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How to bond/connect with BM

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I have a ss who is 4 years old and lives with BM, her hubby and their 3 kids. DH and I see him every other weekend. We've been married for a few months now and normally don't have issues with BM (hardly in contact with her except when picking up or dropping ss) but since we got married and have our own place she seems to be getting abit difficult like not wanting to talk to me or not responding to our requests to fetch him. This past weekend she refused Mil fetching him because she knows we'll also see him somehow (very supportive Mil). We think she is influencing ss as well, because he started behaving mean towards me, which he normally wouldn't be, although that was changed with his last visit 2 weeks ago thanks to DH and Mil's positive influence and we had a great time together as usual. My question is how to connect with BM in a non-forceful manner and make her realise I'm/we're not a threat to her place as BM, and create a friendly relationship for the children's well-being and our sanity (I'm expecting our first child together so ss will have another brother or sister in the near future but BM doesn't know it yet). I've tried casual texting cos we had that type of relationship once before, but this time she doesn't seem to trust it, as though there's an ulterior motive. Any tips or am I expecting thee impossible?
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 5:15 AM
Replies (11-20):
TinaH13
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 9:55 AM
I see...very little chance of a turn-around then. Thank you, I'll do the same and just let her be. Funny thing is I don't have hard feelings towards her even though I get upset at times, and I do respect her as Bm. Bonding with Ss actually made me feel more concern towards her (also I'm going to be a mom soon so that plays a part). Good to know I'm not the only one who's been through this, thanks
Graceplustwo
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 9:58 AM
2 moms liked this
I personally wouldn't want a relationship with someone who doesn't want one with me. You don't really NEED to "bond" with her. Life can go on perfectly fine with you and her not " bonding" I'd let it go and maybe in time SHE might feel differently
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 7, 2013 at 9:58 AM

why is respecting someone's boundries seen as a negative thing?

The woman doesnt want to be friends with the OP. Why is that a negative? She has just made her boundries clear. This shouldn't impact the OP's life in any way.


Quoting runinpinkshoes:

Your situation is exactly like mine - BM was also fine with me at first, until DH and I married. Then it was like she became a different person. Like you, I also reached out to her via email or text to assure her I was not a threat to her place as mom and I wanted things to be friendly. But it backfired every time and I just ended up feeling silly and embarrassed.
So now, I just don't involve myself with her in any way.

I agree with you that it's unfortunate that unnecessary negativity needs to exist and I recognize that you're coming from a good place. But I agree with the others that there's no point trying to mend things if she's not receptive.



runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Sep. 7, 2013 at 10:21 AM


I wouldn't say trying to be nice to someone is not respecting boundaries. But my advice in this case was, BM doesn't want to be nice so I would stop reaching out. 

And in my case, BM not wanting a cordial relationship does impact me, DH, and the kids. Things are now tense when we are all together (they used to not be), and the kids are being exposed to a lot more negativity at their mom's house now that their dad is remarried. She's not handling it well and her anger is projected onto the kids. 

Quoting whatIknownow:

why is respecting someone's boundries seen as a negative thing?

The woman doesnt want to be friends with the OP. Why is that a negative? She has just made her boundries clear. This shouldn't impact the OP's life in any way.


Quoting runinpinkshoes:

Your situation is exactly like mine - BM was also fine with me at first, until DH and I married. Then it was like she became a different person. Like you, I also reached out to her via email or text to assure her I was not a threat to her place as mom and I wanted things to be friendly. But it backfired every time and I just ended up feeling silly and embarrassed.
So now, I just don't involve myself with her in any way.

I agree with you that it's unfortunate that unnecessary negativity needs to exist and I recognize that you're coming from a good place. But I agree with the others that there's no point trying to mend things if she's not receptive.





