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How to bond/connect with BM

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I have a ss who is 4 years old and lives with BM, her hubby and their 3 kids. DH and I see him every other weekend. We've been married for a few months now and normally don't have issues with BM (hardly in contact with her except when picking up or dropping ss) but since we got married and have our own place she seems to be getting abit difficult like not wanting to talk to me or not responding to our requests to fetch him. This past weekend she refused Mil fetching him because she knows we'll also see him somehow (very supportive Mil). We think she is influencing ss as well, because he started behaving mean towards me, which he normally wouldn't be, although that was changed with his last visit 2 weeks ago thanks to DH and Mil's positive influence and we had a great time together as usual. My question is how to connect with BM in a non-forceful manner and make her realise I'm/we're not a threat to her place as BM, and create a friendly relationship for the children's well-being and our sanity (I'm expecting our first child together so ss will have another brother or sister in the near future but BM doesn't know it yet). I've tried casual texting cos we had that type of relationship once before, but this time she doesn't seem to trust it, as though there's an ulterior motive. Any tips or am I expecting thee impossible?
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 5:15 AM
Replies (21-30):
packermomof2
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 12:24 PM



Quoting TinaH13:

In a way that's true. He's just standing up for me as well so I don't blame him for taking a stand as BD in the scenario when she is the only one in the scenario who has a problem with all of us working together. Like I said she's the one who started refusing ss or ignoring our requests completely and we've made alternative plans to see him (via Mil) since then and now she is attempting to stop that as well so I think DH is trying to do his part without taking it a step further yet (legal action) because we had a good understanding until now


Legal action over what?  Not dealing with you?  Not giving extra time when you ask for it?  Is she following the court order and giving dad the time he is legally entitled to?  If so, she isn't going to get in trouble for not dealing with you or handing the kid over extra to grandma for you.

packermomof2
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 12:30 PM



Quoting runinpinkshoes:


I wouldn't say trying to be nice to someone is not respecting boundaries. But my advice in this case was, BM doesn't want to be nice so I would stop reaching out. 

And in my case, BM not wanting a cordial relationship does impact me, DH, and the kids. Things are now tense when we are all together (they used to not be), and the kids are being exposed to a lot more negativity at their mom's house now that their dad is remarried. She's not handling it well and her anger is projected onto the kids. 

Being nice doesn't mean having a relationship.  I can smile at someone or say hi and keep going without having to have a conversation or some sort of relationship with them.  
If I say I don't want a relationship with someone and that affects them, oh well.  Me being forced to have a relationship with someone I don't want to have one with affects me and that is what I'm going to worry about more than whether or not someone else is upset by me not wanting to have a relationship with them.  
I had nothing to do with SM.  She tried and tried and became a wench about it.  It didn't have to be a negative thing for me not to have a relationship with her, it could have just been what it was.  Kids didn't suffer because SM and I were on speaking terms.  They understood that not everyone gets along.  Same went for my husband and their father.  Myhusband wanted nothing to do with him - it would have been my ex crossing his boundaries to force that relationshp.
packermomof2
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 12:33 PM



Quoting TinaH13:

. Better to put their needs first and think of how this affects them in future. 
You don't get to decide what is best for your SK here.  Mom might realize this isn't going to damage her kid by not wanting anything to do with her.  As long as mom and dad can deal with one another the kid will be okay,  If they can't do that the kid will remember that more than whether or not mom talked to SM.
TinaH13
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 12:54 PM
Ok, I get that some people don't want to bother with the BM/SM whatever the case may be regardless of how the Skids are affected and that's okay I guess. To each his own. To sum up in our case we were actually communicating (relating to SS and other topics) until this past month so slightly different scenario than the norm. Legal action I was referring to DH not being able to see SS. SM's response to MIL was directly linked to us according to what she told MIL. The point was just to try and hear of options/ideas to resolve things before taking it further. And there's still hope of it changing I believe cos before this we got along quite fine, she isn't a bad person it might just be a big adjustment
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 7, 2013 at 12:58 PM


that is my question too. Why would your DH take legal action? what kind of legal action?

