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Both widows, have daughters, bfs daughter is spousified. Help!

Posted by on Sep. 5, 2013 at 10:13 AM
  • 59 Replies
My bf has been widowed for over three years. He has been the main caregiver tho for five years. His daughter is now 14 and a half. They are buddies, and confidants. Daughter has no responsibilities, except to do homework, maintain good grades, does her own laundry. Bf does all household chores. Daughter has been given things to do, but if not done, bf does them without consequence to daughter. On numerous occasions, while my daughter, bf and I have done household duties, his daughter did nothing but play on ipad. We tried living together, but the differences with the way we raised the daughters caused major stress. We broke up and I moved out.
His D is a talented, sweet girl, that has her father wrapped around her finger. She still holds hands with her father, and would rather be with him, then the two friends she does have. Their relationship is very intimate, at least to me.
We have started dating again. I know we truly love each other. Slowly we are working on the problems we faced. I believe in chores, responsibility and consequences. Bf is having a hard time seeing that his daughter needs consequences. She's respectful, does well in school, and makes him supper every night, why should he impose things on her when she's so perfect? He is having a hard time seeing that he spousified his daughter, even tho many people have shared with him their concerns with their relationship.
I need for my bf to see this post and your comments for him to understand. We have tried counseling, but at the moment it's too expensive. His eyes are open, but his attachment to his daughter, and the hurt she might feel, is still getting in the way for him to understand that he needs to let his daughter go a little bit.
I would appreciate any help or comments you can add. Thank you!!!
by on Sep. 5, 2013 at 10:13 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by Platinum Member on Sep. 5, 2013 at 10:19 AM
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Do not go into that relationship tryng to be Mom and forcing him to change his parenting.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work.  

by Platinum Member on Sep. 5, 2013 at 10:24 AM
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This is the way this man wants to raise his daughter. Who in the hell are you to come in and try to change that? You do you and let him do him. When a spouse, especially a mom dies, it does change the dynamic drastically. This is not up for you to change or debate with him. It will only drive him away from you and the daughter will resent the ever loving hell out of you. You need some lessons on acceptance of others. Because the girl sounds fine to me. I dont make my child do chores either. Her chore is to get good grades, be a good kid, and pick up basically after yourself. I would be pissed if someone tried to come in and change what they thought I was doing wrong with my own child.

by Platinum Member on Sep. 5, 2013 at 10:25 AM
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She makes supper every day, does good in school and sweet talented girl?
Sounds to me, as perfect little angel. I don't see anything wrong with her either.
Leave them alone.
Join "parents with teens" group, it will open your eyes to what kind of crap some kids put their parents through.
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by Silver Member on Sep. 5, 2013 at 10:26 AM
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Dh and I went through similar struggles recently. Ss was lazy, didnt have respect for things, and was basically allowed to run the household. Over this last month we decided to implement chores and responsibilities, it took about 2-3 weeks for ss to care and take pride in what he was contributing to the home. I have to say, he has turned into a respectful boy within a matter of a month due to giving responsibilities. Responsibilities seem to give children confidence, self-esteem and pride. Children see how much one does around the home and they respect you a lot more for all you do when they're helping. I think you've got the right idea with trying to implement things with his daughter, but try not to over step the boundary of mom. Mom may be gone, but she won't ever be forgotten, so you need to remember although mom isn't around she's still a big part of bf's d's life and you have to act as though mom is still around. If you come in and try to change things it will only cause resentment from all parties. Best of luck!
by Platinum Member on Sep. 5, 2013 at 10:26 AM
1 mom liked this

Quoting annabl1970:
Join "parents with teens" group, it will open your eyes to what kind of crap some kids put their parents through.

Ok, now I'm interested!

by Le Bonjour Chat on Sep. 5, 2013 at 10:26 AM

If you don't like the way he parents, and he sees nothing wrong with the affection he lavishes on his daughter, then this is not for you.

Trying to change something that works for them is only going to make you look like a shrew and you will be the bad guy.

I don't see anything wrong in what he's doing.  I really didn't do very many household chores as a kid either.  My parents weren't overly affectionate, but we were allowed to do our own thing and never forced to do chores.

Today, I know how to clean a house, I help my mom out when I visit, and...I don't know where I'm going with this.  ANyway, if bf is happy doing for his daughter, what's wrong with that?

by and that's all on Sep. 5, 2013 at 10:27 AM
I was raised the same was as your boyfriend's daughter - I'm a normal, well adjusted adult (with a clean house).
It is not your place to step in here. Are you going to change how you parent your daughter?
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by Bronze Member on Sep. 5, 2013 at 10:35 AM
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I honestly don't know that I see a real problem in what you're saying.  It sounds like the girl is very responsible.  She does laundry and cooks dinner.  What chores, exactly, do you think she needs to take on?  

I'm not sure I see what the problem is with them holding hands.  I'm not sure when I stopped holding hands with my own father, but we still hug and stuff.  He's my DAD.  We've never been a "hands off" kind of family.  (And, btw, he still has a spouse.)  

To me, it sounds like your real problem is that you want him to parent your way, and he likes to parent his own way.  Why can't you let that be?  

by on Sep. 5, 2013 at 10:57 AM
I appreciate your comments. I see you may not understand the word spousified. His daughters life revolves around him. She never had a childhood. She does nothing unless it's what dad wants. I don't want to change everything, that's not my intention. I need help understanding where I fit in. How I fit in. Getting past my jealousy of the daughter and their extreme closeness. Is it normal, is it healthy? Do you understand that they are attached at the hip, and we don't do anything without checking with the daughter first?
How do we blend our parenting differences? How come so many have noticed their closeness and are concerned? Have warned me? She's mature beyond her years, and I saw first hand how she needs her dad. I believe a girl at her age should be testing her independence, not making sure that supper is made so he is happy, which brings her great happiness. She hated that I took over making supper, so much so, that she refused to eat what I made. My daughter had to, but his daughter ate her own thing and often made enough for dad, where he was torn between eating what I made and what she made. I then started taking turns with her and supper. I looked for ways to become friends. I have never been rude to her. I'm just lost.
by on Sep. 5, 2013 at 11:05 AM
3 moms liked this

No thanks on dating or marrying this guy.  I have no desire to be in a relationship with anyone who treats their child as a replacement spouse....I don't care what the reason is behind it.  Do some research behind this and you will find that while it's fairly normal it's pretty unhealthy. I wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole.

I'd end the relationship and move on to greener pastures.

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