TinaH13
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 11:01 AM
That is the biggest concern for me too, the impact on the kids. They pick up on the smallest signals and even worse when one badmouths the other, but I guess some things are unavoidable or out of our hands. Better to put their needs first and think of how this affects them in future. In our case Ss has already had trouble with Sm's other kids growing up and I don't want mine to treat him badly (like they have before). Yes maybe in time she will change and our kids will have support from all sides without being subject to "grown up" squabbles


Quoting runinpinkshoes:


I wouldn't say trying to be nice to someone is not respecting boundaries. But my advice in this case was, BM doesn't want to be nice so I would stop reaching out. 

And in my case, BM not wanting a cordial relationship does impact me, DH, and the kids. Things are now tense when we are all together (they used to not be), and the kids are being exposed to a lot more negativity at their mom's house now that their dad is remarried. She's not handling it well and her anger is projected onto the kids. 


Quoting whatIknownow:

why is respecting someone's boundries seen as a negative thing?

The woman doesnt want to be friends with the OP. Why is that a negative? She has just made her boundries clear. This shouldn't impact the OP's life in any way.



Quoting runinpinkshoes:

Your situation is exactly like mine - BM was also fine with me at first, until DH and I married. Then it was like she became a different person. Like you, I also reached out to her via email or text to assure her I was not a threat to her place as mom and I wanted things to be friendly. But it backfired every time and I just ended up feeling silly and embarrassed.

So now, I just don't involve myself with her in any way.



I agree with you that it's unfortunate that unnecessary negativity needs to exist and I recognize that you're coming from a good place. But I agree with the others that there's no point trying to mend things if she's not receptive.








DeliteCrazy
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 11:35 AM
Bm doesn't want a relationship with you, respect that.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 7, 2013 at 11:56 AM

I don't think it's "nice" to continue to make contact with someone who is not reciprocating, which indicates that she doesn't want the contact. In fact I think it is harassment.


Quoting runinpinkshoes:


I wouldn't say trying to be nice to someone is not respecting boundaries. But my advice in this case was, BM doesn't want to be nice so I would stop reaching out. 

And in my case, BM not wanting a cordial relationship does impact me, DH, and the kids. Things are now tense when we are all together (they used to not be), and the kids are being exposed to a lot more negativity at their mom's house now that their dad is remarried. She's not handling it well and her anger is projected onto the kids. 

Quoting whatIknownow:

why is respecting someone's boundries seen as a negative thing?

The woman doesnt want to be friends with the OP. Why is that a negative? She has just made her boundries clear. This shouldn't impact the OP's life in any way.


Quoting runinpinkshoes:

Your situation is exactly like mine - BM was also fine with me at first, until DH and I married. Then it was like she became a different person. Like you, I also reached out to her via email or text to assure her I was not a threat to her place as mom and I wanted things to be friendly. But it backfired every time and I just ended up feeling silly and embarrassed.
So now, I just don't involve myself with her in any way.

I agree with you that it's unfortunate that unnecessary negativity needs to exist and I recognize that you're coming from a good place. But I agree with the others that there's no point trying to mend things if she's not receptive.







faerie75
by Platinum Member on Sep. 7, 2013 at 12:06 PM
2 moms liked this
Stop trying. Leave her alone. Be kind to the kid and focus on helping your hubs and disregard her. Let him deal w her.
packermomof2
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 12:16 PM

She doesn't have to talk to you.  She doesn't have to allow grandma to see the kid on her time.  It is quite possible she had plans and it has nothing to do with you whatsoever.  Kids have minds of their own and their attitudes change without a parental influence.  Don't blame mom every time the kid has one; chances are he has one with her from time to time as well.  Should she blame you for that?

packermomof2
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 12:22 PM



Quoting TinaH13:

Also gotta add that DH has no problem communicating with SD regarding the regular routines of pick-ups and drop-offs of Ss. He even suggested/requested it to Bm once to prove its abit petty to have an issue with that. But I'm hopeful someday we'll all be able to move forward from this. Just going to back off abit and support the way I've been so far.


Doesn't matter that your husband talks to mom's husband, she doesn't have to do the same with you.  His choice to do that, not hers.  You can think it is petty, but that doesn't mean she thinks it is.  She might think it is petty that you want to talk to her about her kid.  

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