Quoting packermomof2:



Quoting TinaH13:

In a way that's true. He's just standing up for me as well so I don't blame him for taking a stand as BD in the scenario when she is the only one in the scenario who has a problem with all of us working together. Like I said she's the one who started refusing ss or ignoring our requests completely and we've made alternative plans to see him (via Mil) since then and now she is attempting to stop that as well so I think DH is trying to do his part without taking it a step further yet (legal action) because we had a good understanding until now


Legal action over what?  Not dealing with you?  Not giving extra time when you ask for it?  Is she following the court order and giving dad the time he is legally entitled to?  If so, she isn't going to get in trouble for not dealing with you or handing the kid over extra to grandma for you.



whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 7, 2013 at 12:59 PM
2 moms liked this

the kids are not going to be the least bit affected if Mom doesn't want a relationship with SM. As long as mom and dad get along and communucate and parent together, that is all that matters.


Quoting TinaH13:

Ok, I get that some people don't want to bother with the BM/SM whatever the case may be regardless of how the Skids are affected and that's okay I guess. To each his own. To sum up in our case we were actually communicating (relating to SS and other topics) until this past month so slightly different scenario than the norm. Legal action I was referring to DH not being able to see SS. SM's response to MIL was directly linked to us according to what she told MIL. The point was just to try and hear of options/ideas to resolve things before taking it further. And there's still hope of it changing I believe cos before this we got along quite fine, she isn't a bad person it might just be a big adjustment



DeliteCrazy
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 1:05 PM
It will affect the kids if you let it, don't let it.

But I do think, this has nothing to do with how it effects the kids. I think, its more to do with your dh and her talking, and neither including you.


Quoting TinaH13:

Ok, I get that some people don't want to bother with the BM/SM whatever the case may be regardless of how the Skids are affected and that's okay I guess. To each his own. To sum up in our case we were actually communicating (relating to SS and other topics) until this past month so slightly different scenario than the norm. Legal action I was referring to DH not being able to see SS. SM's response to MIL was directly linked to us according to what she told MIL. The point was just to try and hear of options/ideas to resolve things before taking it further. And there's still hope of it changing I believe cos before this we got along quite fine, she isn't a bad person it might just be a big adjustment
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DeliteCrazy
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 1:11 PM
Bm might be going through her own stuff, and you're the least of her concerns.
Maybe she welcomed texting from you, than you pushed it one step further, and she backed up.

Don't worry about it. Let dh and Bm figure things out.


Quoting TinaH13:

Ok, I get that some people don't want to bother with the BM/SM whatever the case may be regardless of how the Skids are affected and that's okay I guess. To each his own. To sum up in our case we were actually communicating (relating to SS and other topics) until this past month so slightly different scenario than the norm. Legal action I was referring to DH not being able to see SS. SM's response to MIL was directly linked to us according to what she told MIL. The point was just to try and hear of options/ideas to resolve things before taking it further. And there's still hope of it changing I believe cos before this we got along quite fine, she isn't a bad person it might just be a big adjustment
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TinaH13
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 1:40 PM
I think you're right


Quoting DeliteCrazy:

Bm might be going through her own stuff, and you're the least of her concerns.

Maybe she welcomed texting from you, than you pushed it one step further, and she backed up.



Don't worry about it. Let dh and Bm figure things out.




Quoting TinaH13:

Ok, I get that some people don't want to bother with the BM/SM whatever the case may be regardless of how the Skids are affected and that's okay I guess. To each his own. To sum up in our case we were actually communicating (relating to SS and other topics) until this past month so slightly different scenario than the norm. Legal action I was referring to DH not being able to see SS. SM's response to MIL was directly linked to us according to what she told MIL. The point was just to try and hear of options/ideas to resolve things before taking it further. And there's still hope of it changing I believe cos before this we got along quite fine, she isn't a bad person it might just be a big adjustment

Graceplustwo
by Bronze Member on Sep. 7, 2013 at 2:18 PM
Exactly. Why WANT to befriend some one who CLEARLY doesn't want YOU as a friend. Makes no sense to me


Quoting whatIknownow:

why is respecting someone's boundries seen as a negative thing?

The woman doesnt want to be friends with the OP. Why is that a negative? She has just made her boundries clear. This shouldn't impact the OP's life in any way.



Quoting runinpinkshoes:

Your situation is exactly like mine - BM was also fine with me at first, until DH and I married. Then it was like she became a different person. Like you, I also reached out to her via email or text to assure her I was not a threat to her place as mom and I wanted things to be friendly. But it backfired every time and I just ended up feeling silly and embarrassed.

So now, I just don't involve myself with her in any way.



I agree with you that it's unfortunate that unnecessary negativity needs to exist and I recognize that you're coming from a good place. But I agree with the others that there's no point trying to mend things if she's not receptive.





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