxious that if we do go to court, DH's attitude will be his downfall. He's already said he won't be able to handle facing BM, and I know that BM knows how to push his buttons.

My question to you - How did you handle facing your ex in court? Did you go to therapy? How did you learn to channel, or divert, your anger?

side note - We are not letting this consume us. We are trying to think ahead, but this is not a 24/7 conversation. I'm staying positive and supportive, but also logical about the whole scenario. I'm aware that BM has some issues that will work in her favor (she gets no weekends with SS), and I keep those in mind. As soon as DH starts to become aggressive or stubborn, we end the conversation.
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 9:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 9:14 PM
2 moms liked this

I handled my ex in court by keeping my mouth shut and speaking through my attorney. That's what I was paying him for.... He needs to try to calm down and think it through if he can. That's the best thing he can do is stay calm.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 9:16 PM

Have you guys consulted with an attorney?

progressandjoy
by Gold Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 9:21 PM
Not yet. DH is on mandatory overtime (50+ hours) and had to take off for a doctor's appointment. The only day he was able to go was Friday, but because of the long weekend the law offices were closed.

DH has gotten a few recommendations, so we are going to try to set up some consultations after my OB appointment on Friday.


Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Have you guys consulted with an attorney?

LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Sep. 2, 2013 at 9:35 PM

I consult my attorney and allow her to speak for me, which is why she gets paid as handdsomely as she does - because she does a fantastic job.  I have also come to a place where I no longer emotionally react to the things my ex submits to the court.  I rationally consider the source and move on.  This is not to say that court is not a stressful thing for me.  It provokes quite a bit of anxiety.  I channel that nervous energy into cleaning, cooking, baking, working out - positive productive things that I can do and I can control.  I cannot control my ex, I cannot control ultimately what the judge orders; I can control how I choose to react.  It took 12 court visits in 4 years with an extremely high conflict personality to get me here.  Best wishes to you and your DH.

Talis
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 9:38 PM

Hes going to have to keep his mouth shut and stay calm or he is going to end up being the flexible one against his will. As far as the weekends are concerned, why doesnt she get weekends? Has she turned them down or been too busy to come get her child? If this is the case or something like it all you have to do is document when and why she missed out on those times. But he definitely needs to stop letting her get the best of him. DH struggled with this for a while, not really getting super fired up, but he would rush to a decision and in turn she had already pulled the wool over his eyes about the situation by not sharing all the facts. Best of luck to you.

SMInProgress
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 9:45 PM

A good therapist & an even better lawyer. Let DH vent I mean that because I'm sure he's had it & needs to vent & also because my DH is very vocal & he was sick of her too. But once he got into court, he was calm. But then again, we have a damn good lawyer so best to turn it over to the pros--I always recommend that because it helps alleviate the household stress as well as individual stress & the outcome is much better than going in alone & naked.

progressandjoy
by Gold Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 9:46 PM
The CO was based off BM's old work schedule. She gets SS from 7pm Sunday - 7pm Wednesday/Thursday (it's a 50%, 3 - 4 - 4 -3 schedule). It was exactly what BM wanted, but less than a year later SS started school and she found a '9-5' job.

Now that SS is going to school on her time, she wants a change. I do think it is reasonable that BM is asking for weekend time (although I don't think her overall request for full custody is reasonable), but DH sees it as - 'You got exactly what you wanted, but because you didn't think ahead you're now expecting us to completely rearrange our schedules'.


Quoting Talis:

Hes going to have to keep his mouth shut and stay calm or he is going to end up being the flexible one against his will. As far as the weekends are concerned, why doesnt she get weekends? Has she turned them down or been too busy to come get her child? If this is the case or something like it all you have to do is document when and why she missed out on those times. But he definitely needs to stop letting her get the best of him. DH struggled with this for a while, not really getting super fired up, but he would rush to a decision and in turn she had already pulled the wool over his eyes about the situation by not sharing all the facts. Best of luck to you.

Talis
by on Sep. 2, 2013 at 9:53 PM

They may or may not work with her as far as wanting more time with the child, but definitely let me know how this plays out. DH and I will be attempting to get more time with SD in the future as well. But this, with child support tied in they arent going to take her seriously because child support can only be adjusted after a year. As far as sole custody, thats just a joke. She couldnt make it work in the past, the child has been happy in the current location, and no problems have arrived so i dont think the judge will be willing to change the childs home.

amyjo76
by Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 10:11 PM

In my situation, my ex and I started out with 50/50, Friday to Friday. When he stopped exercising that visitation, I waited 3 years to try to change it to EOW. The judge said no and had to try to maintain as close to 50/50 as possible. Seeing as it's been 50/50 for the last year for you, the judge will likely switch to just a different schedule of dates but maintain the 50/50. So your husband shouldn't stress too much but I know that's easier said than done :)

As far as keeping calm, I would stay with my attorney at all times during court. If he was in the courtroom and I couldn't be there, I always brought my DH or another grounded person in my life as a back up to help me remain calm. I have learned over the past 10 years that I shouldn't worry too much until there's something to worry about. If I started thinking of all the "what if's" I drove myself crazy so I just worked on how I needed to handle the current sitauation to get to the most positive result. Your DH's ex can say and do whatever she wants but ultimately it's up to the judge to make any changes. Tell him to focus on what the positive is, remain hopeful that all will turn out as it should and not focus any of his energy on his ex. Counseling may be a help to him.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Sep. 2, 2013 at 10:20 PM

Good. I wouldn't worry or stress until after you talk with an attorney. I don't think BM has a very good case.

She basically has to prove that 1. there's a significant change in circumstance (she can't just DECIDE all of a sudden she doesn't like the current CO). There's a time frame for when DH's court order is supposed to be amended CO. When DH spoke to an attorney about it he said that the time frame means nothing. That one parent would have to file and still have the burdon of proof that there's been a significant change in cirumstances. And 2. That the changes are in the best interest of the child.

I know you're in a different state though, so it may be different. But, I know that she still has to prove a significant change in circumstances and that the changes are in the best interest of the child. 


Quoting progressandjoy:

Not yet. DH is on mandatory overtime (50+ hours) and had to take off for a doctor's appointment. The only day he was able to go was Friday, but because of the long weekend the law offices were closed.

DH has gotten a few recommendations, so we are going to try to set up some consultations after my OB appointment on Friday.


Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Have you guys consulted with an attorney?



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